


LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, 


©^apTSZ.'Sjinpijrigijt f 0. — 
Shelf 5 lb 


UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 

























Bob 

■% 

Greenfellow’ 

Sketches. 



JOHN80N BROS. PTG. CO., 
•7ATIONERS, PRINTERS AND ENGRAVER* 
•AN ANTONIO, TBX. 


at ** , 






# 






¥ 











16 1893 

^ *> jr* 


JOHNSON BROS* PTQ. CO., 
STATIONERS, PRINTERS AND ENGRAVERS 
SAN ANTONIO, TEX. 





Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1892, by 


JOHN D. RUIXMANN, 

' f) j 

In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, 
at Washington. 




INDEX 


TO 

Bob Greenfellow’s Sketches. 


PAGE. 

1. “A BET;” or, “The Crazy Passion of Our Rich 

American Girls for Foreign Titles,” ... i 

2. “My Mascot” 35 

3. “A Deer Hunt” 69 

4. “My First Oration” 85 

5. “Our Most Unuucky Day on the Farm” . 101 

6. “The Tariff Question” 123 

7. “A Duck Hunt” 141 

8. “Ignis Fatuus” 163 

9. “Must Have a Wife Again” 189 

10. “Love and Politics” 215 

11. “Dweuuers in CEEESTIAU Spheres” . . . . 237 




“A BET,” 


t 


OR, 

u The Crazy Passion of our Rich American 
Girls for Foreign Titles A 


































1,5 . 








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“A BET,” 


OR, 

“THE CRAZY PASSION OF OUR RICH AMERICAN 
GIRTS FOR FOREIGN TITLES.” 


On the veranda of a large and stately mansion, 
situated on a pleasant and gradually rising 
height, among beautiful and correspondingly 
ornamental surroundings, in the neighborhood 
of the village of Kirchheim, there sat two young 
men engaged in a spirited discussion. One was 
William Gregor, a Lieutenant in the German 
army, and the son of a neighboring rich real 
estate owner. Lieutenant Gregor was now on a 
visit to his friend, Gustav Berko. The latter 
was the only son and heir of his father, Martin 
Berko, who had been dead for ten years. Young 
Berko had traveled a great deal ; he was an 
officer in the militia and had but lately settled 
on his inherited property, a pleasant and valuable 
country seat and farm. The warm spring 
evening had induced the friends to seat them- 
selves in the open air on the veranda, and thus 
they sat engaged in a friendly conversation. 


4 


4 A BET. 

“Have you seen our mutual friend Miller, 
lately?” asked Lieutenant Gregor. 

“Yes, I have seen him and I deeply sympa- 
thize with the poor fellow. He has taken that 
foolish love scrape with the rich American girl 
more to heart than I thought he would; although 
he does not speak of it, any one can see that he 
is very unhappy.” 

“Well, what objection had the girl to him? 
He is a good looking and pleasant young man, 
and the fact that he has. at the age of twenty- 
nine, obtained the position of professor at an 
academy, also proves that he is a highly gifted 
and educated man.” 

“My dear Gregor, if you think that the fact 
of being professor alone is a magnetic attraction 
for rich American girls, you are very much mis- 
taken. Don’t you know that in America every 
fiddler and beard scraper receives the title of pro- 
fessor. You should also know that most of the 
rich American females, that is, heirs to millions, 
are perfectly crazed and only want husbands 
with big titles. It is, to them, perfectly immate- 
rial whether the man is old or young, educated 
or not. Yes; I would wager any sum of money 
on the question, that, provided the man is pos- 
sessed of the title of Grand Duke or Lord , though 
ignorant as the greatest dunce in our village, he 
still is a much desired object for these crazy 
American girls.” 


A BET. 


5 


“Berko, Berko, you are exaggerating.” 

“No; I do not exaggerate. Rich American 
heiresses can obtain for themselves every enjoy- 
ment that can be supplied for money, and money 
will buy almost anything. One thing they can 
not obtain, and that is admission to our aristo- 
cratic society. For the American heiress to re- 
turn to the place of her birth as the wife of a 
Prince, Duke, or other high titled individual, to 
return on a visit and relate to her admiring lady 
friends how she had been presented at the Royal 
or Imperial Court, and that her associations with 
personages of the highest aristocratic standing 
and society was almost of daily occurrence. If 
she can do that, then she celebrates her grandest 
triumph and has attained the highest desire of 
her life. ‘ The end justifies the means.' This is a 
good proverb fitting the subject, since the hus- 
band has in reality no mission but to give tone, 
a name, a title, to his bride, whether he possesses 
education and culture or not. ’ ’ 

“I admit that such an heiress might take an 
old and ugly man for a husband, if for nothing 
else but to become a Princess, a Duchess, or to 
attain any high title, but a dunce or ignoramus 
would, in my opinion, not be accepted after all.” 

“Good! Will you make the wager?” 

“Yes; I’ll bet with you.” 


6 


A BET. 


“Good! L,et it be so. I’ll stake five thousand 
marks, the winner to pay all expenses and what 
is left, to go to the poor of our village. ’ ’ 

“I’ll accept the bargain. But how are you 
going to work about it and render practical 
proof of your assertion?” 

“Easily done! We have already agreed to 
visit our favorite watering place Traunstein this 
coming summer. Now, since Traunstein is also 
a favorite and much frequented summer resort 
for Americans, we will not fail to find a rich 
heiress among them. Both of us are well known 
at that place, as far as our physique and social 
position are concerned; and if we present some 
fellow as a Russian Prince or Duke, no cock will 
crow about it or after it. Of course you will 
agree with me on this point; we must not let the 
matter go far enough for a real engagement! We 
do not propose to insult or compromise any lady! 
The moment we find that she is ready to grasp at 
the illusion, our would-be nobleman vanishes!” 

“The plan is a good one,” said Gregor. 

“Well, then, so far everything is satisfactory. 
Now, let us try and find that dunce. Where — 
where can we get one ? A very young fellow 
wouldn’t do; older ones, up in the twenties, usu- 
ally have their sweehearts; hence that kind is 
not suitable, and consequently nothing is left us 


A BET \ 


7 


but to take a married man. But whom? Stop ! 
I have it. John! John!” he called loudly. 

‘ ‘John, ’ ’ said Berko to the approaching servant, 
“go down to the village and ask that second- 
hand patch tailor Bering to come to me at once.” 

“What do you want with that tailor?” asked 
Lieutenant Gregor after the servant had gone. 

“Well, he is to be our man. He is about thir- 
ty-six years of age, and since he does no hard 
manual labor, has no calloused hands like our 
farmer boys; he never has been beyond the limits 
of the village; he can neither read nor write and 
is just the individual we want; when he comes, 
you can judge of him for yourself. ” 

A half hour later, the servant returned with 
the tailor. 

“Come up this way,” said Berko addressing 
the tailor, who, hat in hand, had remained with 
an extremely modest face and looks at the foot of 
the stairs leading to the veranda, “come, take 
this chair and be seated.” 

Bering did as directed, but seated himself on 
the extreme edge of the chair, still turning his 
hat in his hands in a perplexed manner. 

“Bering, I wanted to ask you if, during the 
summer, you could work three or four weeks for 
me and my friend here?” 


8 


A BET. 


“I — yes — I could, but” 

“Well?” 

“Will I be able to do the work ?” 

“Don’t be troubled about that. If I hadn’t 
thought you could do the work, I would not 
have sent for you. We will pay you well, only 
you have to go along with us to Traunstein. ’ ’ 

“Traunstein! But that is far, far away from 
here.” 

“Not at all; two hours on the cars and you are 
there.” 

“But can I take Susan and the children 
along?” 

“You cannot! Your wife and little ones must 
remain at home. We will supply them with 
means and see that they do not come to want 
during your absence. We also give you two- 
hundred marks.” 

“Two hund — re ” 

“Stop! where are you going ?” cried Berko, 
after Bering’s retreating figure. “Come back 
here; there, sit down again; where were you go- 
ing to ?” 

“I — I — I wanted to tell it to my wife, Susan — 
two hund ” 


A BET. 


9, 


“Well, that you can do at any time. You gO' 
to Traunstein, that is settled. It may be that 
we will not need you more than a couple of 
week. ’ ’ 

“Yes; — but ” 

“Well, what?” 

“I will have to ask Susan first.” 

“I’ll attend to that myself. I will speak to 
your wife. By the way, how long have you been 
married ?” 

Bering counted on his fingers, “one, two, three, 
four, five, six, and another one is seven; seven, 
years, Mr. Berko.” 

“How is that you count ‘six and another 
one’?” 

“Well, I count my children, which number 
six, and add another year, making seven.” 

“Oh! I understand; you have a child for each 
year!” 

“Yes.” 

“Why were you not in the army ?” 

“They did not want me; they said I was flat- 
footed.” 

“Now, I would like to know what time it is;, 
can you tell me, Bering ?” 

“No sir.” 


IO 


A BET. 


“Have you a watch ?” 

“No.” 

“Do you understand the dial plate of a watch?” 

“No.” 

“According to that you do not know meal time 
or bed time ?” 

Yes, yes, that I know.” 

“You know that. Well, I would like to hear 
you explain.” 

“That is easy. When the sun rises in the 
morning I know at once it is near breakfast time; 
when, afterwards, I am getting hungry, I know 
it is dinner time; and, when at eve the sun sinks 
behind the hills, I am almost certain it is supper 
time. Then we remain up until we get sleepy, 
which is sure enough bed time. ’ ’ 

“Good! really good!” exclaimed Lieutenant 
Gregor, laughing heartily. 

“Now, Bering,” said Berko, “since you spoke 
of the sun’s setting, are you aware of the fact 
that the sun neither moves nor sets, and that it 
is the earth that goes around the sun?” 

“Ha! what an idea. . Why, these gentlemen 
don’t believe it either. Some time ago a party 
came to me with an apple and said: ‘See here, 
this is the shape of the earth; here, on top, it is 
day, underneath it is night; but if you turn the 


A BET. 


ii 


apple, then the other side is night.’ Thus this 
fellow wanted to make a fool of me. I took the 
apple and said: ‘This, you say, represents the 
earth; here it is day; down below is night. Now, 
I lay a pin on here, representing a man; now, I 
turn the apple around and where is the pin ? It 
lies on the floor. Now, you see, if the earth was 
like an apple, we would fall off every night and 
break our necks.’ Yes, that is what I said to 
that crank.” 

‘‘Famous! bravo!” cried lieutenant Gregor. 

* ‘Berko, that is sufficient!” 

‘ ‘All right, Bering, you can go home. I will 
let you know when it is time to start on the mis- 
sion I employ you for.” 

After Bering had taken his leave, Lieutenant 
Gregor exclaimed, addressing his friend: ‘‘If 
you have this fellow assume the role of a lover, I 
will most assuredly win the bet!” 

‘‘Well, do not rejoice too soon; we will see 
who comes out winner,” was the answer. 


Three months later the two friends, Gustav 
Berko and William Gregor, were guests at the 
most fashionable hotel atTraunstein. Both were 
seated in one of a suite of rooms occupied by 
Berko and were engaged in conversation with 
John, Berko’s confidential servant. 


12 


A BET. 


“Now, John, you know what we wish you to* 
do and what is our object. You understand our 
bet , and we depend upon you and your sagacity. 
If you do your part well you shall receive five 
hundred marks. Now, pay attention : By the 
first train you go home ; Bering has already 
been informed to be in readiness. You will give 
the woman this money, fifty marks, that she and 
her children may live. Take Bering to my house 
and there you will lock yourselves up. Then 
inform him what is expected of him and drill 
him in his new role, how to act, etc., that 
he may not be too clumsy in his movements 
at his first appearance. I think you can ac- 
complish this in two days. Let’s see; to-day 
is Monday. Arrange matters in such a way 
as to arrive here next Thursday, at noon. 
We will receive you at the depot. Now, 
mark well, Bering is Prince Berinsky , the Russian; 
Prince Berinsky, who was raised on his estates 
in a distant part of Russia, and is now traveling 
for the first time in foreign countries. After his 
travels he will go to St. Petersburg and be pre- 
sented at the Imperial Court, and if he likes St. 
Petersburg he will make it his future home. 
Those suits of clothing, hats and all outfits, you 
know where they all are. Now, take this gold 
watch and chain, this large seal ring, but be 
careful that he does not lose anything, for these 
things are very valuable. Now, get ready and. 


A BET. 


13 


take the next train. Here, take these five hun- 
dred marks, not to run short of means. Wait, 
one thing more: On a former occasion you un- 
derstood how to alter your appearance in such a 
way that I hardly knew you myself, now do so 
again. You are a Russian now, the body guard 
of the Russian Prince, Berinsky. We depend 
entirely on you; do your part well.” 

“Sir, you shall have no cause to complain.” 

“I know that, John; now, hurry to the train.” 

“There, now, the ball is rolling,” continued 
Berko, after his servant had gone. “We will see 
whether Miss Bella Caldwell will catch at the 
bait.” 

“Do you really intend to lead Miss Caldwell 
into temptation?” asked Lieutenant Gregor. 

“Most assuredly I will. She suits the pur- 
pose as if made for it. She has a spattering 
knowledge of the German language. She is an 
heiress to several millions and has the matrimo- 
nial malady for high titles. ’ ’ 

“Berko!” exclaimed Lieutenant Gregor in a 
reprimanding tone. 

“Well, you don’t believe it. Didn’t you no- 
tice last night how attentively she listened when 
I was speaking of our friend, the Russian Prince, 
Berinsky ? How eagarly she asked questions re- 
garding him and wanted to know all about him?” 


H 


A BET. 


“And yet you are mistaken, Berko.” 

“Well, it maybe; but I do not believe it. Of 
course, time will tell. ’ ’ 

“By the way, I wanted to ask you last night 
how you got so quickly acquainted with the 
ladies?” 

“Simple enough,” said Berko. “You know, 
yesterday, I drove to the estate of a friend in the 
neighborhood. Well, returning, I was overtaken 
by a rain-storm. Not far from Traunstein I no- 
ticed two ladies hurrying toward the village and 
I recognized the Americans who were boarding 
at the same hotel as we. I had my hack stopped, 
got out and offered the vehicle to the two 
ladies. I made use of the English language. 
My offer was accepted on condition that I would 
not go on foot, but remain in their company. 
Once seated, a mutual introduction followed. I 
discovered that one was Miss Beeea Caedweee, 
op New York, and the other was Miss Eizzie 
Wentworth, of Boston, the latter a friend 
and companion of the former. By the way, a 
good looking, young, bright and sensible girl, 
but not wealthy.” 

“And with whom you have fallen desperately 
in love,” exclaimed Eieutenant Gregor. 

“Yes; have you noticed that already? Now, 
acknowledging my soft inclination, I do like the 


A BET. 


i5 


girl, and if she agrees — I am rich and independ- 
ent. Now I’ll say this: let’s drop this wager, I 
am troubled at heart about something entirely 
different at present.” 

“And what might that be?” 

“I am uneasy about you.” 

“About me?” 

“Yes. I think we had better drop that wager. 
I should become inconsolable if you were to be- 
come unhappy.” 

“I unhappy! What puts that into you head?” 

“I have grave fears that you may lose your 
heart with this Miss Caldwell. She is also good 
looking. Now, if she would give ^ou the mit- 
ten — then ’ ’ 

“Now, stop, Berko; you are most assuredly 
mistaken. I’ll neither fall in love nor receive a 
mitten, and the arrangement must be carried out 
as per agreement, just to prove to you that you 
are wrong.” 

“Very well; it suits me entirely.” 


On the platform of the passenger depot at 
Traunstein there was great excitement on the 
following Thursday, at the time of the arrival 
of the train from the north. A miscellaneous 


A BET. 


i6 

and numerous public, guests and citizens of the 
Tillage had assembled to greet the passengers of 
the incoming train. A little separated from the 
large throng, there stood two young, elegantly 
dressed ladies and two gentlemen. One of the 
latter was clad in the uniform of an officer of the 
German army. These four were the Misses 
Caldwell and Wentworth, Berko and lieutenant 
Gregor. They seemed to be engaged in a spirit- 
ed conversation, which was suddenly interrupt- 
ed by a shrill whistle, and, but a few moments 
later, the panting locomotive rushed up to the 
depot with its sweeping train. Berko and Gregor 
made their excuse to the ladies and hurried to 
the passenger coaches in order to receive Prince 
Berinsky. A man, who undoubtedly was the 
bodyguard o? a high, aristocratic person, also 
forced his way through the crowd, made a re- 
spectful and lowly bow to a passenger of the 
train, who had appeared in the entrance of one 
of the coaches, saying: “Your Excellency, Prince 
Berinsky, this is the watering place Traunstein.” 

Prince Berinsky, a medium-sized, slim, but 
well-built man, with long hair, dressed in the 
highest elegance of fashion, and sporting a heavy 
gold watch chain and a magnificent real diamond 
ring on one of his fingers, stood in the door- way 
•of the coach, looking about in a bashful and em- 
barrassed manner. 


A BET. 


1 7 


The servant stepped close up to the Prince, 
whispered a few words in his ear, when the 
Prince exclaimed: “Ah — o — yes; why that is 
really charmant — yes, charmant — yes, really 
charmant, Mr. Berko,” the Prince offering his 
hand for greeting. 

“I am really very much gratified to see your 
Excellency looking so well,” said Berko, shaking 
the hand of the Prince. “I hope your Excellency 
had a pleasant trip. But, please excuse me, here 
is my friend, Lieutenant Gregor, whom your Ex- 
cellency remembers. ’ ’ 

“Oh, yes; charmant, Lieutenant Mr. Gregor, 
charmant!” 

Lieutenant Gregor, whose face displayed a 
series of muscular movements, which resembled 
lightning, while taking the Prince’s hand, saluted 
in a military style and exclaimed: “I am re- 
joiced that — that your Excellency recollects me. ” 

“Yes — yes, I am also pleased that you are so 
well,” replied his Highness. 

“May it please your Excellency,” said Berko, 
“over there are two ladies of our acquaintance, 
who are desirous of an introduction to your Ex- 
cellency, if you will permit?” 


“I — ah — well, I- 


i8 


A BET ; 


“Ladies, permit me,” said Berko, introducing, 
“His Excellency, the Prince Berinsky of Russia, 
Mass Bella Caldwell of New York, and Miss Liz- 
zie Wentworth, of Boston.” 

“Ah — ah, I — I am pleased; charmant, yes, 
very charmant,” said the Prince to the ladies, 
who made a silent, but very gracious bow. 

“If your Highness would be pleased, and the 
ladies have no objections,” said Berko, “I pro- 
pose to drive to our hotel together. I have two 
hacks outside. How does your Highness wish to 
ride, alone or with the ladies?” 

“I — I — ah, I don’t— I — ah, charmant — I’ll 
ride with the ladies. ” 

“I thought that your Highness would prefer 
the society of such lovely and beautiful young 
ladies. If you please, the hacks are ready.” 

Berko and Gregor assisted the ladies and the 
Prince into one hack and took the other one for 
themselves. 

“The Lord be praised!” exclaimed Berko, after 
the vehicle had started, “that is over!” But did 
you ever see a more clever rascal than my John? 
If I were not so very positive that it were really 
he, I would not have known him in his dis- 
guise.” 

“Neither would I,” said the Lieutenant. “Ber- 
ing also looks passable. ’ ’ 


A BET. 


19 


“Yes, and how nicely he babbled the word 
‘charmant.’ Have you also noted how helpless 
he stood there when I asked whether he wanted 
to ride alone or with the ladies; how that scamp 
John stood behind the ladies and winked at Ber- 
ing to go with the American? Ah! here we are 
at the hotel. ’ ’ 

The two friends jumped out of their vehicle 
and assisted the ladies and the Prince out of 
theirs. 

After arranging a joint drive for the after- 
noon, the company separated. 


Six days later, it was noon time, when a party, 
consisting of five persons, left the hotel to proceed 
on foot to the “Cursaal,” to listen to the fine 
music of a regimental band. It was Miss Cald- 
well and the Prince, who walked ahead, followed 
by Miss Wentworth, accompanied by Berko and 
lieutenant Gregor. 

Prince Berinsky, who was dressed in a full 
dress suit of unexceptional broadcloth and a fine 
silk hat, had just answered to the question of 
Miss Caldwell, “what instrument he liked best,” 
— “the hand organ ?”— when, lo and behold, the 
Prince suddenly stopped, stood as rooted to the 
spot and stared horror-stricken at the other side 
of the street, where, at some distance, the passen- 


20 


A BET. 


gers of the just arrived train were coming to- 
ward the village. Then he turned suddenly and 
ran as fast as his legs could carry him, regardless 
of all princely decorum, back to the hotel. 

Berko looked back and could just see how he 
pulled the shaking stovepipe from off his head, 
after which he disappeared in the hotel. He paid, 
then, close attention to the new comers and saw 
— yes, he saw what had scared the Prince. It 
was a fat, small country woman with a basket on 
her. arm — it was Mrs. Bering. 

With quick mental resolve, Berko requested 
Lieutenant Gregor to take the two ladies to the 
concert, while he went to look after the Prince, 
and find out what ailed him, after which he 
would follow. With vast strides he went to- 
wards the hotel. 

“Mr. Berko! Mr. Berko?” almost vociferated a 
female voice behind him. 

“What do you want?” said Berko to the wo- 
man. “What in the name of sense to you 
want here ?” 

‘ ‘Oh, dear Mr. Berko, I am so glad I have found 
you right away. Who was that man, who ran 
away so fast?” 

“That was a Russian Prince.” 

“Great goodness — a Russian Prince! Jerum, 
I thought it was my husband, my Jacob.” 


A BET. 


21 


“What do you want here at Traunstein? But, 
hold, wait here, I will see you in a few minutes.” 

Berko hurriedly left the woman and went to 
the room of the Prince. He found the door 
locked. 

“Open the door, it is I,” said Berko, and con- 
tinued after he had entered. “Well, that was 
sensible of you to lock the door. Great Scott! 
this foolish woman has put us in a d 1 of a fix. ’ ’ 

“But what does she want?” 

“I don’t know. I will see at once. Lock the 
door again.” 

Berko went to the woman and invited her to 
his parlor. “Now, tell me, what do you want 
here?” 

“Oh, dear Mr. Berko,” -said the woman, half 
weeping, “you see, so long as I have been mar- 
ried, my Jacob was never away from me, and I 
have been longing after him, so much, and I feel 
so lonesome, so terribly lonesome, that I could 
stand it no more. I must see my Jacob again.” 

“Ah! You are home sick?” 

“Yes, that is it, Mr. Berko.” 

“Well, that being the case, I can console you 
with the news that he is well and happy and that 
he will be home next week. ’ ’ 


22 


A BET. 


“But where is he? Can’t I see him?” 

“No; you can’t see him. He has gone to the 
neighboring city to buy cloth.” 

“Oh, my goodness! Will he be back soon?” 

“In three or four days.’' 

“Goodness, gracious! Then I came here, 
after all, to no purpose. I came to see my 
Jacob, and I brought him, here in my basket, 
such nice freshly made sausages and hand made 
cheese. Oh, my! and he likes that so much.” 

“Well, you go back home, Mrs. Bering, and 
eat the sausages and cheese with your children. 
I promise you that Bering will be back home 
next week.” 

“Oh! you are such a nice gentleman. Yes, 
yes, it is best for me to go back home. ’ ’ 

“Wait, a moment, Mrs. Bering,” said Berko, 
sounding a small bell, which brought a waiter to 
the room. “Take this woman to the depot, buy 
her a ticket to Kirchheim and remain with her 
until the train leaves. I will reward you; after- 
ward you report to me.” 

“At your command, sir. Come with me, 
madame.” 

“Goodbye, goodbye, Mr. Berko,” said Mrs. 
Bering, “but greet my Jacob' for me.” 


“It shall be done. Goodbye.” 


A BET. 


23 

Two days later, it was during the early hours 
of the day, lieutenant Gregor came to the room 
of his friend. 

“Berko, j^ou will have to make arrangements 
to get rid of that tailor as quickly as possible, or 
I’ll get demented. The shallow, idiotic palaver 
of this lunatic is nearly driving me crazy. 
‘Charmant.' ‘ very charmant ,’ the whole day; 
‘ charmant ,’ ‘ charmant ,’ * very charmant ,’ the 

whole evening; ‘ charmant , ’ ‘very charmant,' from 
morning to night. Waking, sleeping and dream- 
ing, I hear nothing but ‘charmant.' I shall be 
‘charmant' myself after a while, or — crazy. Get 
rid of that man.” 

Berko laughed. “Oh, you admit that I have 
nearly won my bet.” 

“I?” asked Lieutenant Gregor. 

“Yes, you. Don’t you see that this stupid and 
senseless manner of talk is what Miss Caldwell 
admires. She finds odd and original what would 
make any rational person crazy or idiotic. Even 
Miss Wentworth said to me yesterday that she 
considered the Prince an unbearable bore and his 
very utterances made her nervous. Of course, 
she is no heiress of millions, she is still in full 
possession of common sense. But Miss Cald- 
well, who otherwise is a fine and highly educated 
young lady, suffers from a disease which you 
might call ‘inordinate title craving,’ and you will 
see she’ll grasp at the chance offered her.” 


24 


A BET. 


“Iam not as positively convinced as you on 
that subject.” 

“Well, then, Bering will have to stay here.” 

“No, no; I can’t stand it any longer. I came 
to you for the express purpose of getting this 
matter brought to a close. Please ask that idiot 
to hurry up, or in other words, to go and address 
Miss Caldwell and settle the affair one way or 
the other.” 

“Let’s see,” said Berko thoughtfully. “I be- 
lieve we can risk it. He must request a private 
interview. Should the answer be favorable he 
must make a formal visit to-day. Her answer, 
once known to us, we can then send him away. 
Yes, I will send for him at once and instruct 
him.” 

“In that case I’ll leave you.” 

“Hold, Gregor, before you go I’ll have to in- 
form you that I am engaged.” 

“What! You engaged.” 

“Yes, I am engaged to Miss Lizzie Went- 
worth. ’ ’ 

“Allow me, then, to congratulate you from 
the bottom of my heart. I have seen it coming 
and am overjoyed. When will the wedding* 
take place?” 

“Oh, not so fast. I shall write to-day to my 


A BET : 


25- 


future bride’s parents, asking for the hand of' 
their daughter. Miss Lizzie will remain with 
her friend and return with her to America, and 
if everything goes all right, then, I’ll go next 
winter and bring her homes as my wife.” 


On the same day and hour at which the scenes 
described last took place, Mrs. Bering, the wife 
of the tailor, Bering, went to the bakershop at 
Kirchheim to get bread. 

“How do you do, Mrs. Bering ?” she was ac- 
costed thus by a man. 

“Well, Braun, is that you!” exclaimed Mrs. 
Bering, recognizing an old acquaintance. ‘ ‘Since 
when are you in Kirchheim ?’ ’ 

“Since yesterday evening. How is Bering?” 

Oh, he is at Traunstein. ” 

“At Traunstein! — the duce you say! Then 
that was Bering after all, whom I saw there.” 

“Ah, you have seen my Jacob! Have you 
spoken to him ?” 

“Seen — yes, but spoken to him — no!” 

“When did you see him ?” 

“Well, I came to Traunstein yesterday morn- 
ing and had to wait two hours for the next train 


26 


A BET 


to Kirchheim. To kill time, I walked about the 
town and I met a finely dressed man with a girl. 
‘What!’ I said to myself, ‘that fellow looks like 
Bering.’ Following them was another girl in 
company with Mr. Berko and lieutenant Gregor. 
I turned and followed them and took another 
good look at the man — and I would have sworn 
it was Bering. He seemed to be in close conver- 
sation and very emphatic with the girl. I asked 
a man who was standing on the sidewalk if he 
knew him, and he said that gentleman was a 
Russian Prince. ’ ’ 

“A Russian Prince! Great goodness, then I 
was right the day before yesterday after all! 
With a irl he was ?” 

“Yes.” 

“And gallanting you say he was ?” 

“Yes; you bet.” 

“Now, wait!” Uttering these words, Mrs. 
Bering left the man in the street and ran back 
home without getting any bread. 


It was about noon, on the same day, when 
Prince Berinsky entered the parlor, where sat 
Miss Caldwell. 

“A — a, charmant — ah — good morning; char- 
man — ah — very good morning, Miss Caldwell.” 


A BET. 


27 


“Thanks; will Your Excellency be seated?” 

“Ah, yes, charmant; please keep your seat 
also — ah, charmant,” said the Prince, drawing 
his armchair close to Miss Caldwell’s. “Ah — 
charmant, very charmant; please, I — I shall — I 
must — no, I wanted to say — something very 
char — important to you. Yes; sure enough. 
I wanted — I would like to — I shall — would — I, 
myself — don’t you want to get married? Don’t 
you want to marry — me?” 

Miss Caldwell rose to her feet as if by electric 
force, walked up and down the room several 
times and stopped at the open window. 

“Miss Caldwell — Oh! Miss Caldwell! I didn’t 
want to make you mad. I — I had to — yes, was 
compelled; wanted to ask you — because I have 
to go aw T ay!” 

“Your Excellency has to go away?” 

“Yes; certainly!” 

“And where — where do you go ?” 

“I have to — am compelled — the Russian Em- 
peror wants to see me. ’ ’ 

“Ah, your Excellency goes to the Russian Im- 
perial Court!” 

“Yes, yes, that’s it; and for that reason only 
I wanted to ask — do you want?” 

“Yes, yes, your Highness; I accept your 
offer.” 


28 


A BET. 


“Oh my! Oh, ah — charmant! Yes, really, very 
charmant. I am — yes, delighted, gra — I’d like 
to kiss you for — ” 

He was interrupted by a rapping at the door. 

“Come in! But, Mary, did I not tell you not 
to disturb me?” said Miss Caldwell to her ser- 
vant. 

“I should not have done so, Miss Caldwell, 
but there is a country woman outside with a lot 
of young children and she will not leave or be 
driven away.” 

“Great Scott ! How many children has she?” 
ejaculated the now pale-faced Prince. 

“Oh, a whole lot of them; I think about six.” 

“A small, fleshy woman?” 

“Yes, your Excellency.” 

“God ! It is she ! By all the saints ! Don’t 
let her in, Miss Caldwell — don’t let her in !” 

“Well, why not? What is the matter with 
the woman ?” 

“Oh, Miss Caldwell, if you let her come in I — 
I’ll jump out of the window !” 

“All right; I will go and see what she wants.” 

“No; you must not do that, either. Go and 
send that — that woman away.” 


A BET. 


29 


“No,” exclaimed Miss Caldwell; “I want to 
know what all this means. Mary, let the woman 
■come in.” 

‘‘Mercy on us; now all is lost ! ejaculated the 
Prince, and in utter despair he looked around 
the room. The windows were rather too high 
from the ground. He saw a curtain, and by this 
time he also saw Mrs. Bering with her children 
enter the door. He disappeared like lightning 
behind the curtain. He saw a bed and quickly 
crawled under it. But Mrs. Bering had seen and 
followed him. 

‘‘Oh, you rascal ! Come out. you mean 
scoundrel, you ! Come from under that bed ! — 
wait, I’ll get you !” She saw an umbrella lying 
close by and grasping it, poked it under the bed. 
Will you come out?” 

‘‘Oh, oh! Susan, quit! I — yes, I’ll come.” 

‘‘There, you mean rascal ! Come in here!” 
cried Mrs. Bering, pulling the Prince by his 
swallow-tail coat into the room. ‘‘There, show 
yourself once more to this woman! Show her 
also your six young ones! Yes, you needn’t 
be staring that way; they are his children. You ! 
yes, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, to try 
to steal a poor woman’s husband when she has 
six children. Yes ; shame on you ! Now, you 
come, you scoundrel you ! You’ll get your 
share when we get home.” 


30 


A BET. 


Another year had gone by. Lieutenant Greg- 
or, who was with his regiment in garrison at 
Berlin, had lately returned from a trip on leave 
of absence to his friend, Berko and wife. He 
was on a short visit to his friend, Major Dopier, 
in the parlor of the latter and had just finished 
his romantic story of the Bet and its conse- 
quences. 

“Yes,” he continued, “Berko indeed is happy, 
but in his wife, the former Miss Wentworth, he 
possesses the most charming, affectionate and 
loving wife, one who unites all the qualities to 
make a man happy. Last year, in October, he 
went to America, was well received there and 
was married to his bride at the home of her 
parents in the city of Boston. Mr. and Mrs. 
Wentworth, the parents of Mrs. Berko, are now 
here in Germany on a visit to their daughter, and 
are overjoyed to see their child so happy.” 

“And Miss Caldwell, the rich heiress, where is 
she now?” asked the Major. 

“Berko was telling me that she is at Kissingen 
this season. A French Prince, absolutely de- 
crepid and dissolute, head over ears in debt, is 
said to be paying her attention and courting her 
with a great deal of success. It’s a pity for the 
girl,” said Lieutenant Gregor, as he closed his 
narrative with a sigh. 

“And the patch-tailor, Bering ?” 


A BET ; 


3i 


“Well, his family has had another increase 
and since Berko paid them the promised two 
hundred marks, and made a thorough explana- 
tion to the woman, she has regained her former 
good humor and the}' are getting along nicely.” 

Only, when Mrs. Bering finds out that there is 
an American girl in the village, she gets uneasy 
and watches her Jacob with jealous eyes. 



























































































































• • 
























































• . . r 



- \ 



















































































































“MY MASCOT.” 


“Haven’t you got an old hat which you can 
lend me?” I was asked by Mr. Smith, an old ac- 
quaintance. 

“Yes, I think I have one at home. But what 
do you want with an old hat?” I inquired in as- 
tonishment. 

“Well, I intend to go on a deer hunt to-mor- 
row, and I have no hat but this silk stovepipe I 
am now wearing; and to go hunting with a 
cylinder on my head would hardly do.” 

“Yes, that is quite true.” 

“Will you bring me that hat to-morrow morn- 
ing from home?” 

“Certainly, I will.” 

“Good! Then I’ll come to your office early 
and get it.” 

“All right.” 

The next morning, according to agreement, 
Smith made his appearance and I gave him the 
promised hat. It was a broad-brimmed, black, 
soft felt. I was in the habit of giving my hats 


36 


MY MASCOT. 


a deep dent or depression, a so-called rain- 
catcher, transforming the round appearance of 
the crown into an oblong shape, with a sharp 
point front and back. The hat, which I was 
loaning Smith, had a large hole in the front, 
caused by constant indentation. 

“Here, Mr. Smith,” said I, “if you will wear 
this old hat, it is at your service. I have but 
this one.” 

“Oh, that will do; it is good enough to run 
around with on the prairie.” 

I was in the best of humor that morning and 
wished to have a little fun, but I never expected 
that my little quibble would have such evil effects 
in the denouncement as it really had; hence I 
said to Smith: “Are you aware that this old 
hat is a Mascot?” 

“Really?” 

“Yes; and I will tell you how it will bring you 
luck. You, of course, are aware what a mascot 
means?” 

“Yes; it is something that brings luck to the 
possessor. ’ ’ 

“Good! You know the greatest difficulty in 
deer hunting, is, to get near enough to your game 
for a good shot. Now, do you see this hole in 
the hat?” 


“Yes.” 


MY MASCOT. 


37 


“Very well. When you get in a neighborhood 
where you expect your game, pull this hat en- 
tirely over your face, so that no one will know 
you, and look through this hole. When in the 
proximity of the animals and they will recognize 
this old hat, the leading ‘buck’ (of course not in 
our language, but they have a language of their 
own), the ‘buck’ will say to the others: ‘Be still, 
children; do not be afraid, that is that old fool 
Bob. I know his hat. Never fear; he couldn’t 
hit anything with his old gun — no, not to save 
his life. ’ Now, you see, this old hat will not 
make the herd uneasy. They will continue to 
graze and thus you will have a chance to get 
near enough for a sure and successful shot.’’ 

“Oh, that is splendid; I will closely follow 
youi instructions,” said Smith. 

“Stop; one thing more: I claim half of all 
you get.” 

“Agreed; you shall have it,” said Smith, and 
off he went. 

On the following morning, with a bundle un- 
der his arm, my old hat in one hand and his 
walking cane in the other, Smith entered my of- 
fice like a cyclone and looking like a wild In- 
dian on the war path. “Here,” he said, in a 
voice quivering with rage, “here is your miser- 
able hat!” and, with a gesture of contempt, he 
threw the same at my feet. 




MY MASCOT. 


“Great Scott!” I exclaimed in amazement, 
“what is the matter?” 

“The matter?! enough to make a man crazy! 
I experienced more annoyance yesterday than 
ever before in my life. Yes, sir, that is true; 
and it is no one elses fault but yours. Yes, you 
and your shabby despicable old hat, and your 
barefaced impudence to claim the hat to be a 
mascot. It is really preposterous!” 

“But, by all the saints, relate what has hap- 
pened!” 

“Now, before I tell you what happened, let me 
ask you one question: Didn’t you want half of 
all I got?” 

“Y-e-s!” 

“Well, you shall have it; and hence I will tell 
you everything. Three hours after I left you 
yesterday, I reached the mountains. After I had 
made all due or necessary preparations for the 
hunt, I pulled your mascot, according to your 
directions, over my face and 'proceeded slowly, 
looking about, far and near, everywhere, through 
that hole in the hat, but could not get a glimpse 
of any living thing. I probably had walked thus 
for an hour, when suddenly I received a terrible 
blow, thus — ” 

“Oh, oh !” I cried, after the relator had given 
me an unexpected blow across my face, which 


MY MASCOT. 


39 


made me think my head was broken. “Oh, 
what in the d — l’s name do you mean ?” 

“Well, that was your half; I have had mine 
before. Anyway, as I said, it was a powerful 
lick. Infuriated, and with my gun in one hand, 
I hit about me, but did not come in contact with 
anything. At last I pulled the hat off in order 
to see the scoundrel who had struck me, but I 
saw no one — not a living being within sight. 
The nearest trees stood at least a hundred yards 
away, so I could not have run against one of 
them. The whole was a mystery. ‘Ah,’ I 
thought to myself, ‘it is possible that the villian 
is behind me !’ I made several quick turns, but 
nothing living was to be seen. Then another 
lick, thus — ” 

But this time I was prepared, and when Smith 
w r as hauling off to give me the lick, I stooped 
low and with one leap to the side evaded the 
blow. But if adversity has once taken hold of 
anybody, one calamity will follow another, and 
all preparations or endeavors to avoid them will 
prove futile. The blow, I did not receive, but 
with the sudden leap my feet got entangled in 
the cross sticks of a chair and — there I lay, 
sprawling on the floor, feeling as if every limb in 
my body had been broken on the wheel. With 
a loud groan I arose. 


40 


MY MASCOT . 


“Now you have yom half in a different man- 
ner !” continued Smith in an unrelenting spirit, 
“and, as already said, I received another blow 
on the head, but this time from behind. I 
turned around quickly, and, what did I see ? I 
had stepped on the teeth of a dilapidated old 
rake, in consequence of which the handle flew 
up and struck me in the face and head. Maybe 
you think I wasn’t mad ! Seizing the rake I 
broke it into atoms on the nearest tree. After 
my passion had somewhat subsided, I again ap- 
plied my mascot to my head and face and went on 
my way. I might have continued a half hour, 
when I felt something pulling at my coat-tail. I 
reached back and sure enough something had 
hold of me. I snatched the hat off, wheeled 
around, and saw an old cow chewing my coat- 
tail pockets ! You noticed yesterday that I was 
wearing a coat with ‘long appendages.’ Well, 
in the hind pockets I had put some salt, in case 
I should be compelled tox:ook something during 
the day, and the cow must have got scent of it. 
I drove her away, but my coat is so chewed up 
that I can never make any use of it again. 

“Here it is,” said Smith, interrupting himself 
and opening the bundle which he had under his 
arm and showing me the coat with the demolished 
tails. “You see for yourself that I can never 
wear this coat again, and I wish to inform you 


MY MASCOT. 


4 r 

that it cost me twenty dollars; consequently your 
half is ten dollars even, which amount I wilt 
call for to-morrow. Now, after once haviug 
quited my excited mental faculties,” continued 
Smith, “I again applied the mascot to my face 
and again proceeded in the hunt. I walked 
about over the prairie at all points of the com- 
pass, but could see no deer. Presently I observed 
something moving behind a bush — really it must 
be a deer ! I gradually crept nearer, took aim 
and fired. Then pulling the mascot or that in- 
fernal hat off, I ran to the place where the deer 
must have fallen, but alas ! Instead of the noble 
stag, I found I had killed a large fat hog. This 
was decidedly provoking. I cast my eyes in 
every direction to ascertain whether or not any- 
one had seen me shoot the hog. I saw, to my 
great alarm, that I was in the immediate vicinity 
of a farm and the house thereon was within 
barely two hundred yards, of where I stood. 
From it, probably aroused by my shot, came 
several men who were looking enquiringly about 
Overcome with fear, I began to run, as only a man 
can under such circumstances. But soon I heard 
loud and vehement shouts and exclamations 
close behind and it didn’t take them long to 
catch up with me. There were three of them; 
two young strapping chaps and one old man. 
They took my gun, and with their overgrown 
farmer fists, they dealt me blow after blow,, 
thus—” 


42 


MY MASCOT. 


“Smith — dear Mr. Smith, do not beat me,” I 
cried piteously; “I am even now more dead than 
alive !” 

“It it true you look miserably wretched,” ex- 
claimed Smith. “I will save the balance of 
your share for a better time. You may be sure 
that you will not fall short. Now, to continue: 
These fellows seemed for a while bent upon 
making hash out of me, and I drew a long breath 
of relief when the old man commanded the young 
scoundrels to stop their pummeling and beating 
me.” 

“Sir!” cried the old man addressing me, 
“do you know that you have killed my best 
hog, which I wouldn’t have parted with for any 
price ?” 

“I told him I was very sorry.” 

“Sorry or not sorry,” vociferated the old 
man, ‘you have killed my hog and I want to get 
paid for it right now ! If you do not pay - me 
willingly I shall sue you!’ 

“How much do you consider your hog to be 
worth ?” I asked. 

“At least thirty-five dollars.” 

“What!” I cried, “thirty-five dollars? For 
that sum I can buy in San Antonio four hogs as 
large as yours. ’ ’ 


MY MASCOT. 


43 


“That may be,” replied the old man, “but no 
such hogs as mine. ’ ’ 

“I can’t pay that much for this hog,” I said. 

“Well, in that case I’ll sue you. We’ll see 
if such a contemptible city dude can come out 
here and kill a poor farmer’s hogs without hind- 
rance ! We have courts here in Texas.” 

“I think we will take the fellow along at 
once to the Justice of the Peace,” exclaimed one 
of the vulgar young rustics. 

“Yes, that’s it,” cried the old man. “Take 
him to Judge O’Bryan right away.” 

The two uncouth youngsters took me between 
them, the old man in front, and thus we walked 
a distance of two miles to the farm of the Justice 
of the Peace. Upon arriving, the old man re- 
lated ihe crime committed by me. 

“Bndeed, and it’s powerful bad, this is!” said 
the Justice, after the old man had finished his 
story. “Yis, powerful bad; but God be praised, 
crimes like this must be punished ! But we — 
yis, we, have the laws of Texas, and it is mesilf 
will see them same laws kept and obeyed ! 
Although it is unable I am to hear and take up 
the case now, becase me wife is away and me 
constable is gone, he is. Stop. If it plase the 
Uord, this is Thursday, it is; we will set the 
suit for Tuesday next week.” 


44 


MY MASCOT. 


“After the plaintiffs had given their consent, I 
was examined by the Justice of the Peace: 
‘What is your name? How old are you? Where 
do you live? What is you occupation? Have you 
parents? If so, how many? What is their name?' 
What is your father’s occupation? Did your par- 
ents have any children? Were they all girls or 
boys? What is the name of your grand parents?' 
What did they do? Where did they live? Were 
they childless or not? Why don’t you have child- 
ren? Why are you not married yet? Couldn’t 
yoti find a girl to suit? Have you a sweetheart? 
Do you drink? Smoke? Use snuff? Chew?' 
Dance? Have you ever stolen any chickens? Do 
you belong to the church? To what religion do 
you belong? Have you been baptized? Were you 
ever born? When? Where? Can you recollect 
that time? Have you been to school? Can you 
read? Write? Can you tell me how much is 
‘two and two’? Have you ever been punished at 
school? How many times? Didn’t you loaf dur- 
ing school hours? ’ 

“After answering all these interrogatories and 
many others in the most conscientious manner, 
said the Justice: ‘Endade, an unlookey case it 
is, sar. Be the laws of the State I am compelled, 
I am, to put a surety on you; and is there any 
friend ye have that will give bond for you in 
these surroundings!’ 


MY MASCOT. 


45 


4t ‘No!’ I responded. 

‘Thin, it will be miself, who will not mind the 
law, and it is letting ye run, I will. But, mind 
ye now, and it here ye need to be at 9 o’clock in 
the marning, Tuesday next, or send a lawyer to 
represend you; if not, we will send, our constable 
to bring you. Your gun it is ye ask for? It will 
remain in kaping of this court, it will, until ye’s 
suit is ended.’ 

“Rest assured that I cleared out at once,” con- 
tinued Smith, “and arrived home very late last 
night. ISTow, let us consult how we can get out 
of this ” 

“We!” I exclaimed, “I haven’t got anything 
to do with it!” 

“No? — Didn’t you want the half of everything 
I got?” 

“Y-e-s.” 

“Well, then, I got nothing by hunting; have 
only experienced and suffered adversity and dis- 
tress, and of this you shall have your share. 
There is no more to be said about it, for you and 
your ragged, miserable mascot are the cause of 
.all the accidents and casualties of yesterday.” 

I concluded, that Smith was right, and after 
much consultation it was decided I should con- 
sult a lawyer as to the best “modus operandi” 
•of extricating my friend from the network of 


4 6 


MY MASCOT. 


trouble, which the mascot had woven around 
him. 

Accordingly, I went to Mr. Brown, an able at- 
torney, and described to him our situation. 

“That your friend Smith did not pay the thir- 
ty-five dollars was very sensible,” said Mr. 
Brown. “The claim is an outrageous one, and 
it is really astonishing how impertinent these 
farmers are getting. You turn that suit over to 
me; I’ll fix them — not one cent shall they have.” 

“What will you charge us for your services?” 
I asked. 

“Well, as you are an old acquaintance, I’ll 
not overtax you.” 

“But I would like to know anyway how much 
your fee will be.” 

“Well, owing to our acquaintance and friend- 
ship, I will charge you only twenty dollars. ’ * 

At first I thought the sum a little high, but 
counted that Smith would have to pay half, so I 
engaged the lawyer. 

Smith, whom I saw later, was pleased with 
the bargain. 

The next Saturday morning the lawyer came 
tome. “You could do me a great favor,” he 
said. “I have something to pay and have left 
my bank book at home. I need ten dollars.” 


MY MASCOT. 


47 


I gave him the money. The same afternoon 
he came again and in a long-winded story told 
me that his grandmother had come on a visit, 
and he hadn’t one cent at home. Couldn’t I 
let him have five dollars in advance? 

I gave him the five dollars. 

In the evening I saw Smith and told him I 
had let the lawyer have fifteen dollars. 

“D n it!” cried Smith, “he also got fifteen 

dollars from me, hence the man has already ten 
dollars more than contracted for!” 

We looked at one another for a long time, with 
long faces, and, as I afterwards thought, very 
foolish ones, and then went home. 

The following Monday morning the lawyer 
came again with a sad countenance. His grand- 
mother wanted to go back home and desired that 
he pay her railroad fare. He would like to do 
it with all his heart, but did not have one cent. 
Could I let him have five dollars? 

“No, sir ! !” I cried. 

‘‘All right, if you do not let me have the five 
dollars willingly, I demand it!” 

“What!” I cried in amazement, ‘‘have you not 
already received more money from us than we 
contracted for?” 

‘‘No, I have not. What did I charge you?” 


48 


MY MASCOT. 


“Twenty dollars.” 

“That is right; and I shall not demand one 
cent more. Fifteen dollars I have received and 
thus there are five more due me.” 

“What! Did you not also go to Smith and get 
him to give you fifteen dollars?” 

“Yes, that is correct; and he also still owes me 
five dollars.” 

“Sir! sir!” I ejaculated, puzzled and con- 
founded at the man’s cool audacity, “sir, how is 
that?” 

“Simple enough; I said I would not charge 
you more than twenty dollars and consequently 
cannot charge your friend Smith more than that 
amount. It would not be right, so I charge him 
also but twenty dollars.” 

“Forty dollars!” I exclaimed and leaned back 
completely overcome, but after due reflection, I 
controlled myself and again handed the wretch 
five dollars, which he smilingly took and left the 
office. 

A few hours later he returned. 

“I have everything ready,” he said, “for to- 
morrow morning. You must call for me early, 
say at seven a. m. to-morrow with your buggy 
and ” 

“What! I shall go with you?!” 


MY MASCOT. 


49 


“Of course! How do you suppose I am to get 
out there? Do you imagine for a moment that 
out of the few dollars I have received from 
you, that I will hire a conveyance? Ah! I am 
not quite as big a Jool as that. You come with 
your buggy to-morrow morning and call for me! 
I also want you to bring two gallons of whiskey 
in two separate jugs!” 

“Great Scott! What do you want with so 
much whiskey?” 

“That is my business. I need it. You will 
also dress up in your best suit and wear your 
cylinder hat. This will give you a dignified and 
prominent appearance. Your mascot you must 
take along also. So, now, farewell until morn!” 
With these words he disappeared. 

What could I do? Grieving and getting into 
a passion would not change matters one iota, 
and on the following morning I had my horse 
hitched up and I drove to his house. Soon after 
we were on the road to the Justice of the Peace, 
Mr. O’Bryan. 

‘Now pay attention to what I am going to 
tell you,” said the lawyer, after having gained 
the main road and my horse was stepping lustily 
forward. “After reaching the farm I am going 
to introduce you to the Judge’s wife, and I wish 
you to be very courteous and polite to this wo- 
man; and if I happen to make an assertion about 


50 


MY MASCOT. 


anything, which may not be true, you must not 
contradict me. Again, whenever I ask you to 
take a drink, you must take long and big 
drinks!” 

“But I do not drink whiskey at all.” 

“That makes no difference. You put the jug 
to your lips and pretend to take a big drink.” 

“But why all this nonsense ?” 

“It is no nonsense. If you were not such a 
green fellow you would understand at once why 
I ask you to do this. I want the others to drink, 
and when they see that you and I drink a great 
deal without its affecting us, they will be apt to 
follow suit. Now do you understand ?” 

“Y-e-s.” 

Half an hour before the appointed time we 
were at the main gate which lead into O’Bryan’s 
farm. We could, from this point, get a com- 
plete view of the whole place. Immediately 
inside the fence was the field and a narrow wagon 
road wound through the same towards the 
house. There were two men and a woman 
working in the field about fifty yards away from 
us. 

“That is O’Bryan and wife,” said the lawyer. 
“The other is a hired hand and constable at the 
same time.” He then got out of the bnggy, 
opened the gate, and I drove through. 


MY MASCOT. 


5i 


“Tie your horse to this tree and we will walk 
over to where they are.” 

I obeyed instructions, after which we walked 
towards the place where the three were working. 
They had noticed us by this time and looked 
inquiringly at us. 

“Good morning, Judge; good morning, Mrs. 
O’Bryan. How glad I am to see you looking so 
healthy !” exclaimed the lawyer, while holding 
his hat in his left hand and extending his right 
to husband and wife. The Justice, an old, un- 
couth, haggard and beardless man with long 
disheveled hair, took the hand of the lawyer and 
shook it with a cordial welcome. 

Mrs. O’Bryan was the opposite to her husband 
— his very counterpart. Short, but stout, red 
hair, gray eyes, a stub nose of a bluish red color, 
and a very large mouth, while the cut of her 
dress did not increase her loveliness. The waist 
came about under her arms, and she undoubtedly 
wore a hoopskirt of unusual size, as the lower 
part of her dress was at least five or six times 
larger in circumference than the waist. I was 
introduced and greeted pleasantly. 

“ ‘And it is about the pig ye came?’ was the 
interrogatory of the woman, addressing the law- 
yer. 

“Yes, Mrs. O’Bryan’s,” he answered. 


52 


MY MASCOT. 


“ ‘And wasn’t that a shameful and unchristian 
act to a poor farmer’s hog ? The blarsted sinner, 
save the pigs and your honor, he should be pun- 
ished and fined, endade. Yis, punished and 
fined !’ 

* “ ‘Why, Mrs. O’Bryan, you are perfectly 
right !’ said the lawyer, whom I regarded with 
astonishment. ‘It is a vile and contemptible 
act, and that man Smith deserves to be fined, 
but — ’ 

“ ‘Well?’ asked the woman. 

“ ‘You see, Mrs. O’Bryan, if those people — 
oh, what is their name, whose hog was killed !’ — 

“Miller.” 

“Good. You see, Mrs. O’Bryan, if Mr. Miller 
and his two sons, after they had caught Smith, 
had brought him here to our respected and Hon- 
orable Justice O’Bryan, and, had him fined to the 
utmost penalty of the law, that would have been 
perfectly right and in order. But to beat and 
thrash him — no, that was unlawful.” 

“Now, if it plase ye, he was desarving the 
beating, all the same !” 

“In this, Mrs. O’Bryan, I agree with you, but 
— great Scott ! I feel — I feel really weak and 
fainting. We started early this morning from 
the city. We brought a little of something 
strong, but actually forgot to make use of the 


MY MASCOT. 


53 


same. Please excuse me for a moment if I step 
aside; I only wish to go to the buggy, or,” ad- 
dressing me, the lawyer said : “Wouldn’t you 
please go after the jug? That is, if Mr. and 
Mrs. O’Bryan have no objections?” 

“Not at all, at all,” said the woman. 

I went to the buggy and brought the desired 

jug. 

Returning, I heard the Judge order the servant, 
who stood there with mouth wide open, to bring 
our buggy to the stable, which he did. 

“Oh ! a thousand excuses, Mrs. O’Bryan ,’ r 
exclaimed the lawyer, after he had taken the jug 
out of my hands and, as if lost in thought, 
offered the same to the woman. 

“I — pray excuse me,” he added, laughing ; 
“my gallantry and respect for the weaker sex 
came near betraying me. I was actually about 
to pass you the jug ; never reflecting that such 
an act would be offensive to a lady. Once more, 
I entreat you, forgive me.” 

“Come, now; none of yer high falutin blarney! 
It isn’t me that can be skered by a jug and its 
contints, never you fear. Just plase hand it 
this way. It won’t make me faint — be sure of 
that.” 

She drank from the jug, her husband followed 
suit, then the lawyer in long draughts, and I — 


54 


MY MASCOT. 


I came last and, in accordance with instructions, 
I put the jug to my lips and apparently made 
heavy drains of the same, alter which I placed it 
on the ground. 

“Oh, what was I going to say? Yes, I have 
it. It was about the hog and the thrashing. 
As already said, Mrs. O’Bryan, a moderate beat- 
ing would’t have been wrong; but — well, I 
know, Mrs. O’Bryan, you are a smart and sensi- 
ble lady;' you possess sound common sense and 
judgment, and after you get acquainted with all 
the particulars, you will agree with me. Those 
Millers have given that man Smith such a beat- 
ing that he came near dying last week ; and you 
see, they were certainly not justified in doing 
that.” 

“And is it the facts ye are tellin’ me?” 

'“Of course ! When he came back to town he 
complained of pains in the back and had to go 
to bed at once. He was really very sick. He 
engaged me as his representative here to-day, 
but we will bring the case before the grand jury, 
and — well, you know what that means. It will 
be a very sorry and uncomfortable affair for 
those Millers.” 

“Yis, if the batin’ was done that bad, plaze 
the saints, it will be a hard case for the Millers, 
and pace making would be a blessing.” 


MY MASCOT. 


55 


“You see, Mrs. O’Bryan, that I was right in 
my judgment. I knew, if everything was ex- 
plained and made clear to you, you would hit 
upon the only feasible way of settling this mat- 
ter.” 

“Now let us be goin’ to the house, as I see 
that Miller and his lads are there now,” inter- 
rupted the Judge. 

Again, in consequence of the pressing invita- 
tion of the lawyer, the jug made its round and 
lastly remained in the hands of the Justice. 

We walked slowly towards the house, which 
was about three hundred yards distant. 

“Offer the woman your arm,” wispered the 
lawyer in my ear. 

What could I do? I had to accept the situa- 
tion and politely offered her m}^ arm, which was 
accepted at once, and we walked in advance, fol- 
lowed by the other two. 

The woman at once made interrogatories about 
Smith. Of course, I spoke well of him. We 
had advanced about one hundred yards, when 
Mrs. O’Bryan drew back suddenly, saying: 
“Begora, it’s not right at all, at all, to trate da- 
cent ladies and gintlemen, as we are, in a neg~ 
lectful manner, endade not!” 

I looked back, and sure enough the Judge had 
the jug to his lips. 


56 


MY MASCOT. 


“Now, be the saints, will ye after giving me 
the jug; it’ll be me to carry it safe, and it is care- 
ful ye should be, for this day of the Lord is your 
court. ’ ’ 

She again took my arm, with the jug in the 
other hand, and thus walked to the house. 
Upon reaching it, she winked at the old man 
Miller, and immediately after, the old man and 
the O’Bryans disappeared in the house. The 
lawyer took my arm and we walked, in slow and 
measured steps, towards our buggy. 

“Hello, the other jug is missing,’’ I said after 
we reached the vehicle. 

“Hush, now! Don’t you see, back of the 
stable, there is the hired man or constable with 
the two young Millers, sampling the whiskey. 
Never mind; just let them drink.” 

A little later old man Miller came out of the 
house and motioned the lawyer aside. 

“Are you a lawyer?” I heard the old man ask. 

“Yes,” was the response. 

“Good. Will you or can you do me a favor 
and give me some advice? Here are five dol- 
lars.” 

“All right, Mr. Miller, what do you wish to 
know?” 


MY MASCOT. 


57 


“Are things really so bad and can it actually 
result in such a disastrous ending?” 

“Of what do you speak, Mr. Miller?” 

“Well, about the hog-killing matter.” 

“Ah, yes — yes, that is a fatal matter and verily 
a bad case. I am sorry, very sorry, Mr. Miller, 
that you should have got yourself entangled in 
this unfortunate affair.” 

“Yes — but what must I do?” 

“Take the suit or complaint back, and I will 
try and persuade Smith to keep silent.” 

“Would that cost me anything?” 

“Why, of course!” 

“How much?” 

“Well, let me see — pay me twenty dollars and 
cost of court, then ” 

“What?! Thunderation! That I’ll never do! 
What, my best hog killed and on top of all that, 
the Lord only knows how much money I will 
have to pay in addition! No, sir! I’ll never do 

it !” 

“Then I really cannot help you,” said the 
lawyer, drawing up his shoulders. 

Miller sped away, called his two sons and the 
trio put their heads together. After a while I 


58 


MY MASCOT. 


noticed how the two younger ones were abashed 
and thoughtfully scratching their ears and then 
all three went into the house. A short time 
after they came out again and old man Miller 
said they would accept the compromise and pay 
the twenty dollars and costs of the court. 

“The court is open!” roared the constable. 

We all went into the house. The room we 
entered was very small and low. In one corner 
stood a bed; in the other a large trunk; in the 
middle a table, upon which stood the code of the 
State of Texas. A half dozen rawhide chairs 
completed the outfit. 

The Justice sat back of the table, with his 
wife next to him. 

After we were all seated and had bared our 
heads, the Justice said: “Be the power to me 
granted this court will proceed; and is the com- 
plainant and defendant in attendance?” 

“Yes, your Honor,” replied the lawyer. “May 
it please the Honorable Court, I would like to 
inform your Honor that the opposing parties 
have made a peaceable compromise.” 

“ ‘And if it is the facts ye are tellin’ me, it is 
not any court that is needed at all, at all !’ said 
the Justice. 

“ ‘And it is meself says no !' exclaimed the 
wife of the Justice ; ‘the law suit is in court, it 


■MY MASCOT. 


59 


is ; it be chating the law, endade ; ye can draw 
out in open court only, Mr. lawyer !’ 

“ ‘Silence !’ roared the Justice. ‘Silence in 
court !’ 

“ ‘Yes; .silence in court!’ howled the con- 
stable. 

“Mrs. O’Bryan,” continued the Justice, ad- 
dressing his wife, who had cast some contemptu- 
ous looks at the constable, “Mrs. O’Bryan, it is 
silence ye’ll be observing in the court.” Then, 
addressing us: “Since the complaint was pre- 
sented to this court publicly, it is to be recalled 
in opent court, endeed.” 

“Well,” said the lawyer, “I hereby withdraw 
the suit and Mr. Miller will ” 

“Begorea, it isn’t the defendant has a right to 
draw out,” interrupted the woman. 

“Will ye be after houlding your tongue!” 
cried the Justice. 

“Holding yer tongue !” roared the constable. 

“Mrs. O’Bryan, it is the power of Justice, we 
be after punishing 3^011 for contempt of court, 
twenty-five dollar.” 

The woman’s only answer was a contemptuous 
motion of her lower lip. 


6o 


MY MASCOT. 


,; And be the same powers, as Justice of the 
Peace of the State of Texas, ye be granted for- 
giveness of the fine,” said the Justice to his wife, 
and continuing to us: ‘‘It be not lawful for de- 
fendant to be after making a withdrawal !” 

The lawyer got up and spoke in a whisper to 
Miller, after which old man Miller said: ‘‘I 
withdraw the suit and pay all costs !” 

The Justice looked at his wife, who nodded 
consent, and then said : ‘‘Now, be the power of 
the law, this court is declared closed !” 

O’Bryan and his wife stepped in the adjoining 
room and the rest of us walked out in the yard. 

Old Miller said to the lawyer if he would go 
with him to his house he would pay him the 
twenty dollars at once. The lawyer went along 
with the Millers and I was left alone. The con- 
stable had seated himself back of the stable. 

I went to fetch my horse, and hitched up in 
order to be ready the moment the lawyer should 
return, after which I walked up and down the 
yard. Getting tired and drowsy, I sat down in 
my buggy. About half an hour later I saw 
O’Bryan stagger out of the house and, leaning a 
chair against the wall, he sat down. Not long 
after I noticed his head drooping on his breast 
and — undoubtedly he had fallen asleep. 


MY MASCOT. 


61 


A little later the woman made her appearance 
and attempted to speak to and rouse her husband. 
What she said, owing to the great distance be- 
tween us, I could not hear. She made some 
efforts to raise his bead and seemed to be getting 
very angry, as she threatened him with her fist; 
when, by Jupiter, she went for his long hair and 
pulled his head up. 

O’Bryan arose to his feet, apparently infuriated, 
picked up a large rock and pursued the now 
fleeing woman. 

“Great Scott!” I thought to myself, “if that 
scoundrel hits her with that rock he will surely 
kill her !” 

I jumped out of the buggy to aid the woman. 
When I got near them, the woman wheeled about 
and turned to her husband exclaiming : “O’Bry- 
an, drop that rock ! Drop that rock !” she 
screamed louder. 

The fingers of her husband’s hand opened 
slowly and the rock fell to the ground. 

“What would ye be after wantin’ ?’ ’ the woman 
cried, looking at me. “Isn’t it mixin’ yerself in 
family doins’ ? Yis, to be sure ; be the saints 
what are ye here for?” 

‘ ‘I — I wanted — I thought your husband wanted 
to hit you !” 


62 


MY MASCOT. 


“What! Begorra, ye spalpeen full of impu- 
dence; would ye be after thinking me husband 
could bate me? Never, be the saints, has he 
bate me ! Mind that, will ye ?’’ 

“Ye are a miserable crater!” ejaculated the 
man. “What for are # ye mixing yerself in our 
family doings? I’ll be after knocking yer brains 
out, if ye be saying that I would bate my wife.” 

“An’ so to the city ye be goin’, ye are to be 
reportin’ as me husband be wantin’ to bate me? 
hey!” she screamed, at the same time grasping 
my coat collar. 

I tried to get away from the infuriated amazon. 

“There — now — you have it!” cried the man, 
knocking my silk hat off, and while it was rolling 
on the ground he gave it such a kick that the hat 
flew high in the air and fell in the cow pen, 
where my beautiful cylinder was soon demolished 
by the cows and calves. Then both tackled me 
and I received an unmerciful thrashing. For- 
tunately the lawyer returned and rescued me 
from the claws of the wretches. 

I hurried to my buggy, put the old mascot on 
my head and called out for the lawyer, that if he 
didn’t come at once I would go alone. He came 
and we hurried towards the city. 

Glancing backward I beheld the two O’Bryans 
arm in arm, kissing each other in the most af- 
fectionate manner. 


MY MASCOT 


63 


While on the road I told the lawyer what had 
happened during his absence, and that miserable 
wretch laughed heartily over my misfortune. 

“Did you get the twenty dollars from Miller?” 
I asked him. 

“Yes.” 

“In that case Smith and I will get some of our 
money back.” 

“What! Are you crazy? You ought to be 
satisfied to get out of this scrape in such an easy 
way. If you hadn’t had me for an attorney it 

would have cost you a d d sight more. But 

what is the matter, you are driving as if you 
were following a funeral procession. Give me 
those reins. Now, get up, you old nag, get 
up!” 

The scoundrel had actually taken the reins out 
of my hands, and my horse, not being used to 
such unusual treatment, now galloped with all 
his might on the rough road. I tried to obtain 
possession of the reins again, but without success 
and was compelled to hold fast with both hands 
to the seat of the buggy to keep from being 
thrown out. Thus we rushed at a furious mad- 
dening rate over the road for some time, when 
all at once the wretch tried to cross over a 
chopped-down tree — a crash ! — and I lay sprawl- 
ing on the ground, immediately followed by the 


6 4 


MY MASCOT. 


lawyer, who rolled over and over, making sev- 
eral evolutions. 

Fortunately my bones were unbroken. I 
noticed my horse, about two hundred yards 
ahead, who had come in contact with some trees 
and brush. I ran to the place, unhitched and 
tried to quiet and calm the trembling animal. 
The rear axle of my buggy was broken, and one 
wheel lay some distance back. 

“What now?” I asked the lawyer, who came 
up waddling like a duck and rubbing his bones. 

“What now? Well, whenever you want to 
take a respectable gentleman to the country you 
must procure a vehicle that will stand the trip.” 

“But what can we do in the present emer- 
gency ?” 

“Well, we both must mount your horse and 
ride to town. The broken buggy you can send 
for.” 

“My horse will not carry two. As soon as a 
second one mounts, he is sure to kick and buck.” 

“Well, in that case I am sorry for you, as you 
will have to walk.” Saying this he mounted 
my horse and rode off. 

And I — half dead from that unmerciful thrash- 
ing I had received, the furious ride, and the fall 
from the buggy — I was forced to walk all the 
'way to town, a distance of about six miles. 


MY MASCOT. 


65 


The same evening, seated in my room near the 
fire place, tired and completely worn out, I re- 
flected : 

“What immense and far-reaching result an ap- 
parently silly joke my have!” My self-commun- 
irfgs worked me up to such a passion and crazed 
frenzy, that I jumped up, grasped my old hat, 
which was the original and real cause of all the 
trouble and mischief that had befallen me, and 
pitched it into the grate amid the glowing em- 
bers. 

“There, go!” I cried solemnly, “thou vile and 
execrable companion! Here at thy funeral pyre 
I pledge myself 'never more to have anything to 
do with a lawyer.’ ‘Never more will I attempt 
to become peace-maker between husband and 
wife; not even if they kill one another before my 
eyes.’ And last, but not least, ‘I will never be 
guilty of another practical joke, or try to make a 
fool of a friend or anybody else — no, not even 
with a Mascot .’ ” 












































- 






. 


V 







































. 






















































- 
































































A Deer Hunt 













































\ . • 


















































































































\ 































' • 



















































1 







“A DEER HUNT.” 


Once I was deer hunting. I have seen real 
live deer, and shot at them and hit — what? 
Well, I ought to have known that I am, and al- 
ways was, a subject of evil fate. In my earliest 
youth I experienced one of the most excruciating 
and painful experiences, which should have cured 
me of deer hunting of any kind. My first 
hunt was not for real live deer, but for an imag- 
inary one, stimulated as I was by a picture that 
excited my youthful ambition to become a nim- 
rod. 

I was eight years old. On one well-remem- 
bered Sunday my mother gave me permission to 
visit our milk-woman, a widow, who lived about 
an hour’s walk from town, and, who had supplied 
our little houshold with milk for years past. 
Joyous, hEppy and proud was I on that Sunday, 
for I was clad in a brand new suit, which my 
mother had prepared out of some worn-out 
clothes of my father. From my uncle I had re- 
ceived a handsome walking cane, which I was 
allowed to take out on that day for the first time, 
and with it I executed some of the grandest cir- 
cular twists and twirls with a feeling of great 
self-importance. 


70 


A DEER HUNT. 


Thus I strode in the finest spirits towards the 
village, where our milk-woman lived. Arriving 
there, I was pleasantly received, my new suit 
sufficiently admired and dozens of times I was 
told what a pretty and well-bred boy I was, all 
of which flattered my pride. After partaking of 
a lunch, the old lady told me, if I wanted to play 
with her children, we could take possession of 
the whole yard. I went out, followed by the 
woman’s six satellites. It took some time for a 
little life to become infused into our conglomer- 
ated play — croud. The children stood shy and 
bashful, with their fingers in their mouth, 
and gaped and stared at me, as if I was a wonder 
from the sea. I condescended to propose several 
games, and, during the next hour, we became 
sufficiently acquainted to make the time pass 
pleasantly, so much that the oldest boy, who was 
about my age and size, got into a serious and ac- 
tive fray with me, and we might not have left 
one strand of hair in each others heads, but for 
the timely interference of the boy’s mother, who 
pulled us apart and delivered a severe maternal 
lecture, which, of course, was only intended for 
her son, after which we played on. I amused 
myself well enough, but everything would have 
been much more pleasant, if I had not been com- 
pelled to keep a close eye on my new suit, be- 
cause my mamma had threatened to whip me 
and prohibit my making any more visits if I soiled 


A DEER HUNT. 


7 l 


my clothes. She said, by being careful, I might 
wear this suit until I was eighteen years of age, 
though knowing full well that they could never 
be worn by a young man of eighteen. In obe- 
dience to intructions, however, I was very care- 
ful, and really, in. the evening, my suit was with- 
out a blemish. When the sun was yet an hour 
high, I took my departure, noticing at the time 
that our wilk-woman gave a deep sigh. Of 
course, she was sorry that I had to go so soon. 
My r mother afterwards said it was a sigh of re- 
lief the woman gave at getting rid of me. 

Happy and light hearted I walked dreamily 
along towards the city. Yes, I was dreaming, 
or at least imagined I was a hunter and held my 
walking cane in a shooting position and shot at 
all the birds that flew past me. When, lo and 
behold ! I came to a small creek over which led a 
narrow foot bridge, while on the opposite side 
rose a low hillock. The whole scene was a fac- 
simile of a picture in our parlor at home, with 
the only difference that on the picture a hunter 
knelt on the ground with steady aim at a large 
buck approaching the waters edge on the other 
side of the creek. “Ha,” thought I, “if a deer 
should now make its appearance there, how 
nicely I could fill the hunter's place !” But 
what is that ? My vivid and too excited imagi- 
nation had created a deer on the other side. I 
threw myself on the ground, with stick in aiming 


72 


A DEER HUNT. 


position — shall I shoot? No, not yet ; the deer 
is too far off. I slipped on all fours quite a dis- 
tance upon the stony surface; — now? — no, not 
yet ; there are some trees in the way. I crawled 
on, my imaginative deer came nearer — suddenly 
I jumped up, took aim with my cane, and — 
bang! Jehosophat ! — how I bounded back with 
fear. Before me stood a large and aged man, 
who, in my hunting excitement, I had not 
noticed. Approaching me, he said : . “What do 
you mean, you good for nothing scamp ! Do you 
dare to make a laughing stockout of old people? 
Wait, I will teach you better sense and man- 
ners !” 

I affirmed and declared by all that was holy 
and dear, that I was innocent of any intention to 
ridicule or make fun of him ; but it was of no 
use. He pulled my cane away from me, stretched 
me over his knee and — oh, ye gods ! how the 
licks smarted as the cruel cane came down upon 
me ! I yelled with all the available power of 
throat and lungs; I kicked and scratched with 
hands and feet, but to no purpose. As a last 
resort I cried out that I was dying. He then 
placed me on my feet, gave me back my imagi- 
nary gun, that is to say my cane, saying : 

“Now, you good-for-nothing scamp you, go !” 

The last command needed no repetitiqn. I 
ran as fast as I could, at the same time rubbing 


A DEER HUN1. 


73 


soothingly that part of my body which had been 
so bitterly wronged. 

It had grown dark, in the mean time, and I 
had to hurry home. I got there just in time for 
supper. My mother, as she finished lighting the 
lamp, turned and received me joyously, saying : 

“Well, dear child, have you returned? Did 
you amuse yourself, and have you had a 

good ” but suddenly interrupting herself and 

pointing to my knee with utter surprise and 
dismay, exclaimed: “How did you do that?” 

Frightened, I followed the direction to which 
her finger pointed. Ye powers above ! During 
my fantastic and imaginary deer hunt, while on 
all fours, I had burst the knees of my new pants 
— so much so, that by the glow of the lamp my 
bare knees were visible. 

“How did you do that, I say?” again ex- 
claimed my mother. 

“I — I — do not know, dear mamma.” 

“Will you at once confess where and how you 
tore your pants ?” 

“Mamma, I — I was playing deer hunting.” 

* ‘Ah ! Playing deer hunting, and there you 
tore your new pants! Wait; I’ll play ‘deer 
hunting’ with you. Suiting the action to the 
word, she took the walking cane from me. 


74 


A DEER HUNT \ 


“Oh, dear mamma, please do not whip me l 
I have already received a severe whipping for it. ’ ’ 

“So ; you got a whipping already, did you? 
Good ! You deserved it, and it does no harm to 
such a good-for-nothing scamp as you, to re- 
ceive a score of whippings !” 

Down again came the hateful walking cane 
with terrific force. I was more dead than alive, 
and for eight days, to sit down was the most un- 
comfortable thing I could do. 

All this was the result of my fertile imagina- 
tion in re ard to deer hunting. 

Now to my hunt for real live deer. 


I was living on a farm, about fifteen miles from 
San Antonio. How did I get there ? Simple 
enough. Having discarded school, I remained 
in the city ten years; working at many different 
things. I wanted to get rich. I came near 
stumbling into the good graces of that treacher- 
ous goddess called Fortune. But, after ten years’ 
experience of hard and varied toil, I found in 
balancing my accounts, that I had made $0.00. 
This was my reward for ten years’ work in the 
city. But this was not all. I had made one 
acquisition — a wife. Yes, I had gained a wife. 
Now, since the investment of our capital did not 


A DEER HUNT. 


IS 


cause us any heartaches, we discussed the ques- 
tion, “How to make a living.” I proposed 
farming, and, after a little consideration, the 
proposition was accepted. I then studied a few 
borrowed books on farming, agriculture, stock- 
raising and the care of poultry. I wanted to 
know everything and carry on every department 
of my labor according to the rules of science, so 
as to be able to show the farmers that farming, 
stockraising^ etc., can only be profitably carried 
on by the aid of science. 

I rented a small farm, bought on time pay- 
ments, from a man who was disgusted with 
farming, two horses, an old wagon, and several 
plows. I then took my ten years’ acquisition, 
my w T ife, put her on the wagon and away we 
went to launch into the farming business. 

Now, up to the day on which I undertook my 
first real deer hunt there had elapsed a period of 
six months, and yet I had not the faintest idea 
where the wealth of a farm was to be found. Our 
household had increased. We bought, on the 
strength of our growing crop, a cow and calf. 
The cow was a gentle animal ; and yet, hadn’t I 
had' such good lower appendages, she would 
have had me at one time on her big, long horns. 
I found out afterwards that a malicious neighbor 
was the cause ; he wanted to play me a trick. I 
had complained to this knavish man one day that 


y6 


A DEER HUNT. 


my wife and myself pulled on the cow every day 
until our hands and fingers were cramped, yet we 
hardly got a quart of milk, while we had been 
assured that the cow would give from four to five 
quarts of milk a day. 

“Well,” said the deceitful man, “many Texas 
cows do that ; but there is a good remedy for it. 
When the cow holds back her milk, all you need 
do, is to rap her stoutly on the horns with a 
stick, and the milk will come at once.” 

The next morning, armed with a stick, I stood 
before the cow. 

“I think you must rap now,” said my wife, 
* ‘she is beginning to hold the milk back. ’ ’ 

I rapped. The cow didn’t seem to like this 
very much, shook her head and looked at me 
with eyes that seemed to say: “Quit that non- 
sense!” 

“I think you must rap harder,” continued my 
wife, “I do not get a drop of milk !” 

Once more I rapped on the horns, when to my 
great consternation the cow jumped at me, and 
knocked over my wife and what little milk she 
had got. I sprang aside. Turing around, the 
cow again made for me at full tilt. In despair I 
ran about the barn yard, the cow roaring and 
bellowing behind me and lessening the distance 
between us every moment, when luckily I 


A DEER HUNT. 


77 


reached the house and had barely time to slam 
the door in the face of the infuriated brute. 

Rest assured I never rapped the cow’s horn 
again. 

Our calf was a pretty, lively little animal. We 
had named the horses; one was called Bill, the 
other Jack, consequently we had to name the cow 
and calf. The cow was christened “Daisy” and 
the calf “Rover.” 

Our Rover was my wife’s pet. Whenever she 
walked across the barnyard, Rover would follow 
her like a dog. Mornings, when the cow had 
been milked, she was kept for several hours in 
the yard and Rover was allowed to go in the 
prairie to eat fresh grass. Whenever my wife 
would call “Rover! Rover!” the calf would come, 
no matter how far off it was, if it could hear her 
voice. This seemed a source of great pleasure to 
my wife and she lavished on her little Rover a 
great deal of petting. How mad I used to get 
about so much caressing and fondling, words fail 
to express. But I’ll be very careful not to say a 
word against it any more, since my wife, upon 
some critical remarks of that kind, played a 
heavy trump upon me as a repartee. 

One day when little Rover, obedient as ever to 
her call, came running home, the affection of 
my wife went so far as to imprint a kiss upon the 


?8 


A DEER HUNT. 


sleek little head of the calf. Irritated at this, I 
took her by the hand and drew her away, say- 
ing: “It looks very unbecoming in you to be 
kissing a stupid calf.” 

My wife grasped my arm, and looking at me 
with a smile, said: “Husband, I actually be- 

live you are envious and jealous of our little 
Rover. ’ ’ 

From that time I took good care never to say 
a word about her affection for the calf. 

There was a great deal of game in the neigh- 
borhood where we lived. Rabbits, turkeys and 
deer we could see almost any day from our house. 
I only lacked a good gun. I had, it is true, an 
old musket, a real thunderer and kicker, but the 
very thought of goingon a hunt with it, made 
my skin creep. One time I aimed at a turkey 
with that musket, without, of course, hurting 
the fowl, but my musket kicked with such force 
that I imagined my whole shoulder was in pieces 
and my wife had to apply to it camomile poul- 
tices. Since then I have had an indescribable 
fear of that old gun. 

One night we had seen about an hour before 
sun down a fine buck and a doe not far away 
from the house and my wife remarked in a coax- 
ing way: 

“Dear Bob, will you teach how me to shoot?’ ’ 


A DEER HUNT. 


79 


"‘With that terrific gun?” I exclaimed. 

“Yes,” she answered. 

“That will break your shoulder to pieces.” 

“I am not afraid of that,” she replied. ‘‘To- 
morrow morning, please, load the gun for me. 
I will pay close attention in order to learn to 
load it myself, and you must then instruct me in 
the art of shooting. Look,” said she, smacking 
her lips as if longing for something delicious to 
eat, ‘‘wouldn’t it be nice if we could have a veni- 
son roast? There are so many deer roaming 
about and you will see how quickly I can get 
one.” 

This was to much for my manhood and pride. 
“What,” I thought to myself, ‘‘my little wife has 
the courage to fire that gun and I have not!” This 
aroused my valor; walking to the corner I picked 
up the thunderer and commenced loading it. 

‘‘What are you going to do?” exclaimed my 
wile, who was watching my proceedings with 
astonishment. 

‘‘I am loading my gun and to-morrow morn- 
ing I intend going on a deer hunt.” 

‘‘What, you will go then yourself?” asked my 
cunning little wife, and, in the fullness of her 
heart, she gave me a good hug. ‘‘Oh, Bob, how 
will I love you, when you bring a deer home. 


8o 


A DEER HUNT. 


Now, while you are attending to your gun, I will 
prepare something for you. ’ ’ 

“What?” I asked in amazement. 

“Well, I will prepare a cushion, which you 
can buckle around your shoulder, so that the gun 
can’t hurt you.” 

The next morning when I awoke, the first 
thing I saw was that calamitous cushing lying 
on a chair in front of the bed. I at once remem- 
bered the promise I had made my wife. My 
skin crept and I uselessly taxed my brain to find 
some excuse for not going, but nothing would 
present itself ! What should I do? I could not 
back down from my words! Oh, if it would only 
rain! I stuck my head out of the window, but 
the clearest and bluest sky seemed to regard me 
with silent mockery. The grim old musket also 
stood in the corner, and — nothing was left me 
but to try my skill at hunting. 

We fed the horses, attended to our cow and 
calf, then breakfasted, and I strode forth to kill 
a deer. I must have looked ridiculous indeed 
with the cushion buckled around my shoulder. 
When about fifty yards from the house I pre- 
pared my musket for action, walking slowly and 
noiselessly, carefully reconnoitering on all sides ; 
but far and wide no living thing was to be seen. 
My fear for my gun had disappeared. I dreamily 


A DEER HUNT. 


81 


pictured the joy of my wife if I were to go home 
with a deer. Thus had I proceeded some two 
hundred yards or more, when a sudden rustling 
was distinctly heard behind some bushes, hardly 
ten yards ahead of me. Terrified, I stood like a 
statue. I saw a powerful buck and his mate jump 
up and make long strides for distant hills. It 
took some time before I got over my fright; and 
by this time the game had put some distance 
between us. I fired, and failed to hit either, as 
I could see them still running. I loaded my 
musket again, not wishing to go home without a 
deer. Ha! What is that? — something kicking 
— a little to one side of me — a pair of legs — yes, 
most assuredly; they are deer legs ! It must 
have been a deer which I had not seen before. 
I ran close up — the legs still continuing to kick 
— I ran around the bush, and- — good God ! 
— before me lay, shot through the head, the calf 
of our only cow — -my wife’s pet, our little Rover! 




























































































































































































































































f 



4 



“MY FIRST ORATION.” 


Would I could speak as some men do ! Would 
I could deliver such orations as at times I have 
heard ! How often have I cherished this desire, 
when, on various occasions, such as festivals, 
baptisms, weddings, etc. , one of my friends would 
be called upon to make a speech. No one ever 
called on me to deliver an address. They well 
knew I couldn’t do it, and I had to be grateful to 
my friends for not exposing me. Then, when 
on these occasion a speaker understood how to 
fascinate, charm and keep spell-bound his hear- 
ers, who, at the end, would exultingly applaud 
him, I would sit decidedly angry — not at the 
speaker — but at myself, because compelled to sit 
there silent like a stupid dunce or simpleton. 

Oh, if only but once I could be applauded and 
admired for making such a speech ! 

Even more powerfully still than on these festive 
occasions what deep emotions I felt, when a 
speaker would make a heart-touching eulogy, 
from the effects of which his hearers would be 
moved to tears i 

Oh, if I could accomplish this, I think I 
would be the happiest man on earth ! 


86 


MY FIRST ORA TION. 


Why couldn’t I accomplish it? I asked myself, 
“Why?” 

A voice seemed to whisper in my ear: “You 
have never tried it.” 

That is true; I have certainly never tried it. 
“Faint heart never won fair lady.” “A strong 
will can accomplish anything.” This and like 
proverbs suggested themselves to my mind, and 
I resolved to exert myself to some purpose and 
achieve success. 

But then, another voice seemed in a malicious 
why to discourage me, saying : “You are too old.” 

“Nonsense!” I answered. “The Swabians 
claim that a man only gets his real sense at the 
age of forty, and I am only in the thirties ; con- 
sequently some years are left me to try in; there- 
fore I must not linger, but commence at once. 

My first speech, however, must be a funeral 
oration ; this was my firm resolve. A eulogy on 
the dead ! But about whom ? It must be either 
a warm friend or a relative, whose death would 
touch my heart ; that would carry me away with 
real insp ; ration and feeling in my plaintive 
lamentations. 

But who f — who should it be ? I marched all 
my acquaintances past my mental vision in single 
file — but none would suit the purpose. Now my 
relatives. Who of them are nearest and dearest? 


MY FIRS 7 ORATION. 


87 


My wife? No, no; my darling little wife shall 
not die yet awhile ; besides, it would not be in 
keeping with the rules of propriety for a hus- 
band to deliver the funeral oration over his wife. 
Who next? Ah, at last I have it! My wife has 
two brothers; both are married and each has a 
darling wife ; of these one must die. 

I seated myself at once at my desk to compose 
a touching and affecting eulogy upon the death 
of my sister-in-law, and, ere long, had worked 
myselt into such excitement on the subject, that 
the tears came to my eyes and ran down my 
cheeks upon the manuscript. In spite of this I 
continued writing. After awhile, I heard a chair 
moving in the adjoining room, where my wife 
was busying herself with some needlework. 
Presently she came to my room. Quick as 
thought, I hid away my manuscript. 

“It seemed as if I heard sighing — you are 
weeping, dear Bob ; what ails you — what have 
you to weep about?” she asked. 

“I weeping? I — pshaw ! Not a bit of it. I 
have a cold, dear wife, a severe cold.” 

“Shall I make you some pepper tea?” 

“What for? I shall soon be all right. To- 
morrow morning my cold will be gone.” 

“But why do you sit by yourself in this room ? 
Come and keep me company.” 


88 


MY FIRST ORA TION. 

“Well, I’ll be with you after awhile.” 

“Confess to me, dear Bob; what have you 
been doing the whole evening in your room !’ ’ 

“To you! for mercy’s sake no — oh — I — I 
thought ” 

“What? What were yon thinking of?” 

“I meant to say — well, a husband ought 
not to tell his wife everything at all times.” 

“Is that it? You have secrets you wish to 
keep from me !” 

“No, dear ; I have not. I was — I was this 
evening engaged in deep study.” 

“May I know the subject of your thoughts?” 

“Well, as you force me to it, I — I was think- 
ing alxmt the time of our first love ; when I first 
saw and became acquainted with you, and — and 
I lived once more through the romance of our 
first love ; and then of onr marriage. And lastly, 
I pictured to myself how handsome you would 
appear in your new dress which you are now 
making, and which you got from me as a birth- 
day present. Yes, I was thinking how beautiful 
you would look !” 

“You are a dear, affectionate hnsband to thirk 
of such things !” said my wife, and leaning for- 
ward she gave me a kiss. “Now, I will not dis- 


MY FIRST ORAT/OJV. 89 

turb you any longer ; I will hurry to finish my 
dress. ’ ’ 

She returned to her room, and I? I could 
have boxed my own ears for having told 
such a falsehood to my darling wife. But the 
truth I could not and would not tell her. I 
wanted to surprise her with my oratorical talent! 
Iyater, when she wonld admire my powers of 
speech. I would confess to her how, on this 
evening, I had so basely deceived her. 

Now again to my manuscript. I kept on 
writing late in the night. My wife had gone to 
bed long hours ago. At last my speech was fin- 
ished. I read the whole over once more, and in 
doing so, almost dissolved in pathetic emotion, 
but took good care not to do any loud sighing. 
My oration was a rhetorical masterpiece, irresist- 
ible. 

Now came the point to commit it to memory. 
For this I had to wait for some day when my wife 
would go out, and I might remain at home alone. 
I wanted to. study aloud, and in the very voice in 
which it was to be delivered. This chance soon 
presented itself. One afternoon, my wife’s 
brothers, with their wives, made a call for the 
purpose of taking her out driving, and I — I re- 
mained alone. I hastily put on my black frock 
coat suit and white vest, holding in my hand my 
stove pipe hat; for without these accompaniments 


90 


MY FIRST ORA TION. 


the committing to memory of my speech was not 
to be thought of. Thus arrayed I placed myself 
in front of the mirror, with the manuscript on a 
small table before me. Then I commenced in 
slow, measured sentences in emotional and 
pathetic tones, as follows: 

“My Respected Ladies and Gentlemen and all 
“ Other Mourners: — It becomes my sad and dis- 
“ agreeable duty to speak in memory of, and to 
“ announce to you the death of our friend and 
“ sister-in-law, Mrs. Caroline Taylor, and com- 
“ mend her to your kind memories. Mrs. Caro- 
“ line Taylor was born a Needle, born on the first 
“ day of April, A. D. 1867. Consequently, died 
“ in the sweetest bloom of youth. When she 
‘ 4 was but eighteen years of age, she became ac- 
“ quainted with her husband, Mr. Michael Tay- 
“ lor, born in San Antonio. This — yes, this is 
“ the gentleman standing next to me here, and 
“who is shedding such heart-rendering tears. 
“ Yes, at San Antonio, they first knew one an- 
“ other. When Taylor, who is my brother-in- 
“ law, owing to the fact, that his sister is my 
“ wife, when he first saw Miss Needle he ex- 
“ claimed: ‘That Needle must be mine!’ and 
“when Miss Needle saw the Taylor, she ex- 
claimed, ‘I must have that Taylor!’ Now, 

‘ ‘ since this decision was of a reciprocal nature, 
“ each one being willing, matters were soon ar- 
“ ranged. They were married in the year 1884^ 


MY FIRST ORATION. 


9i 


“ for which transaction they paid five dollars, the 
“ receipt of which is now in my possession. 
“ They lived happy and joyous, until she — so 
“young — so young and beautiful, and owing to 
“ a distorted liver, had to pass to another — an- 
“ other world. Yes, she — she died of a distorted 
“ liver, and I would, right here, remind my 
“ hearers, that with such a distorted liver, there 
“ can be no fooling nor joking. I have at once 
“ made inquiries for a good antidote against the 
“ disease, and recommend to my respective hear- 
“ ers ‘Tifer’s Liver medicine’ — mornings and 
“ evenings one teaspoonful. Oh! oh! if our 
“ young friend had done this, she would not 
“ have been compelled to lie there in her youth- 
“ ful bloom and beauty.- Oh! oh! how hard it 
‘ ‘ is for a husband to loose such a fair and youth- 
“ ful wife! None of my hearers, indeed, no one 
“ in the whole city, can say that they ever saw 
“ her husband, who stands here next to me, Mr. 
“ Michael Taylor, born in San Antonio, that 
“ they have ever seen him, her husband, running 
‘ ‘ about the world with torn pants or torn off or 
“ lost buttons! And why not? For the simple 
“reason, that his wife, a born Needle, always 
“kept her needle busy and sewed up t all tears 
‘ ‘ and rents. Her love for her husband, to whom 
*“ she was married, I have the certificate in my 
‘ ‘ pocket, her love was so intense that her whole 
“individuality was dissolved into that of her 


92 


MY FIRST ORATION. 


“husband. When at times her husband, Mr. 
“ Micheal Taylor, would come stumbling home 
“ late in the evening, a little fuddled or tipsy, 
“ his wife did not stand at the door to receive 
“ him cursing and swearing. Oh, no! Oh, no! 
“ His wife Caroline, born Needle, never did that 
“ — no, never! She received him with loving 
“ arms, helped him to bed and made him quickly 
“ a strong cup of coffee, which she brought him 
“ with tender hands. The next morning he was 
“ sure to get some delicacy to allay the miserable 
“ and wretched feeling that always follows a 
“ drunk. Oh! Oh! this lovely, now departed 
“wife, Mrs. Caroline Taylor, born Needle, was 


Suddenly a small, white hand was laid upon 
my shoulder. Startled and frightened I turned 
around, and before me stood my wife, who, filled 
with terror, looked at me, and as if scared to 
death, exclaimed : 

“Husband, dear husband, what ails you ?” 

“Nothing ails me, dear wife !” 

“But — but — are you sick ?” 

“I ? No, most assuredly not ! I am as sound 
as a dollar.” 

Oh, come, come dear Bob ; come away from 
that ugly mirror !” 


MY FIRST ORATION . 


93 


“No, no ; just leave me — I want to finish my 
speech !” 

“Oh; God! Dear Bob, come — come!” cried 
my wife with tears in her eyes. 

“No ; just leave me — you go — I will soon be 
through if you will go, and not interrupt me.” 

Wringing her hands, my wife ran frpm me. 

Ha ! Was not that a triumph for me? Un- 
doubtedly she had heard a part of my eulogy, 
maybe the whole of it, without my noticing her, 
and I have fascinated her by the power of my 
speech to such an extent that she shed tears ! 
Ha, what a triumph for my talent as a speaker ! 

With a more exalted feeling I continued in a 
forcible and majestic manner : 

“Yes; this regretted and depaited wife, Mrs. 
“ Caroline Taylor, born Needle, was an example 
“ of ” 

“Brother ! In the name of mercy, what is the 
matter with you?” Thus was I interrupted by 
the two brothers of my wife, while each got hold 
of one of my arms and shook me. 

“Nothing is the matter with me ! Please leave 
me quietly ; I will soon be through and will then 
join you.” 

“No, no; you are ill ! You must go to bed !” 


94 


MY FIRST ORA TION. 


“Such nonsense !” I exclaimed. 

I had to go to bed, and immediately thereafter 
my wife came with a large piece of ice. 

“Quick ! Quick ! Put this on his head !” 
she said, weeping. 

“What do you intend doing with me?” I 
asked. “Do not put that ice on my head ! I 
am not sick at all !” 

But nothing I could say would convince them, 
and while my two brothers-in-law held me fast, 
my wife laid the ice on my head. 

“Oh, how cold !” 

At first I could not conceive what the three 
really intended doing with me. Then, all at 
once, a thought struck me. My wife had heard 
my oration, it had aroused her sensitive faculties, 
that even at this time, bright tears ran down her 
cheeks and in consequence, while she feared, that 
I, by the force of my own discourse would get 
too excited, she wanted to prevent me from con- 
tinuing. Since she could not accomplish this by 
herself, she had called her two brothers to assist 
her. Yes, yes — that was it. 

“Well, now will you stop your nonsense at 
last !” I said to them; “nothing ails me, neither 
am I sick. If you will take that ice from my 
head I’ll promise you to remain here in bed quiet 
and tranquil.” 


MY FIRST ORA TION. 


95 


After the three had gone through some tel- 
egraphic signals and arrived at an understand- 
ing, they took the ice off 'my head. 

“There; that is real good of you ! Now con- 
fess, what wa^ your intention ? Well, out with 
it ! Why did you put me to bed ?” 

“Because ” said my wife. 

“Because we ” said my brothers-in-law. 

“Well — out with it! Well, I wiil tell you. 
Because you have heard my fine oration ! Ha, 
is it not so ?” 

“YeS,” answered my wife. 

“Yes, on that account,” said my brother-in- 
law. * 

“Yes,” continued one of them, “how can you 
hold such a discourse— a funeral oration — in 
memory of my wife, who is not dead, but, on the 
contrary, quite healthy and hearty?” 

“No — no, brother, don’t get angry on that ac- 
count. Well, since you all know the whole of 
it, I will tell you the balance — will tell you the 
whole truth. 

“Look! I always was mad or angry with my- 
self whenever I heard a good speaker, because I 
could not deliver or hold people spell-bound by 
an oration. Such thought pursued me continu- 
ally, until at last I resolved to try it once. My 


g6 


MY FIRST ORA TION. 


first discourse should be a eulogy at a grave. 
Now, since this should be really emotional, 
pathetic and affecting, -I had to let some one die, 
who was near and dear to me. Thus it came 
that I took your wife, and was trying to commit 
my speech to memory.” 1 

“Great goodness, is that true?” cried my wife. 

“As true as I am lying here.” 

“And you are not — ” exclaimed my brother- 
in-law. 

“What?” I asked. 

“We thought — we believed — ” cried the other 
one. 

“What — what did you believe?” I asked, rais- 
ing myself up and looking with astonishment 
into the three now confused and perplexed faces. 
“What did you believe?” 

“Oh, dear husband,” said my wife, Smiling 
and with tears in her eyes, “we have — Oh, 
Heavens — ” 

In one voice exclaimed my brothers-in-law: — 

“We thought you had lost your reason!” 





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2 IK • I fei ••• ■■ JmSk 











































Out Most Unlucky lay on the Fatm 




“Our Most Unlucky Day on 
the Farm.” 

“Git — git up, go along now ! You old brown 
heifer; I’ll tan your hide for you if don’t go — git! 
It is truly the greatest plague on earth to manage 
such a herd of cattle ! True, there are not many 
of them, only sixteen all told, eight cows and as 
many calves, which I have to drive to water, but 
— it is hard work for me. It had not rained for 
some months, our well and cistern on the farm 
had in consequence become dry, and hence I was 
compelled to drive our milk cows day after day 
to water. But stop — what do I say: water? It 
is too nice an expression. ‘Swamp’ or ‘mud- 
hole’ fits better; hence mudhole it is. This was 

t 

three miles away from our farm. Oh, this 
miserable mudhole ! If I only think of it a 
shuddering feeling of disgust overcomes me. 
Each day, before I start with my stock, I form 
the resolution to be cool and not despair. I 
mount my horse with the bravest of intentions 
and start my stock from the farm towards the 
water. Everything would go all right enough, 
yes if— --if only my active ima'gination would not 
play me tricks; but there is the mischief. I see, 


102 • Ov*r Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 

mentally, one or two ot my cows sunk down in 
the mud; they sink deeper and deeper — I run in 
utter despair along the border of the water, or 
rather mudhole — no human being near to help 
me — the cows will be hopelessly lost — then all 
at once a feeling comes over me in that part of 
the body where the heart is supposed to be lo- 
cated, a feeling of sheer despair. 

Thus it goes eve r,y day. Yet things might go 
better if the stock would display a little sense. 
If they would go to the water quietly and with a 
little prudence ; if one would stand close to the 
other, they would all have room and could drink 
with comfort without punching and pushing 
one another in that wretched old swamp which 
lies several feet deep on each side of the water 
hole. But the silly brutes are too stupid for 
that ; as soon as they come near the water the 
row begins. The foremost of the cows stick up 
their tails in the air and at full gallop they run 
to the water ; and, it is but natural that those 
following in the rear should assume the same 
speed. I may scream or shriek, or use pleasant 
words, it is all the same. Then I have to go at 
full speed' — now here, now there, right or left — 
in order to keep my animals in the road and to 
prevent, if possible, any of them getting lost in 
the mud. But I .must confess that I am not 
always successful in this, and only last week it 


Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 103 

happened that one of our best milk cows got 
bogged. The cow had already sunk down into 
the mire up to her body, and I had given up all 
hope of rescue when, lucidly, a farmer with a 
double team came along and assisted me in pull- 
ing the animal out of the mire by throwing a 
noose over her horns and attaching the other end 
of the rope to the double-tree which he undid 
from his wagon and left fastened to the traces of 
his horses ; then whipping up the team, he 
dragged the half suffocated cow to firm ground. 
The poor creature, upon regaining her feet, 
looked at us in mute thankfulness. I handed 
the farmer all the nfoney I had with me,, which 
was two dollars, a gift of pure and deep-felt 
gratitude. From that day I always carry two 
dollars to help ward off the evil genius that 
seems ever to pursue me. 

* ‘Hello — who is that coming "along the road 
on horseback? Ah — that is my neighbor Smith. 
My usual luck; that satirical mocker and jeering 
scorner is bound to meet me. I can even now 
imagine what he will hail me with. But I 
will not pay any attention to him. When he is 
near enough, I’ll look to the other side and sing. 
He shall not notice that I am angry about his 
foolish and mocking remarks. — £ Old Grimes is 
dead , that good, that good old man. I wish I was 
in Dixie , Dix ” Oh, that wretch! How his 


104 Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 

punning and jesting always makes me angry. 
There, he passed me again very close, and — and 
what did he say? “Good morning, neighbor, 
how goes it? — how is the mare?” and then he 
passed on laughing. Oh, that infamous wretch! 
If he was not so strong I’d give him a good 
thrashing. Although, in other respects, he is a 
really good neighbor, and has often, when I was 
in a dilemma with some of my farm work, given 
me good advice, practically and theoretically; and 
his wife is held in great esteem by my wife, who 
has often assured me that Mrs. Smith was a sim- 
ple-minded but estimable and pleasant lady. I 
must say here that I really have no great objec- 
tions to the man. I would not desire a better 
neighbor; if — yes, if — if he would only stop his 
cutting remarks. I had, to tell the truth, some 
bad luck, though it was not my own fault, and 
I acknowledge it — but to anyone mistakes may 
happen. 

Here is how the matter stands: 

L,ast year, after we moved to the farm, I had 
bought me a saddle horse. It was a mare, a fine 
and gentle animal. My wife, who is a fine 
equestrian, praised the horse very much, and we 
were as jolly as children about her. We would 
often feed her with lumps of sugar, and she would 
follow us like a dog, which gave us a great deal 
of pleasure. I had owned her about five months. 


Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm . 105 

when she fell sick. When I was compelled to 
ride, she would not run any more and when I 
took the saddle off, she would lie down panting 
and gasping. I did not ride the mare any more, 
but let her run loose. We then went every hour 
in the day to see how our poor horse was and 
always found her lying down. When we helped 
her up, she would walk a few steps and again go 
down panting. Things went thus for several 
days, until at last my wife remarked that she 
could not see the poor horse in pain any longer, 
and with heavy heart and tearful eyes, we con- 
cluded to end her sufferings by shooting her. 
Now, while I was loading the gun, my wife 
filled her ears with cotton in order not to hear 
the shot, seated herself in a corner of the house 
and wept bitterly. The tears even ran down my 
cheeks. I went outside. The poor suffering 
animal lay on the ground, groaning terribly. 
Two, three times I pointed the muzzle of my gun 
to the ear of the poor beast, and drew it back. 
The fourth time I pulled the trigger. A loud 
report — and our dear saddle horse was dead. 
About ten minutes later, while I was still stand- 
ing by my dead horse, came, accidently, Mr. 
Smith. 

“Neighbor, what have you been shooting?’ ’ 
he asked me. 

“I have been compelled to kill my poor saddle 
horse.” 


106 Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 

“But why,” he asked; “what ailed her?” 

“What ailed her? I do not know,” I answered 
him, and I related the sufferings of the poor ani- 
mal. 

He viewed, examined and touched the dead 
animal knowingly. 

“Neighbor,” said he, “you would have shown 
more sense if you had remained in the city. You 
may be smart and educated in other things, but 
you are not good at all for a farmer. Such a 
stupid, foolish act as you committed here was 
never known to me in my whole life. ’ ’ 

“Mr. — Mr. Smith — you dare.” 

“Well, be quiet; you need not get in a passion. 
I am not afraid of you anyway, but I will show 
you and prove it to you, and you will have to 
admit that I am right.” 

“Yes — good — do it! you — you ” 

“Well, don’t get mad;” with these words he 
pulled a large knife out of his pocket and worked 
around the dead animal. A few minutes later 
he showed to me — a fine , full grown colt . 

My God, how wretched, shamefaced, without 
power of speech, did I stand there! — What en- 
joyment and pleasure would my wife and myself 
have had over the young colt! — 


Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 107 

Ha! — the foremost of the cows are already rais- 
ing their heads and pricking up their ears. 
Really we are near the water. Oh, don’t run 
again? That is righ, old gal, remain in the road. 
Woah? — slow — woah! What are you doing 
there? That is —woah, there — they run again 
as if possesed by a demon. Woah — will you 
remain in the road? But what is that? Ah, 
some one is camping near the water! I saw a 
wagon and two horses, and a man sitting in the 
shadow of a tree. Ah, thank God, how much 
lighter my heart feels. I’ll have help in case 
one of m3' cows get stuck in the mud. Woah, 
Lize, not so far to the right — woah — woah, Lize, 
come this way or you will bog; woah — woah, 
Lize — there, she is already in the mud. Lize! 
Oh my! Lize, come this way — come, Lize! — 
Great Scott, she is already fast in the mud! 

I turned my horse around and galloped to the 
man under the tree. 

“Mr., Mr., will you help me, my old Lize is 
in the mud and can’t get out? 

“Of whom do you speak?” asked the man. 

“Of my old Lize, our best milk cow.” 

“Of a cow! — what nonsense. You ought to be 
ashamed to give a girl’s name to an old cow.” 

“Yes, yes — I will never do it again. Please 
come with me or the poor animal will be lost. 
I’ll give you two dollars if you will help me.” 


108 Our Most Unlucky Day on the barm. 

“Two dollars?” 

“Yes.” 

“All right; they will be easily earned. But 
wait — to insure success I will take a rope along.”' 

In a little time we were at the cursed water 
hole, and there I saw my poor cow had sunk to 
her body into the mud. 

The man fixed his rope and threw it over the 
horns of the cow, tighened it and said to me: 
“Now help me pull.” 

I took a good hold and pulled with all my 
might, to that extent that everything turned 
black before me. 

“Why don’t you pull!” cried the farmer 

“I am pulling with all my might,” I ex- 
claimed. 

“Yes? Well, I could have thought so — a 
thing like you ! What do you want on a farm, 
anyhow, with your delicate white baby hands ? 
I would bet right now that you could not pull 
the rope alone out of the mud. I guess I will 
have to get my horses, — but what’s that? Do 
you see that tree on the edge of the marsh, and 
a knotty root of that tree running along under 
the mud and again coming to the surface further 
on ? That is the cause of the cow’s being stuck 
and unable to move! Yes, that’s it, and con- 


Our Most Unlucky Day on the barm. 109 

sequeutly we can’t yet pull the cow out. We 
will have first to cut out that knotty root. Go 
and get an ax, quick !” 

“An ax ! Where shall I find an ax ?” 

“Why, ride over to the nearest farm and bor- 
row one.” 

“But there is no one living near here.” 

“Well, then ride home and get one. How far 
do you live, an>way?” 

“Three miles.” 

“Of course that is quite a distance, but an ax 
we must have if we want to save the cow, and 
therefore ride home as fast as you can. In the 
meantime I will bring my horses here.” 

I sprang into the saddle and at full gallop 
went in the direction of my home. Luckily, I 
had a good and fast horse, and I was by this 
time a much better rider and sat in the saddle 
more firmly than last year, when one of my 
friends claimed, jestingly, that between my body 
and the back of my horse, an extensive country 
view could be had, which assertion must cer- 
tainly have been an exaggeration. 

As I have said, my horse was good ; but he 
had one fault. Whenever I met a team, or a 
person on horseback, he would insist upon 
stopping. I have since ascertained how it 


no Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 

acquired this defective habit. It had belonged 
to a man, who was a great talker and whenever 
he happened to meet a rider or a teamster, he 
would stop him and have a talk ; and thus this 
bad habit had grown upon the horse. Now, 
when X wanted to pass a team, it required kick- 
ing, scolding and the free use of the whip to 
keep him agoing. I had to ride about two miles 
on the open public road, to a place, whence a 
narrow lane led to my farm. I had got over the 
longest part of the distance and was congratulat- 
ing myself at not having met anyone, when, 
coming to a bend in the road, I saw ahead of me 
a covered farmer-wagon going in the same direc- 
tion as myself. When I was close to the wagon 
I noticed several heads of children looking from 
under the canvas scrutinizing me with inquis- 
itive looks. Now came the time to keep my 
horse agoing. I kicked and went through all’ 
kinds of motions with hands and feet. I bawled 
and yelled — and it worked splendidly. In a 
rousing gallop I went past the wagon. I saw 
how the horses, which were hitched to it, were 
throwing up their heads and pricking their ears, 
but I kept on, when all at once, I heard a noise 
like thunder— a male voice using words more 
forcible than polite, I looked back — great Scott ! 
— there came the team in a furious mad run 
behind me ! I noticed how the man, who had 
the reins hung on the front part of the wagon 


Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm, hi 

body, grasped them ; one of them however 
dropped. He pulled on the other, and by this 
action caused the horses to make a short turn and 
— the wagon capsized. In amazement and terror 
I pulled my horse around and ran to the spot 
where the disaster had occurred and where it 
sounded as if a double quartett of children’s 
voices was being screaming. The man had 
already got out and stood by his trembling 
horses. Seeing that the little ones tried to get 
out of the back of the wagon, I ran there and 
helped some of them out ; but, as there appeared 
to be no end to them, I counted one , two , tforee , 
four. Jive, six — six were out of the wagon," and 
now I lifted the seventh — now the eighth — oh, 
ye gods ! — nine, ten, and — then the woman in 
the wagon gave me the smallest — consequently 
eleven children ! Just like organ pipes they 
stood about in a row before me — not a single one 
was injured by the upsetting. With the most 
superlative feeling of joy in my heart, that every- 
thing had turned out well and without physical 
injury to the occupants, I hugged the smallest 
one, whom I held on my arm, and gave him a 
kiss ; but this little Texan seemed to take my 
friendly demonstration for an insult, — and 
screamed with all his might. 

“Will you let my child alone, you impudent 
barefaced scoundrel!” cried the woman, “you 


1 12 Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 

was the cause of our wagon capsizing and now 
you want to squeeze my child to death !” 

“But, my dear lady, I ” 

‘ ‘ I am not your dear lady — do you know that ! 
You — you give me my child ! My husband will 
show you what ” 

“Stop your fussing, back there !” exclaimed 
the man. “Jake, come and hold the horses and 
I will see to right the wagon. You have played 
me a dirty, base kind of a trick,” said the man 
to me, “and I ought to give you a thorough 
thrashing !” 

“I ? — but my dear sir, it is not my fault that 
the ” 

“What, it is not your fault? With your vil- 
lainous screaming and racing you scared my 
horses; you — you know that !” 

Hence I was the cause of the whole mishap. 
After due reflection, I concluded, that the man 
was right after all. What might have been the 
consequence of all this ! With the greatest feel- 
ing of gratitude from the bottom of my heart, I 
send up a mental thanksgiving to the Creator, 
that our mishap had turned out no worse than it 
did. 

“What in the d — l’s name are you standing 
there with open mouth for!” the man vociferated; 


Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 113 

“come and help me to right the wagon ! Here, 
here you get hold and when I count three you 
lift. Ready — one, two, thr-e-e. Get away from 
my wagon, you city dude ! To scare horses and 
capsize my wagon is all you are good for. But 
when it conies to show your strength — you could 
not lift a sleeve button from the ground. Go to 
the horses and tell Jake to come here. He is 
only twelve years old, but three times as strong 
as you are !” 

How insulting and unjust this man was. It is 
not my fault, that I do not possess a giant’s 
strength. I had used all my physical vigor and 
force to help, yet the wagon lay on the ground 
as if nailed or rivited there. But, to prevent the 
man from getting more angry with me, I ran to 
the horses. He placed his wife and children, 
he cried: “one! — two! — thre-e-!” and, sure 
enough, the wagon was on its wheels; and the 
best thing about it was that there was nothing 
broken. In the fulness of my joy I gave to one 
of the little girls my two dollars. 

The man, who had seen this, asked the child 
what she had received. 

“Two dollars, papa.” 

“Hand it here, ” he said, “I will keep it for 
you.” 

With sad and depressed countenance the child 
saw the two dollars disappear in her father’s 


1 14 Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 

pocket, and then — then something took place 
which astonished me. The man and his wife 
cut the most grinning and smiling faces at me 
which they could muster. He began telling me 
that he had taken his family to town to have 
them see the “circus procession,” and they had 
enjoyed it hugely, especially all the foreign 
animals 

At the word “animals” a chill came over me, 
as I remembered my cow in the mud hole. I 
took short leave, jumped in the saddle and 
started again in a gallop, soon turning in the 
narrow lane which led to my farm. 

This lane described a semi-circle around a little 
creek not far from my house. I took the short 
road direct across the prairie and intended, as I 
had often done before, to jump the creek, which 
was only about four feet wide. I never dreamed 
that I should meet with disaster and misfortune, 
but that day I was pursued by ill fate. I pushed 
my horse to its utmost physicial capacity, and 
when coming near the creek, I leaned forward to 
give him more ease in jumping, but — but there he 
.stopped suddenly, as if nailed to the ground, and 
I— I flew over his head into the creek. I re- 
covered myself quickly, but, at the same time, 
my horse flew past me and all shouting and yel- 
ling did no good — on he went. 


Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 115 

My God, what crime had I committed, that I 
should be thus pursued by disaster and misfor- 
tune! Was there in the whole world a more un- 
lucky man than myself? I felt as if every bone in 
my body was broken, and yet, I must go home 
for an ax. I ran as fast as I could, but, some- 
thing was running down my face. I felt with 
my hand — it was blood. Blood on my fingers — 
blood! Great Scott, how my face is burning and 
smarting! How weak I am getting! I was com- 
pelled to sit down, and there — I am ashamed to 
acknowledge it — there I wept like a child. 
But I must go home to get an ax, otherwise my 
good old cow Lize will die a miserable death. I 
managed to summon all my remaining courage 
and dried my tears, because it makes a bad im- 
pression on a wife, if the husband comes home 
weeping. But the blood marks were left on my 
face; I wanted my wife to see, how much misfor- 
tune I had had. Then, when she would wash 
my face, press my head to her bosom and affec- 
tionately say: “My darling husband, how sorry 
am I that you have had to suffer so !” Such ex- 
pressions would prove alleviating and sympa- 
thetic, and surely I deserved them ! I continued 
running towards the house and was but a short 
distance away, when our servant girl come run- 
ning to meet me. 

“Come, quick ! Your wife has fallen down 
stairs and cannot rise.” 


n6 Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 

I stood as if paralyzed. 

“Come quick, sir; for God’s sake come quick! 
Your wife is still living, but who knows — 1 — ” 

I now started frantically for the house and 
there — there my darling little wife was lying at 
•the foot of the stairs. 

“Not that way, husband darling ; do not catch 
hold of me in that abrupt manner!” she said. 
“All the limbs of my body are in pain — but I 
guess if is nothing serious — but — but what ails 
you ? Your face is bleeding !” 

“Oh, that is nothing. I fell off of the horse 
and scratched my .skin a little. But you — what 
ails you ?” 

“Oh, nothing much; I was a little careless and 
fell down stairs, and lizzie, instead of helping 
me, began to scream and ran off. I tried to get 
up but could not. I cannot stand on my right 
foot. I think it is broken or sprained. Now if 
you will please take me to bed, L,izzie will help 
— there — that is the right way ; it isn’t so bad 
after all, and in a few days I will be on my feet 
again. L,izzie, you can get me some fresh water 
and a towel to put cold applications on my feet. 
And y^u, husband dear, ride to town for a doc- 
tor.” 

Doctor ! My wife wants a doctor? — great 
Scott ! — it must be bad sure enough. Dike 


Our Most Unlucky Day on the Farm. 117 

lightning it went through my head, how she had 
said at one time : 

“That one foot would have to be in the grave 
before she would have a doctor.” And now — 
now she wants a doctor ! This was too much 
for me. 

What followed then, or what I did, I do not 
know; I only have the statements of my wife and 
Mr. Smith, my former neighbor. 

Mr. Smith told me afterwards that he was on 
his way home when I came running past him, 
about a mile from my house, on foot, hatless, 
with flying hair, bloody face and a perfect picture 
of terror. Frightened at my looks, he had called 
to me, but I did not answer him. He then had 
followed me and when he found I would not 
stop, he rode ahead a pace, got off his horse and 
caught me. Only after a great deal of shaking * 
I had answered to his numerous questions as to 
what had happened in monosyllables such as : 

“ Wife fallen down stairs F • “ cow in mud hole," 
“fallen off of horse," “ wagon capsized," “ get 
doctor!" He then had made me mount his 
horse, had given me his hat, and also his hand- 
kerchief to wipe the blood from my face, and I 
had then started for town. He himself had gone 
home, saddled another horse, and taken his wife 
along with him on the same horse and they had 
gone as fast as they could to my house. His 


n8 Our Most Unlucky Day on the barm . 

wife remained there, and, as he could not be of 
any assistance, he rode to the water hole and 
aided by the other man, got my cow out of the 
mud and drove my stock back to the farm. He 
also captured my runaway horse. 

And I? — well, the sharp ride brought me to 
my senses. I wiped the blood from my face and 
also found the doctor, who hitched up at once 
and came with me. 

Two weeks after my darling wife, just as she 
had said, could walk about the house again. 


Since then, years have passed. Long since we 
have moved to the city and never, when Mr. 
Smith and his wife visit the city, do they fail to 
pay us a visit ; it is unnecessary to say that we 
* are the warmest and best of friends. 

Well, I am glad that we are in the city again, 
for I really was not fit for a farmer’s life. 

New scenes, new experiences force themselves 
upon us and drive older ones into the back- 
ground; thus they are gradually forgotten. Only 
one thing we will never forget, and that is: 
“ Our most unlucky day on the farm." 


















































































































































































































































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“The Tariff Question.” 


San Antonio, August, 1888. 

Mr. Editor: 

Since you want to know all about that speech 
I delivered last week on the tariff question and 
what induced me to do so, and how knavishly I 
was sent home, I write you an account in full. 

One morning, last month, I went down town 
to the postoffice to get my mail. I was stopped 
on the way by Mr. Nelson, a prominent wool 
dealer. 

“Mr. Greenfellow, you can do us a great 
favor,” he said. 

“Well, what is it ?” 

“You know, Mr. Greenfellow, we have an elec- 
tion in November, and you also know that 
Cleveland is down on the wool growers. Now, 
we, the wool men, have to do something to de- 
fend our interests, and consequently had a. meet- 
ing last night. We resolved to call a meeting 
of all citizens irrespective of party and tell them 
all about our grievances, and we will now ask 
you to deliver an address in our behalf on that 


occasion. 


124 


THE TARIFF QUESTION. 


“All right, sir; how much ” 

“Well, Mr. Greenfellow, there is one thing I’ll 
have to tell you. We have no money just now, 
but we have only discussed and considered the 
matter, and how will it do if we put you up as 
our candidate for Congress?” 

“Me — for Congress ? Oh, h’m — for Congress! 
I think that will do; I will speak in your be- 
half.” 

“That is right, Mr. Greenfellow; if you help 
us, we, the wool men, will help you.” 

“Agreed, sir; I am your man. When is that 
meeting to take place?” 

“If it is convenient to you, suppose we say 
next Tuesday evening at the City Hall?” 

“All right, sir; I will be there.” 

“But don’t forget to give it to them.” 

“Give what, to w T hom?” 

“Well, of course, to Cleveland. We wish you 
would go for him in good, red hot style. He is 
down on us and we want to show him that we 
are down on him also.” 

“That’s right — splendid. I understand. Don’t 
be afraid — we will make that fellow waltz out of 
the White House, and the wool men will furnish 
the music for the occasion.” 


THE 7 A RIFF QUESTION. 


125 


“I see you understand us. Well then, until 
next week. Good morning, Colonel.” 

“Good morning, Mr. Nelson.” 

He went away and I returned home. 

“Old woman,” I exclaimed to my wife, “for- 
tune seems smiling upon us.” 

“In what way?” she asked. 

“Sit down and listen: When I went down 
town this morning, whom do you think I met? 
Mr. Nelson, that rich wool dealer, and another 
gentleman in a carriage. As soon as they recog- 
nized me, they had the driver stop and calling 
me to the carriage, Mr. Nelson said: ‘ Colonel 
Greenfellow — yes, ma’m, Colonel he said— we 
were just on the way to your house to see you 
on very important business. You would do us 
a favor to get fn the carriage at once and go with 
us to the opera house; there we will inform you 
what we want.’ ” 

[Mister Editor, this was not within the strict limits of 
truth, but, I tell you, no married man can tell his wife 
often enough what an important and smart man she has 
for a husband.] 

“Well, we went to the opera house. There 
they told me that a meeting of wool men was in 
progress, and a committee of two appointed to 
wait upon me, requested that I would deliver an 
address to an assembly of citizens on the tariff 


126 THE TARIFF QUESTION. 

question. Well, I promised to speak next 
week.” 

“How much do you get for it?” asked my 
wife. 

“How much? What do you mean by that?” 

“Well how much money will you get for that 
speech?” 

“Now, was ever such a thing heard to come 
from the lips of a sensible woman? I work for 
honor , I work for glory, madam!” 

“Yes, but with honor and glory we can’t buy 
a loaf of bread, nor a pound of meat; and here, 
look at my shoes, with that big hole — and here 


“Stop! old woman, for heaven’s sake, stop! 
You always make me miserable and nervous, 
when you get your talking apparatus running. 
Why — why in the name of Nathan and Jonathan 
don’t you go to Salomon Itzig’s store and get a 
pair of shoes?!” 

“What, that hook-nosed skinflint? You know 
very well he would not credit me ! Why he told 
me only last week : ‘If you don’t settle ’ ” 

“Stop, stop — please stop ! Now, I’ll tell you. 
I'll get even with that Jew some day; just wait 
until I get that office.” 


“What office?” 


THE TARIFF QUESTION. 


127 


“Well, you didn’t let me finish. Those sheep- 
men have no money right now, but they will 
send me to congress — yes, ma’m ! Do you know 
what that office is worth a year ? Five thousand 
dollars ! — yes ma’m.” When I am a member of 
congress you can have all the shoes and silk 
dresses you want and a silver mounted bustle 
thrown in.” 

“And you will get that office?” 

“Most assuredly I will. We have nothing to 
do but to get that present administration out of 
office and our party, the republicans, will take 
possession. That is an easy thing. Cleveland 
has to go.” 

“Cleveland? — why, how is that? Didn’t you 
tell me that Cleveland was the best President 
we ever had ?” 

“Stop, for heaven’s sake, stop ! Woman, you 
will'ruin me ! Let nobody hear such a thing. 
If I ever did say it, it was my private opinion. 
Don’t let anyone hear about that, or your silk 
dresses and bustles will be like castles in the 
air.” 

“You needn’t be alarmed on my account.” 

“Then please keep quiet and do not disturb 
me any more. I will now prepare my speech.” 


128 


THE TARIFF QUESTION. 


Well, on Tuesday, the day that meeting was 
to be held, I was ready. I knew my speech so 
well that I could say it with closed eyes. Before 
going, I had a grand rehearsal before my old 
woman. When I was through I asked her : 
“Is not this a grand speech ? Did you ever hear 
anything like it ? Cannot every child under- 
stand from my arguments that free trade would 
ruin this country? Tell me — are not my argu- 
ments, my composition and the wording of my 
speech a masterpiece of rhetoric and ideas ? Is 
it not most grand and in red hot style, knocking 
Cleveland and the democratic party into oblivion? 
Ah, I see you are smiling — I know what you will 
say, my dear Susie! Tell me?” 

“Well, I don’t understand anything about 
your tariff humbug.” 

“What — tariff humbug?” Great Scott! I never 
knew that I had such an ignorant wife ! Her 
remarks tariff humbug" surprised me not a 
little. 

“Madam !” I answered with indignant feeling, 
“it is of no use to speak to you of scientific prin- 
ciples and political economy; you would not un- 
derstand it. But I tell you, when I come home 
to-night from that meeting, loaded with honors 
and a wreath of laurels on my brow; when city 
and country papers publish my speech, and the 
whole population applaud and speak in laudi- - 


THE TARIFF QUESTION. 


129 


tory (?) terms of my oration — then you will find 
out what a smart and highly esteemed husband 
you have. Good-bye!” 

I went to the city hall. There were about two 
hundred good citizens present. They elected a 
chairman, a secretary and a number of seigeants- 
at-arms, after which the chairman rose and said: 

“Gentlemen : Thanking you for the honor of 
electing me as the presiding officer of this body, 
I, as such, also assume the- pleasant duty of in- 
troducing to the assembly here, our great repub- 
lican orator, the Hon. Bob Greenfellow, who 
will address you this evening on the question of 
the tariff in connection with, and its relation to, 
our home industry — wool !” 

Now, Mr. Editor, I must say that at that mo- 
ment, with a feeling of intense joy, my heart 
beat like a sledge hammer, almost bursting its 
arterial surroundings. But I got all right as 
soon as I commenced speaking. I put my right 
foot a little forward, the thumb of my left hand 
in a button-hole of my coat and commenced : 

“Gentlemen ! I consider it a great honor to 
speak to an assembly of such distinguished cit- 
izens and gentlemen as I see before me; com- 
posed, ?s this gathering is, of the bone and sinew 
and intellect of this city and neighborhood. As 
the honorable chairman said to you, my address 
this evening will be exclusively devoted to the 


130 


THE TARIFF QUESTION . 


subject of our home industry, that is — ‘wool/ 
The one great wish now uppermost in my mind 
is : Would that Cleveland could be here, in this 
hall, that he might listen to what will be said 
here to-night ; and, I stake a five-dollar hat that 
he would go home with tears in his eyes ex- 
claiming : ‘Oh, oh, what a great calamity have 
I tried to bring over my beloved country !’ But 
as he is not here, I hope he will have a chance 
to read my address from the public press. Gen- 
tlemen ! What does a free tariff mean ? It 
means ruin to our home product, wool! It means 
ruin to our poor sheep raisers ! That is what a 
free tariff means ! You ruin the sheep raiser, 
and ycu ruin thousands of families employed by 
him. Oh, those democrats will say: ‘We want 
free trade, and are in favor of it, because it will 
cheapen our necessaries of life. I am not a 
worshipper of false gods, but gentlemen, I will 
say I don’t want cheap goods ! Take, for in- 
stance, this suit which I am wearing to-night. 
I paid thirty dollars for it. Those democrats will 
say, ‘if wool was free you could buy the suit for 
fifteen or sixteen dollars.’ But, gentleman, I 
don’t want that. I would sooner pay twelve or 
fifteen dollars more, and know that our factories 

flourished and that ” 

“Misch ter Chairman:” With this ejaculation 
I was interrupted in my speaking. I saw a man 
jumping to his feet and — by the powers, it was 


THE TARIFF QUESTION. 


131 

that mean Jew, Solomon Itzig. “Mischter 
Chairman, dot man ish making trouble und hum- 
bug mit you, shentlemen ! He never buy dem 
close; he loan it from me, and ” 

“Silence!” said the chairman. 

“Mischter Chairman, I only want to speak, for 
to tell you, he loaned that clothes suit three 
months on time and promise me ” 

“Silence, Mr. Solomon Itzig !” cried the chair- 
man; “you have no right to interrupt the 
speaker. ’ ’ 

“Mischter Chairman, I only want to speak ; 
he said he would bring them clothes back or 
come mit de money. He didn’t go and do it, 
never, he — ” 

“Silence, Mr. Itzig! If you don’t quit talking 
I shall be compelled to have you expelled from 
this hall.” 

“Mischter Chairman, I only wants to say he 
never pay one dime on all dem tings and der suit 
belongs mit me — dat humbug man — ” 

“Sergeant, do your duty!” exclaimed the 
chairman. 

“No, Mischter Sergeant, let me sit down; I 
be’s quiet as one baby.” 

“Well, Sergeant,” said the chairman, “if the 
gentleman promises to be quiet, let him remain. 
Go on, Mr. Greenfellow !” 


i3 2 


THE TARIFF QUESTION . 


“Gentlemen!” I continued, “gentlemen — I 
will — I will now — I — I showed — I — you— that 
Jew — gentlemen, I have — that is I — gentlemen, 
will you excuse me for this evening. Iam un- 
able to finish my address. Please excuse me.” 

Well, I dropped right back in my chair. I 
was gone. I had got so excited that I had for- 
gotten all about my address. And all on ac- 
count of that mean Jew. I never expected that 
he would come into any political meeting. Well, 
as soon as I sat down the whole assembled crowd 
commenced hurrahing, laughing and shouting 
in a most satirical manner for ten minutes or 
longer. After that, they called for Mr. Mason 
as the next orator. When that gentleman came 
up to the platform, I took my hat — I wanted to 
go home. 

“Mr. Greenfellow, may I ask you the favor to 
remain here ? I would like to ask some ques- 
tions,” said Mason. 

“Certainly; most assuredly! If I can enlighten 
you on the subject I will do so with pleasure,” 
said I. But I tell you, Mr. Editor, had I known 
what he wanted to ask me, or how I was to be 
sent home by this crowd, not ten horses could 
have kept me there. 

“May I ask you, Mr. Greenfellow, were you 
ever engaged in sheep-raising ?” 

“No, sir!” 


THE TARIFF QUESTION . 


133 


“Well, Mr. Greenfellow, were you ever on a 
sheep ranch ? Did you ever see how a sheep 
ranch is. managed and what kind of people they 
employ ?” 

“Well, ye — I — no!" 

“Just what I expected. Gentlemen, can you 
understand how a man, who never saw a sheep 
ranch, who don’t know anything about wool and 
its raising, can come here before you and tell 
you all about it! Mr. Greenfellow tells you that 
free wool would ruin thousands of families em- 
ployed by the wool men. Gentlemen, I never 
before heard such nonsense. Every child in 
Texas knows that they, the sheep-raisers, em- 
ploy the cheapest work hands they can get, and 
that is the Mexican peon. They pay them from 
six to ten dollars a month and give them just 
enough corn meal and dried meat to keep them 
alive. This is the sort of men they employ. Mr. 
Greenfellow, if you know any sheep-raiser in the 
whole State of Texas, who employs the head of 
a family and gives him enough pay to support his 
family, bring him here— yes bring him here, and 
we will send him to Barnum’s museum as a curi- 
osity. ’ ’ • 

“Hurrah! hurrah!” shouted the whole crowd. 
“That is the truth! Hurrah for Mason! Hur- 
rah for Cleveland! Hurrah! — hurrah!” 


T 34 


THE TARIFF QUESTION. 


Well, Mr. Editor, I never did hear such a 
shouting and noise in all my life. It was deaf- 
ening. It was an outrage. I saw I was sold 
and considered it the best policy under the cir- 
cumstances to leave. I tried to do it, but 
the crowd yelled and shouted: “Sit down — sit 
down, sir! You can’t leave this hall. We have 
heard you talk, now you have to listen to Mr. 
Mason! Sit down! Hurrah! Sit down!” 

Mr. Editor, what could I do? I had to stay 
right there; so I took my seat. 

The chairman called the crowd to order and 
Mason went on: 

“Gentlemen, Mr. Greenfellow says to you 
that ’ ’ 

Editor — Mr. Editor — a brilliant idea struck 
me, at least I thought it was a good plan to get 
away from that hall. I jumped to my feet and 
whispered something into the ears of the chair- 
man. He got up and said to the meeting: 
“Gentlemen, Mr. Greenfellow tells me that he 
is ill and is compelled to leave at once. Now, 
gentlemen, this being the case, it would not be 
right to demand of him to stay here. Sergeant, 
show this gentleman out!” 

I got off the platform. The sergeant-at-arms 
took hpld of me and led me out. Well, he did 
lead me out. He gave me a push, sufficiently 


THE TARIFF QUESTION. 


i35 


strong to make me alight in the arms of another 
sergeant, and that fellow repeated the operation 
and I flew into the arms of a third one. 

“Don’t tear dem close, for jeminy sakes; don’t 
spoils ter suits — dem is mine!’’ I heard uttered 
by that miserable Jew. 

Well, I reached the door. There, two fellows 
took hold of me, and with a shove I landed 
into a little room, where they took off my coat, 
vest and pants and gave me an old clown-suit, 
which had been left in that room from the last 
mask ball. I had to put them on, and then I 
could go. Well. I did run down the stairs in 
jumps, three steps at a time. Although not a 
bit afraid of the crowd, but — I wanted to get 
home. Before I knew it — and how it really did 
happen must remain untold — I found myself 
sprawling at the foot of the stairs. I picked my- 
self up. no bones broken, only a bloody nose. 
It was lucky that it was night, so no one could 
see me. I rushed up the street. When I came 
into the lights of the street-lamp on the next cor- 
ner, three boys were standing there, and as soon 
as they saw me, they commenced crying at once: 
“A clown! A fool! Hurrah!’’ They ran after 
me, and before I came to the next corner I 
thought I had half of the town behind me. I 
had just got across the corner, when a police- 
man grasped me. 


1 36 THE TARIFF QUESTION 


“You are my prisoner,” said he. 

“What for?” I asked. 

“For disturbing the peace,” he answered. 

I begged that fellow to let me go, but he 
wouldn’t do it. I had to go along to the police 
station. The Police Captain, who was a friend 
of mine, after I had made a proper explanation of 
my trouble, allowed me to go home. Once more 
I started homeward. I had not gone far, when 
again I had a crowd of a motly, mixed-up con- 
glomeration behind me. I was only about two 
blocks from home, when I got into the clutches 
of another policeman. I told him that I had 
been arrested before and that the Captain al- 
lowed me to go home. He said I couldn’t hum- 
bug him. So again to the station I had to go. 
When we came there, the Captain had a hearty 
laugh, but, I tell you, Mr. Editor, I didn’t feel 
like laughing. He told an officer to go along 
with me. I reached home safely. 

“Great Scott !” cried my wife as I entered our 
room, “are those the laurels you have earned? 
Is that bloody spot on your nose the wreath of 
glory they crowned you with, and is that the 
suit you will wear for congress ?’ ’ pointing to my 
buffoon pants. 


THE TARIFF QUESTION. 


*37 


Now, Mr. Editor, I’ll tell you, I am heartily 
tired of this thing and I am not going to do any 
more speech making. There is nothing in it. 
The only satisfaction I have had so far is this : 
Whenever I was called to make a speech, my 
audience kicked me out. That, I cannot stand 
any longer, for my bones are getting old and I 
have no duplicates to take their place. The only 
consolation I have in connection with this matter, 
is that our present generation does not appreciate 
a good speaker nor an intelligent oration delivered 
by a man of sense. 

I shall begin something else. As you are 
aware, my progenitor was a member of “ The 
Grand Army of the Republic ,” although he never 
bore a gun, but at the battle of Brownsville he 
accomplished a heroic act. He had climbed to 
the highest branches of a tall tree and from there 
viewed the whole battle from beginning to end. 
For this he fiad received a pension. 

Now I am going to have myself elected a 
member of the “Sons of the Veterans of the 
Grand Army of the Republic,” and then I will 
make, at once, application for my pension. In 
the meantime I shall start a “pop-corn” stand. 

Yours truly, 

Bob Grkknfklbow. 























• I 

' 














































« 





































































“A Duck Hunt.” 


l 




I 


/ 










































































































































































































“A DUCK HUNT.” 


“Will you accompany me to-morrow on a duck 
hunt?” enquired of me Mr. Hornsby, an old 
friend of mine. 

“I ?<— I don’t know.” 

“Well, why not? L,ack of time — too much 
occupied, I suppose?” 

“Oh, no; I have ample time, but I thought — ” 

“Well, now out with it — what did you think?” 

“If you must and will insist upon knowing, I 
will be candid with you and say that I cannot 
shoot ; at least I have tried several times but 
could never hit anything.” 

“Nonsense. Come with me, possibly you may 
hit something this time. Ducks are to be found 
on Mitchell’s I,ake by thousands, and there you 
will have a nice chance to shoot some of them.” 

“Well, I will go with you. What time shall 
we start ?” 

At 3 o’clock p. m., to-morrow. I will call for 
you, with my buggy, at your house. We will 
be on the grounds before sundown, when there 
will be a splendid chance to do some shooting 


142 


A DUCK HUNT. 


before dark. We’ll camp in the open air for the 
night and rise brisk and fresh the following 
morning. We’ll occupy the forenoon in hunting 
and the afternoon in driving back home. What 
say you ?” 

“Good,” I replied; “I’m your man.” 

“Agreed ! To-morrow afternoon at 3 o’clock, 
sharp. Good-bye. ’ ’ 

“Good-bye, Mr. Hornsby.” 

“Now, there; I have allowed myself again to 
be led into temptation,” I said to myself, after 
Hornsby had left me. “And that, too, in spite 
of many resolutions on my part against all such 
nonsense, especially not to go out gunning ! And 
I will have to camp in the open air — something 
I have never done in all my life. I must re- 
luctantly admit, this will be a pretty kettle of 
fish, or ducks, before it is over.” 

True to his word, at 3 p. m., sharp, on the fol- 
lowing day, Hornsby was at the door of my res- 
idence with his buggy. 

“Ready?” he called. 

“Ready, yes, I am ready.” 

“I packed my things in the bottom of his 
buggy; two woolen blankets, and was just in the 
act of adding a feather pillow to my baggage 
when Hornsby exclaimed : “Well, don’t you 
want to take a feather-bed along also ?” 


A DUCK HUNT. 


i43 


“Well,” said I, “if you think it better I 
will ” 

“Are you a lunatic !” was the most emphatic 
exclamation of Hornsby, now in the highest in- 
tensity of disgust; “to take a feather bed on a 
hunting expedition! Well, well; this is im- 
mense. Here, take your feather pillow and put 
it back in the house. I don’t carry .such stuff. 
You have plenty with those woolen blankets.” 

I took the pillow back in the house, and 
brought out my hair rope and put it in the 
buggy. 

“What do you want with that rope?” asked 
Hornsby. “I have a rope with me. ” 

“Without that rope I’ll not go with you. It is 
for — it is good on an}' trip in case of accidents 
and ” 

“All right, bring it along if you like.” 

I took my seat and said: “Now, we can go.” 

“But where in the name of common sense, 
are you going?” These words came in rather 
strong enunciations from the mouth of Hornsby. 

With some surprise I answered: “Sir, I had 
an idea, that you and I were going duck shoot- 
ing,” at the same time looking Hornsby in the 
face with no little astonishment. 


i 4 4 


A DUCK HUNT. 


“Yes; but, thunder and lightening, what are 
you going to shoot with? Where is your gun? 

“Ah! Oh! I came mighty near forgeting it.” 

I at once jumped out of the buggy, ran to the 
house, got my gun, powder and shot, and then 
we took our departure. 

Half an hour before sundown we were on the 
ground. The horse was unhitched and with a 
long rope tethered to a tree to graze. 

“Now come along,” said Hornsby, after we 
had taken our guns from the buggy. He led the 
way to a large oak tree, which was standing near 
the edge of the water. 

“Here, behind this tree, you remain standing. 
I will go further up, about a quarter of a mile. 
I think the ducks are over there now. As soon 
as you hear me shoot, you will note where they 
rise, watch them closely, as they are apt to 
light near you; if so, then blaze away at them. 
If they are numerous, in all probability, after 
you shoot, they will circle around for a while 
and perhaps light where I can get a second shot; 
therefore remain here behind this tree and fol- 
low instructions. 

Hornsby then walked cautiously towards the 
place pointed out by him, and I — I took’ my po- 
sition with my gun, a single-barrel, muzzle- 
loading shot gun, behind the tree. 


A DUCK HUNT. 


i45 


About twenty minutes later I heard the report 
of a gun in the direction taken by Hornsby. I 
saw quite a number of ducks rising, and sure 
enough, they came flying in the direction where 
I was standing. After making a few circles, a 
large flock of them lit in the water near the tree 
that consealed me. I took aim, and, filled with 
mental excitement, I pressed the trigger of my 
gun, and — it missed fire. Ah — I had forgotten 
the cap! Quick as lightening one was put on 
the tube. Again I pulled the trigger — it 
snapped, but the gun again missed fire. I tried 
another cap with the same result — then another, 
and another. Alarmed and perplexed, the cold 
perspiration ran out of every one of my pores. 
One more cap. I then measured the inside and 
outside of the barrel with the ramrod. There 
can be no doubt, it is loaded. Ten successive 
caps were tried in vain. By Jupiter — the gun 
would not shoot! 

Alarm and excitement now prevaded my entire 
being to such an extent that I had to sit down. 

What would Hornsby say? Ah! He wanted 
to get another shot. Quick as thought I sprang 
to my feet. I hollowed and threw rocks at 
the ducks, whereupon they took wing and flew 
in all directions. Not long after Hornsby came 
with two fine ducks. 


146 


A DUCK HUNT \ 


“What, in the name of goodness is the mat- 
ter?' ’ he exclaimed. “Why didn’t you shoot?” 

“My gun wouldn’t go off.” 

“There now, the gun is at fault. Let me see 
it!” 

He made a close examination of it and re- 
marked: “Loaded — yes; and well at that. When 
did yon load it?” 

“That was — when I was out hunting the last 
time.” 

“And how long since was that?” 

“It may be about three years ago.” 

“What — three years?! Well, then it is no 
wonder it doesn’t go off. But never mind, now, 
it is getting too late for any sport this evening, 
and I will draw the load out of your gun in the 
morning. We will attend to the horse, then 
kindle up a fire and cook one of the ducks for 
supper; afterwards fix ourselves as comfortably 
as possible for the night.” 

I heartily endorsed his proposition. Our sup- 
per was not alone palatable, but eaten with a 
relish. Afterwards we rolled a huge dry oak 
log on the fire, which Hornsby said would burn 
the whole night. He then took his blankets, 
rolled himself in them, a piece of wood for a pil- 
low, and went to sleep. 


A DUCK HUNT. 


H7 


I took one of my blankets, spread it on the 
ground, laid down on it and covered up with the 
other one. It was a very hard bed to .say the 
least of it. I waited quite awhile, then leaned 
over to see if Hornsby was asleep or not. His 
regular breathing convinced me that he was. I 
arose in a very easy and noiseless manner, went 
to the buggy, got my hair rope. It was a very 
long one. Quitly and carefully, in order not to 
awaken my friend, I proceeded to form a circle 
with the rope around our couch or camp. 

“What, in the duce, are you up to now?” ex- 
claimed Hornsby, suddenly raising himself on 
one elbow. 

Startled at his unexpected interruption, I al- 
most tumbled to the ground. 

“I wanted to ” 

“What did you want? What did you want 
with that hair rope?” 

“I wanted — wanted the rope laid down around 
our camp.” 

Well, but for what?” 

“It it said to be a preventive against rattle- 
snakes and other vermin. They will not crawl 
over a hair rope.” 

“What an imbecile idea! I tell you, I could 
have done much better than to take such a silly 


148 


A DUCK HUNT. 


idiot like you with me out hunting. Now lie 
down and go to sleep, or at least keep quiet. 5 ' 

I lay down again. I tried hard to sleep, but 
that was easier said than done. I turned first 
one way then the other, right and left, on my 
back. I repeated these movements for nearly an 
hour. I couldn’t sleep. Head and limbs, my 
whole body was aching. Oh, if I had only had 
a high pillow, then the situation might have been 
endurable ! Ah, I’ll follow Hornsby’s example! 
Again I arose, but very quietly, got a piece of 
wood and placed it under my head and spread 
my blanket over it. “There,” said I to myself, 
“this is a little better. It is to be hoped I can 
sleep now.” Some time later I was compelled 
to shift and change my position. My head 
ached from resting on the hard wood in spite of 
the wool blanket. I turned around, to the right, 
to the left, but at last the nape of my neck com- 
menced to ache to such an extent as to compel 
me to remove the wood. I got up again, rolled 
up one of my blankets and used it as a pillow, 
wrapped up in the other one and lay down for 
the third time. Well, this seemed a little better. 
I lay with my head so high that I could see the 
fire, which was burning brightly only a few 
steps from my feet. To a lover of nature, it 
may have been a romantic scene which presented 
itself to my gaze. Before and behind us, the 
grand old majestic live oaks, which in the glare 


A DUCK HUNT. 


149 


of the light from the fire, seemed to me like 
powerful giants. On our right, the lake; re- 
flecting the silver rays of the moon. On 
our left the buggy under the giant shadow 
of a stately live oak; a little further on, 
in the back ground, our horse quietly graz- 
ing on the luxuriant grass, while above all, 
a clear sky, glittering with stars that looked 
calmly from its silent depths of beauty upon the 
slumbering world. Surely all this was a land- 
scape of unquestioned beauty. Nevertheless, I 
would rather have been at home in my soft, 
warm bed. I made up my mind that this would 
certainly be the last time that I would submit to 
the temptation of going on a hunt. It is very 
foolish and absurd anyway. Here I am rolling 
on the hard ground until all my bones are 
aching for the sake of getting a few shots at some 
ducks ! Yes, truly a wonderful pleasure ! And 
then, the fear one has to undergo. Although 
sufficiently protected against rattlesnakes — for in- 
deed they do not crawl over a hair rope— if we 
were to go to sleep possibly a couple of tramps 
might come along, launch us into eternity by 
strangulation, throat-cutting or shooting, take 
our horse and buggy and everything we have. 
How did the wild Indians do — those terrible, 
blood-thirsty Indians, with their war songs — 
and how tearfully did they torture and mutilate 
their poor prisoners ! If they were to come to- 


A DUCK HUNT. 


150 

night ! No, no; that is nonsense. No Indians 
have been seen around here for the last ten years. 
But couldn’t it be possible, after all, for them to 
come and scalp us ! Oh, my — nonsense — but 
suppose I had to return to town to-morrow 
scalped ? Impossible ! — What would the people 
say? — away with the thought ! — It maddens me! 
— No Indians are about — certainly not — but if 
they — Oh, my! Oh ” 


Great Scott ! What is that ? I see a pair of 
wild, fiery eyes — something comes crawling 
towards me on hands and feet — a red glowing 
face, looking like a demon let loose from hades. 
Ye Saints ! Help me ! It is an Indian ! I 
wanted to jump up — my limbs seemed paralyzed 
— I wanted to cry out — my speaking organs were 
powerless. I lay there in a death-like stupor 
without the slightest control of my limbs — robbed 
of the power of speech — and yet compelled to .see 
and hear everything that transpired around me ! 
I see another Indian — there — there’s another one 
— here — there — everywhere they become visible 
— there must be hundreds of them ! Now they 
jump to their feet and dance, swinging their 
bows, arrows and knives wildly but noiselessly 
around me ! There — there — there comes a 
giant Indian and places himself at my feet, views 
me with a contemptible, blood-thirsty look and, 


A DUCK HUNT. 


151 

it seems to me, as if the wild man is growing 
larger all the time. No doubt of it — he is in- 
creasing in size — until he is as big as the gigantic 
oak under which I am lying. Now he grasps 
one of the largest and highest limbs of the mighty 
tree — he draws his feet in the air and — there — 
presto ! he sits in the top of the tree ! There — 
now I see a large number of Indians leaping or 
flying among the tree tops — they jump and spring 
from one tree to another and threaten me with 
their knives and arrows, at the same time making 
such faces as would eclipse all the hobgoblins 
that human imagination could invent. There — 
there, of a sudden I see in the open space at my 
feet a large number running to and fro — I hear a 
violin and one calling out — sure enough the Indi- 
ans are dancing! There — there are Indian squaws 
in long dresses — Mother Hubbard style — ah, 
how curiously they carry their trains and how 
they jump ! Yes, they actually are dancing a 
Virginia reel. Again — and there stands at my 
feet the big Indian with several others. All 
place themselves, with large knives in band, 
around me; there are thirteen of them. 

“Silence!” vociferated the giant Indian; “when 
I speak all of you keep your mouths locked, be- 
cause I — I alone am skillful and wise ! Harka, 
and you, Lolo, each presented me yesterday with 
a gavel. I am consequently the possessor of two 
gavels for use in our meetings. You have both 


152 


A DUCK HUNT . 


done well; you know how to appreciate my 
wisdom. I shall use the gavels, understand me 
well, I shall, to each and all of you, who may 
not give the deference due me, in making 
motions and propositions — yes, I shall, with 
one or both of these gavels, close his impertinent 
flytrap. Do you understand me?” 

“Yes, master!” was the exclamation, unani- 
mously given; “yes, thou alone hast sagacity; 
thou alone possess the fire of genius!” 

“There, that is right. I am your chief and 
this,” pointing to and presenting a young Indian, 
“this is my trusted advisor.” 

“He!” cried one Indian ; “he wears a stove- 
pipe and a whole jewelry store ! Gold watch 
and chain, gold spectacles, gold breastpin, gold 
ring and gold headed cane, and ” 

“Silence!” said the giant. “That lam learned 
and wise, anyone can see by the point of my 
nose; but with my advisor it is entirely different. 
I — yet what was I about to say ? I owe you no 
account of my administration. I command here, 
I alone am smart and wise ! What am I ? 
Answer me, minions !” 

“Master, thou art great, wise and shrewd,” 
said one Indian. 

“Yes, master, thou art learned, wise and 
great !” responded all the others in one voice. 


A DUCK HUNT. 


153 


“Bobo ? Why don’t you bow when the others 
are speaking of me ?” 

•“Master, I am a free and Independent Texan. 
I claim to have the right to my own opinion. I 
do not bow to any man !” 

“You don’t!” shouted the enraged chief in 
stentorian tones, at the same time flinging one of 
the gavels at the head of the Indian, who, ex- 
pecting something of the kind, made a quick 
dodge as the gavel flew past him and landed on 
the head of another Indian. 

“Oh, master!” exclaimed the wounded Indian, 
“are you not learned and wise?” 

“Silence ! I didn’t come here to listen to your 
silly talk, but w T e will deliberate in council what 
to do with this pale face !” ejaculated the terrible 
being, pointing to me. 

“I make a motion,” cried out one Indian, 
“we’ll cook him for breakfast in the morning. 
He will make an excellent substitute for beef- 
steak. ’ ’ 

“No, I make the proposition that we have him 
for dinner,” said another one. “A good fresh 
piece of meat r;nd a good head- cheese- — Oh, it is 
so nice!” 

“Silence!” thundered the chief, “I alone shall 
decide the fate of this pale-face. I say we save 


154 


A DUCK HUNT. 


him until night for supper and make a good 
hash of him.” 

‘‘Yes! yes!” cried all the others, and dancing 
wildly around me, they shouted : 

‘ Hash , hash , beautiful hash , a man is a fool 
who doesn't like hash , ha-sh!” 

“Silence!” commanded the chief. “Soco, go 
and scalp the pale-face!” 

An Indian, with blood in his eyes, came near 
me. I wanted to cali — to jump up, but my limbs 
refused to obey me. The Indian grasped me by 
the hair — he commenced to cut — and — and now 
he pulled my top knot off. “Help! help! mur- 
der!” I yelled, at the same time springing to my 
feet. 

“What is up, what is the matter here?” cried 
Hornsby, also jumping up. 

“Indians! Scalp, may poor scalp!” 

“Where, where?” 

“Over there,” I cried pointing to the bed I 
had so recently vacated. 

Hornsby looked in the direction indicated, 
then, taking me by the ear, led me nearer — 
nearer to the bed. “There, look at your In- 
dians,” he cried. 

What did I see? There, where I had rested, 
stood an old cow, complacently chewing on one 


A DUCK HUNT. 


155 


of my woolen blankets, She had in all prob- 
ability pulled the same from under my head — . 

Hornsby was mad as blazes, and I think, had 
I said but one word in reply, he would have at- 
tempted to give me a thrashing. I was glad 
when he laid himself down again. I tried to r et 
my blanket from the cow, but, when I came near 
her, she started in a gallop, still holding to my 
blanket. I ran after her, but owing to the dark- 
ness and my anxiety and excitement, ancf seeing 
nothing but the confounded cow — splash I lay 
sprawling in the mud and water. As soon as I 
had recovered a little from the shock, I called 
aloud for help. 

Hornsby came, with language more forcible 
than polite, and helped me out. 

Cold and shivering, I pulled off my wet cloth- 
ing and hung it near the fire to try; then wraped 
myself in the remaining blanket and stood there, 
silently listening to the derisive remarks of my 
friend, who after awhile became quiet and again 
lay down, when in less than no time his snoring 
resembled the noise of a mill-wheel. The old 
cow I never saw again. The next mornning I 
found my blanket, but it had been chewed in 
such a manner, as to be entirely out of use. 

In the course of an hour or so, my clothes 
became dry, and I again put them on. I looked 


A DUCK HUNT. 


156 

at my watch, which luckily had sustained no in- 
jury from my unwelcome bath. 

“Two o’clock!” This proved that I must have 
slept before falling into the water, and only could 
have dreamed all that terrible stuff about the 
Indians. That was a fearful dream. Tie down 
again? No never! I shall remain awake the 
balance of the night. I took the only blanket 
now left me, and sat in the buggy. I tried to 
keep awake, and attempted to call up various 
occurences ol my past life, but always came back 

to this demoralizing dream. 

Ah, I came very near going to sleep. I 

said to myself: “If I can only keep awake!” 

I got out of the vehicle and walked up and 
down. How awe-inspiring still, how gloomy and 
haunted the hours pass slowly by in a night like 
this. At last, owing to continued walking, I got 
tired and sat down in the buggy. 

“Oh — would that this night were over! 

!” 


“There — great Scott! What was that?” I 
cried, excited and scared nearly to death. 
“There — there, I heard it another time ! It was 
a scream so terrific, that I never had heard the 
like. It must be one of the trumpets of the last 
judgment ! Almost paralyzed with fear, I 


A DUCK HUNT. 


i57 

jumped out of the buggy and crawled under 
Hornsby’s blanket. 

“D — n it ! What is up now ?” cried Hornsby. 

“Oh, a most terrible noise and screaming ! I 
think there must be at least a hundred Indians. 
There ! — don’t you hear it yourself?’’ I cried as 
there came a repetition of the same startling cry 
to our ears, and even sounding nearer through 
the stillness of the night. 

“And you really don’t know what that is?” 
asked Hornsby. 

“No, truly I do not.” 

“Well, I will tell you. It is an animal which 
has discovered by animal instinct that in you it 
has a companion here in the forest. There, do 
you hear, it is screaming again and look — there 
it comes !” 

Sure enough, an animal came along with 
rather long head and long ears. It — it was a 
jackass. 

Here again followed the next edition of abusive 
talk of all kinds, Then Hornsby concluded by 
remarking : ‘ ‘Day is breaking and we need not 

think of lying down any more to-night. We 
will prepare our breakfast, then I’ll clean your 
gun and we will again be ready for the ducks.” 


158 


A DUCK HUNT. 


After breakfast I handed my gun to Hornsby. 
He took the ramrod and attaching a screw to the 
end, pushed it down the barrel. 

“Ah, what is that?” was his ejaculation, when, 
after pulling out some paper, he poured out a 
number of buckshot. “What did you expect to 
shoot with them ?” 

“Deer.” 

“What, you wanted to shoot deer? Have you 
ever, in all your life, seen a wild deer ?” 

“Yes.” 

“And you really did not faint at the time ?” 

“No-o!” 

“No? Well, this goes beyond my utmost 
imagination. You are doing very wrong if you 
continue to keep this a secret. The future Texas 
historian will miss recording one of the grandest 
occurrences which ever happened in the country 
and future generations will never know that there 
lived such a hero in San Antonio. Thunder and 
lightning ! What is this?” interrupting himself 
when, instead of the expected powder, more 
buckshot rolled out of the gun. “Why, you had 
two loads of buckshot in your gun !” 

“Yes? — I must have committed that blun- 
der—” 


A DUCK HUNT. 


159 


“D — n it, if there isn’t a third one — a third 
load of small shot, and what have we here ? I 
have at last reached the bottom of the barrel. 
Sure — this beats everything ! If ever anyone 
wants to know who is the greatest jackass of the 
present century, you — you step to the front and 
you can, without blushing, say that you lay 
claim to that distinction. I11 all my life, I never 
before knew of a man, going on a hunt, with 
three loads of shot, piled one on the other in his 
gun, and — no powder /” 








nis Fatuus. 








































































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. 










































“IGNIS FATUUS.” 


Surely* a nice title for the beginning of a story, 
isn’t it? What it means? Well, I hardly 
know myself! — I have not the slightest 
idea of the meaning of these words, and cannot 
state whether it is French, German, L,atin or 
Zulu. I make use of this kind of heading for 
the reason, that if I were to use the proper title, 
my readers, especially those in San Antonio, 
would throw my story — to the winds. Yes, of this 
I am positive. Why? Because I want to tell 
you about an official, or business man, or a 
species of men, who are hated by nearly every- 
body. Yes, sir; that is true. I know of some 
citizens of this great city, if they only hear that 
they are being talked about, they will get ex- 
cited sufficiently to dance a Mexican fandango; 
their gall will burst; they will curse and swear 
in a manner that would lead one to believe they 
could eat half a dozen men for breakfast. To 
them I will say: “Read — lead my little story 
and you will experience the greatest enthusiasm 
while reading how the Old Harry got away with 
one — yes, with one at least — of these fellow.” 
And now I will give the right title. It is: 

“Why a City Engineer Wants to Give Up 
Engineering!” 


6 4 


IGNIS FATUUS. 


“What!” some reader will exclaim; “is that 
green fellow crazy? . Does he think we can be in- 
timidated by such at title?” To them I will say, 
“that they never had anything to do with an en- 
gineer, ,and hence do not know how mean these 
scoundrels are; and for this reason, before I tell 
why one of them wants to give up engineering, I 
will relate my own experience with some of 
them.” 


Well, like all the rest of the boys, in the or- 
dinary course of nature, I got married. I was 
.so happy! We rented a nice little house for fif- 
teen dollars a month. Gee Wilikins, how the 
months went by! Just as we thought we had 
paid one month’s rent, the landlord would ap- 
pear with a florid face, ornamented by a most 
magnificent rose, ready to bloom, while its color 
would have done credit to a turkey gobbler’s 
snout, and, with a grin and outstretched hand 
this gentleman would demand another month’s 
pay. This would’nt do. We had to change 
plans. A family meeting was called, consisting 
of myself and wife, and we thoroughly discussed 
the matter, with the final decision to save every 
dollar and nickel we possibly could for the pur- 
pose of getting a home of our own. In these 
family meetings I held all the offices, except that 
of treasurer, which was positively claimed by my 


IGNIS FA TUUS. 


165 

wife. She filled the position to perfection. She 
knew what my salary was, consequently I had 
to surrender the whole of it every month. She 
put it away for safe-keeping. I could never in- 
duce her to tell one where it was, or to spend a 
nickel. If I said : ‘ ‘Darling, there is a fine theat- 

rical troupe in the city ; let us go to see the 
play,” she would answer: ‘‘That is against 
our rules and regulations. First a home, then 
we can attend the theater and opera.” What 
could I do! Dissolve my membership with the 
association and leave the cashier with all the 
money? No, sir! 

Well, six months after our first meeting the, 
cashier reported a cash balance of two hundred 
and fifty dollars. It was time to look around for 
a building spot. I went up Main street and 
pretty soon found a lot which suited me. I went 
to the owner. 

“How much do you want for that lot on Main 
street?” I asked. 

‘‘That is a fine lot, sir,” he replied. ‘‘I will 
sell that lot for two hundred and fifty dollars, 
the—” 

‘‘For how much?” 

‘‘Two hundred and fifty dollars, the ” 

‘‘Wouldn’t you sell it. cheaper if a man paid 
cash down?” 


IGNIS FA TUUS . 


1 66 

“No, sir!” 

“Well, I will take that lot. Here is the money. 
Two hundred and fifty dollars. Make out the 
deed.” 

“What do you mean, sir?” 

“Well, I want to buy that lot.” 

“You didn’t let me finish telling you. I’ll 
sell that lot at the rate of two hundred and fifty 
dollars per lineal foot frontage, which makes for 
the whole amount — six thousand dollars. ’ ’ 

“Is that all? Six thous Gee Wilikins! 

I don’t want that lot! No, sir. Good bye.” 

Well, I looked at other lots. Didn’t like them, 
but at last found the right thing for us. About 
one mile out of town, a man had a whole block 
surveyed and divided up in twelve lots, each of 
which measured fifty feet front by one hundred 
and fifty feet deep. Corner lots to cost three 
hundred and inside lots two hundred dollars. 
I didn’t like a corner lot, hence bought an inside 
one. The next day I had my lot surveyed by 
the city engineer. He did the work in about 
half an honr and charged me ten dollars. Next 
I had the lot inclosed with a nice fence, and two 
weeks later I bought some beautiful umbrella 
China trees and planted them inside along the 
fence, about one foot from the same. Every 
evening I went out to my property and carried 


IGNIS FATUUS. 


167 


water from the ditch, a distance of about two 
hundred yards, to water my trees. About a year 
later we moved into our lumber palace. It was 
not very large; one room, a kitchen and a small 
gallery. But, when I came home, at eve, and 
slipped into my smoking gown, donned my 
Turkish cap, lit my long pipe and marched with 
short steps (I could ’nt make long ones, for with 
three strides I was at the end) up and down the 
gallery, I tell you, I felt like a 3^oungking. Two 
years later, I had two additional rooms added to 
the house. The trees looked fine and gave a 
pleasant shade, and we were so happy, until — 
yes until! Well, I came home one evening, 
when my wife, excited and angry, told me, that 
two men and the engineer had measured the ad- 
joining lot, and one of the men had told her that 
we had our fence on his lot. Well, we had the 
first sleepless night. The next morning, before 
breakfast, a man came to see us. 

“My name is Mister Brown,” said he. “I 
bought the lot next to you and have to inform 
you that your fence is on my land.” 

“That can’t be,” said I. 

“Be or not be, but it is so. You will have to 
move your fence, and the quicker you do it, the 
better for you.” 


“But if I do not move?” 


IGNIS FA TUUS. 


1 68 

“Then I’ll tear it down.” 

“You?” 

“Yes, I!” 

“You— You?” 

“Yes, mel I will! I have a right to.” 

You? I had the city engineer to survey my 
lot, and he will ” 

“Never mind who surveyed your lot. The 
present city engineer surveyed mine yesterday, 
and he showed and told me that your fence is 
three feet on my ’ ’ 

“Thr-e-e fe-et! Man, that would take all 
my nice shade trees!” 

“Well, that wouldn’t be such a great calam- 
ity.” 

“No? Certainly not for you. But I bought 
those trees, I planted them myself and carried 
water for three long years to make them grow. 
I should loose them ? No, sir. I would rather 
chap them down.” 

“Well, I’d like to see that ! I’d like to see 
any man cutting trees on my land.” 

“Thunder and lightning ! What, on your 
land ? The trees are on my land. ’ ’ 

“No sir; they are on my land and belong to 
me ! You can move your fence — I don’t want it 


IGNIS FA TUUS. 1 69 

— but you touch those trees and I’ll have you 
arrested.” 

‘‘Thunder and — what, you miserable wretch ! 
You — you want to tell me such things in my own 
house? Get out of here, you — you ” 

‘‘Well, I’ll go; but I tell you, if you don’t 
move your fence by to-morrow, I’ll tear it down 
and—” 

“Getout! Getout, or ” 

He left. It was enough to exasperate a saint. 
Is such a thing right ? My nice trees — what can 
I do ? Oh, yes; see the city engineer. I hur- 
riedly put on my coat and ran to his office. 

‘‘Where is the engineer, sir?” I asked a large 
stout fellow sitting in a chair leaning back with 
his feet on the desk. 

‘‘I am the engineer.” 

‘‘I mean the city engineer.” 

‘T am the city engineer.” 

“Yes? — but where is that other fellow who three 
years ago surveyed my lot ?” 

“He is out of office, sir.” 

“Out of office ! Why?” 

“Because he was a fool — didn’t understand 
anything about engineering.” 


IGNIS FATUUS. 


170 

“Indeed ? He was a fool ? Well, well ! Did 
you survey that lot for that man Brown yester- 
day?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“And you told that scoundrel that he could 
take my fence away?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“And my nice shade trees ?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“And three feet of my land ?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“You told him that?” 

“Yes, sir !” 

“You ?” 

“Yes, sir !” 

“ ‘Yes, sir’ — ‘yes, sir’ — ‘yes, sir !’ Can’t you 
say anything but ‘yes sir’ ?” 

“Yes, sir, I can say something else, and I’ll 
tell you to get out of my office, or — I will throw 
you out !” 

“You! Me? You ” 

“Yes, sir — you ! D — n you -P‘ 

I did not hear any more, because I was flying 
through the door, and the next thing — I found 
myself sitting in the middle of the street. Oh, 


IGNIS FATUUS. 


171 

how I did look ! It had been raining very hard 
that day and how muddy the streets of San 
Antonio can get, no one knows, unless from 
practical experience. Well, that scoundrel of an 
engineer had landed me in the deepest mud. I 
cleaned myself as best I could. What next ? 
What should I do? Stop — I’ve got it — yes, I’ll 
go to my boss; he is a smart man — he knows the 
law! I picked myself up and ran to our store. 
The old gentleman was there and I told him all 
about my trouble. 

“Well, well,” said he, “that is the reason you 
are so excited. How dirty you look ! Are you 
not ashamed of yourself to make an appearance 
at the store in that condition ? And all about 
such a trifling matter.” 

“It is not a trifle for me, Mr. Mason. My — 
my nice trees!” 

“Oh, hang the trees ! About such old rotten 
trees ” 

“My trees are not rotten, sir; they are the 
prettiest in the whole town ! I planted — ” 

“Never mind that. If your trees were the 
finest in the world you had no right to come in 
my store like a hog !” 

“I am not a hog, sir !” 

“Yes, you are, and you look like one !” 


172 


IGNIS FA TUUS. 


“Mr. Mason !” 

“What! You want to fight me, too? Get 
out of here — get out !” 

“Thunder and light — ” 

“Porter, help him out !” 

Again I found myself sitting in the street. 
What next ? Home — yes, for heaven’s sake, 
home — or I shall lose my mind ! I ran home — 
everybody evaded me —I had the narrow side- 
walk all to myself. Home, home, was all I 
could think. I thought I would get there safely 
when — -in front of me, walked a lady and gentle- 
man, the lady leading a child by the hand. I 
saw a little space between the wall and the child. 
I succeeded in squeezing by, but in doing so 
sent the child sprawling on the pavement I 
turned J)ack to pick it up, but the lady already 
had the little one in her arms. 

“Beg your pardon !’’ I said; “I didn’t — ” 

“Shut up your mouth, you miserable drunk- 
ard !” cried the man. 

“What, drunkard ! I — ’’ 

Well, by all the saints, I went down again — 
doubled up like a pocket knife. Did that fellow 
strike me in the chest ? I got intensely angry 
and jumped on my feet, rolled up my sleeves, 
and was preparing to give my assailant a blow 


IGNIS FA TO US. 


i73 


that would cause him to see the seven stars, when 
— just then I felt something in contact with my 
neck and down the inside of my collar. I looked 
up and saw — saw a policeman. 

“You are my prisoner !” said he. 

That was too much for me. My feet began to 
tremble, my knees became shaky — I could barely 
stand up. Oh, my — arrested ! I never had been 
arrested in my life. I was always afraid of these 
policemen. My mother scared me with them 
when I was a little shaver by saying : “If you 
don’t behave the policeman will get you !” She 
often said this, and now I — I am arrested ! It 
was too much for me. Broken down mentally 
and physically, I followed the policeman to the 
station. 

“What is the matter with you, Bob?’’ asked a 
friend of mine, meeting us in the street. 

“Oh, Charley, I am — ” I could not speak 
any more. 

“What is the matter with him?’’ he inquired 
of the officer. 

“He is arrested.” 

“What for?” 

“I have three charges to make against him. 
For being drunk and down, for disturbing the 
peace, and for fighting. ’ ’ 


i74 


IGNIS FA .TUUS. 


“What, that can’t be! I have known that 
man since we were little boys, and I never heard 
anything like that against him.” 

“Well, you hear it now. Get on !” said the 
officer to me. 

“I have not much time now,” said my friend, 
who was cashier in a bank, “but I will go with 
you anyway to see what they want to do with 
you.” 

He came along, heard the charges against me, 
and gave bond for me. After that I was told I 
could go home. 

“Well, old boy,” said my friend, “you go 
home now and I will come after supper to your 
house.” 

He went off and I started for home. After 
supper he came and I gave him a full and de- 
tailed account of my trouble. 

“Well, Bob, you had bad, very bad luck to- 
day. I saw your boss this afternoon and he told 
me what happened in the store. From there I 
went to the city engineer and had a talk with 
him about your trouble and I believe you will 
have to move your fence.” 

“Oh, my nice trees!” 

Well, you will have to lose them. I can’t see 
any other way, I know that. I was troubled in 
the same manner by these scoundrels of engineers. 


IGNIS FATUUS. 


175 


After they had given me the lines of my lot, and 
after I had built a fence and stable on those lines, 
they told me that I was seven feet in the street. 
I was compelled to pull down fence and stable 
and move them back. Another time, one of 
these smart Alexs had to level our street, and 
after the same was paved and sidewalks con- 
structed and the first rain came, the houses on 
the whole street were under water and I had to 
hire the fire engine to pump the water out of my 
cellar. 

“But great Scott, how can that be ? How can 
the city engage or employ such incompetent 
men ?” 

“Well, I think I can explain that to you. You 
know that we have an election every two years 
to elect a mayor, councilmen, etc. The newly 
elected mayor of this city has the right to ap- 
point the city engineer, the city doctor, city 
marshal, policemen, etc., and kicks the old ones 
out. Now, if a candidate wants the engineer’s 
office, the question as to competency is never 
looked into by the mayor. He may be a 
plumber or a roof painter. That makes no dif- 
ference. The number of votes which the ap- 
plicant controls is the grand consideration. If 
the mayor thinks the candidate has influence 
sufficient to elect him for another term; or if he 
(the mayor) finds in him a willing tool, who will 


176 


IGNIS FA TUUS . 


not say more than what is dictated to him, he 
will get the office. Now, there is a provision in 
the city ordinances which provides that the 
mayor shall propose a list of candidates to the 
council and only a majority of the same can ap- 
point. But the mayor don’t care a continental 
for that. At the first meeting of the newly 
elected council he will lay his list of candidates 
before the council and if the councilmen or aider- 
man will vote against them, he will submit them 
again at the next meeting and will keep this up 
until the council gets worn out and finally will 
vote for the candidates proposed by the mayor. 
That is the way it is done. Can you understand 
now why we so often have the most incompetent 
scoundrels in the city engineer’s office? Well, 
to come back to present business, you had better 
move your fence and to-morrow morning go to 
the recorder’s court, plead guilty and pay your 
fine, thus you will only have to pay five dollars. 
And now another subject. I am well aware that 
you will never go back to Mason’s, owing to the 
mean manner in which he treated you. I had a 
talk with Mr. Chandler; he knows you well and 
needs a bookkeeper. He told me that you were 
welcome to the place and he will pay you the 
same amount as Mason.” 

Well, the next day I did everything that my 
friend had advised me to do, but the love, pride 


IGNIS FA TUUS. 


177 


and pleasure which I had ever experienced in. 
my little home, had flown. 

Six months later we had another city election, 
and the city engineer was bounced. I felt happy 
at this, until — one day I saw a fellow taking 
levels on our street. I was informed in town 
that our street would be graded by order of 
the council. The next evening, when I came 
home, my wife told me that this fellow had said 
to her, we had our front fence two feet on the 
street, and I should come to his office. I did not 
go — I had enough of the first time. A week 
later I got an order from the council to remove 
my fence from the street. I went to my friend 
Charley and he advised me to move my fence 
back. I did it. The street didn’t get fixed that 
year, because the city finances were low. 

Two years later we had another city election. 
The first thing the new council did was to pass a 
resolution to pave our street. They had plenty 
of money and sent the new city engineer to sur- 
vey the same. 

“Dear, will you please go to the gate and see 
what that engineer wants?” said my wife one 
morning. 

“No, darling, I wont go.” 

“But he wants to see you.” 

“But I don’t want to see him.” 


i7» 


IGNIS FA TUUS. 


“He says he has something very important to 
say to you.” 

“But I do not want to hear it. I do not want 
to see him. I won’t go!” 

“Oh, what shall I do now? He stands out 
there waiting. He asked me if you were at 
home. I told him you were. He didn’t want 
to tell me what he wished to say to you.” 

Well, I went out. 

“What do want?” I asked that fellow. 

“Well, sir, I only want to tell you that your 
fence is two feet too far back and you can move 
it out.” 

“Yes ! I did have my fence two feet out and 
they made me move it back.” 

“I know it. It was a great wrong from that 
former engineer. You had your fence on the 
right line, but — he never was an engineer; he 
is a fool.” 

“Yes; he is a fool? And what are you?” 

“Well, sir; I am the city engineer.” 

“You are — yes indeed — you are no fool — Oh, 
no. You don’t want to be a fool. But, I tell 
you, you are a fool; you are a miserable fool; 
you are the biggest fool I ever saw, and if you 
don’t get away from here I’ll tear the wool off 
your sheepshead, you — you ” 


IGNIS FA TUUS. 


179 


Well, he weut off. Two hours later I was ar- 
rested and fined ten dollars and trimmings for in- 
sulting a city officer. 

Well, that was my experience with these 
scoundrels. I think it was enough — at least it 
was enough for me. 

Now I will tell why one of them wants to give 
up his office. 


Mister Jones, the city engineer and surveyor 
of San Antonio, was a good man. A good 
church member. He hated whiskey and tobacco. 
The only thing he did like was chewing cloves. 
One day he was sitting in his office, staring with 
despairing and melancholy countenance at the 
ceiling. 

Some one rapped at the door. 

“Come in,” said Jones. 

In came his best friend, Mr. Caldwell. 

“Hello, old boy,” said Caldwell. “How do 
you do? We have got — what is the matter with 
you; are you sick?” 

“No.” 

“Well, what is it?” 

‘Oh — I — I’m thinking of giving up my of- 
fice. ’ ’ 


i8o 


IGNIS FA TUUS. 


“What?! You want to give up your office! 
Your good paying office! That cannot be. Why 
— why do you want to do that ?” 

“Because I think it is better for me.” 

“Better for you? Did you have any trouble in 
you office?’ ’ 

“No.” 

“Well, what on earth can it be? Tell me — 
but wait.” 

Caldwell ran to the door, locked it, pulled out 
of his coat pocket a small bottle and gave it to 
Jones. 

“Here, take one; take a good one,” said he to 
Jones. 

Jones did take the bottle and drank half of its 
contents. Caldwell swallowed the rest of it. 
After that they put their hands in their pockets 
and pulled out some cloves, which they pro- 
ceeded to chew, after which Jones put his nose 
to the mouth of Caldwell, and the latter his nasal 
appendages to the fly-trap of Jones. 

“It’s all right; the smell is gone,” said Cald- 
well, “and now tell me, why you wish to give 
up your office.” 

“It is about a ” 

“Well?” 


IGNIS FATUUS. 


181 


“It is about ” 

“Well?” 

“It is about a bad — bad ” 

“Well ?” 

“It is about a bad — bad dream, which I had 
last night.” 

“What! Arn’t you crazy? About a foolish 
dream you want to give up your office?’ ’ 

“Yes.” 

“That cannot be!” 

“I know you would do the same thing if you 
had such a fearful night as I had.” 

“No, sir; I don’t believe that. But tell me — 
tell me your dream.” 

“Well, then listen: 

“I dreamed I was dead. I went to the gates 
of heaven and knocked. Saint Peter made his 
appearance. 

“ ‘What do you want?’ said he. 

“ ‘I would like to be admitted here.’ 

“ ‘Who are you?’ 

“ ‘I am Mister Jones.’ 

“ ‘Where do you come from?” 


“ ‘From San Antonio, Texas.’ 


IS2 


IGNIS FA TUUS , 


“ ‘What trade did you follow there?’ 

“ ‘Surveyor and engineer.’ 

“ ‘What?!’ 

“ ‘Surveyor and engineer.’ 

“ ‘Get out of here, there is no place for you 
here; get out! We don’t want any surveyor or 
engineer here — get out!’ 

“All ray praying and begging to let me in 
were of no avail. He closed the gate in my face. 
Now you can imagine how I felt. As I had to 
go like a miserable wretch and ask for admit- 
tance in the lower region. I went there and 
rapped. The Old Harry himself came to the 
door. 

“ ‘What do you want?’ he asked me. 

“ ‘I want to get admission here.’ 

“ ‘Yes! Ah — who are you?’ 

“ ‘I’m Mister Jones.’ 

“ ‘Where are you from?’ 

“ ‘From San Antonio, Texas.’ 

“ ‘Ah, from Texas! Those Texans must like 
me, especially those from San Antonio. Nearly 
all of them come to me. That’s right^conle in! 
But what business did you follow?’ 

“ ‘I was surveyor and engineer,’ .. /. 


IGNIS FA TUUS. 


183 


'What? Get out of here! I don’t want any 
more such scoundrels here — get out!’ 

“He closed the door on me. That was too 
much. Heaven and hell closed on me for noth- 
ing else but being an engineer! Oh! I cried 
like a baby. It was very cold and raining, and 
I had to stand outside shivering and crying, 
while on the inside of the door I heard shouting 
and laughter. I knocked once more. 

'What, you are here yet?’ exclaimed his 
Satanic Majesty. ‘Get out!’ 

“Again he tried to close the door, but I had 
my foot in front of it. 

“ ‘Oh, dear,’ I cried, ‘led me in. I’m not to 
blame for being an engineer. I had to learn that 
business. Oh, dear, have pity on me and let me 
in!’ 

“ ‘Well, I ought to get mad at you, but I have 
my good day to day, so I will tell you why I do 
not want any surveyor or engineer in here. 

“ ‘Some time ago I had such a fellow in here. 
He was from San Antonio too. One day he 
came to me and asked me for a compass and 
chain. He said he would like to work a little. 
Well, I gave it to him. He ran around for sev- 
eral weeks surveying my dominions, than he sat 
for two weeks in a corner making calculations. 


184 


IGNIS FA TUUS. 


After he was through, that miserable fellow had 
the brass to come to me and tell me — yes tell 
meV exclaimed Satan with fierce looking eyes, 
and shaking his fist under my nose, ‘came to me 
and told me I had to move hell, because it en- 
croached on some one else’s property.’ ” 

















































































































■ 






























































































































“Must Have a Wife Again.” 


On a certain day in the month of November, 
A. D. 1880, a farm- wagon drawn by two large, 
strong horses was going along one of the streets 
in the southern part of the city of San Antonio. 
The sole occupant of the wagon was George 
Brown, a farmer, apparently about forty years 
of age, small in statue but broad shouldered 
and strong. His callous hands indicated that he 
was used to hard work. It was noon time when 
he stopped in front of a small frame house, over 
the door of which a huge umbrella was displayed, 
under which, on a crude, painted sign could be 
read: “A. Gieslic, Umbrella Manufacturer.” 

“Hello!” cried Brown as he halted with his 
team in front of the door. 

A small, wrinkled old woman appeared. 

M What do you wish? — my goodness, if this 
ain’t Brown ! By all the saints, where do you 
come from ? Why, this is really a strange visit. 


1 90 MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 


Oh, yes; I must call Caspar at once. Caspar — 
Caspar — Casp-a-r ! ’ ’ 

“Well, well — why do you hollow so loudly? 
Here I am; what do you want?” uttered a slim, 
little man. 

“Why, my goodness, just come here; here is 
Brown !" 

“Well, well Brown — if this isn’t a strange 
visit !” exclaimed Mr. Gieslic. 

“How goes it with you ?” said Brown, who in 
the mean time had gotten out of the wagon, giv- 
ing both of them a hearty shake of the hand. 

“We are getting along very well,” said Mrs. 
Gieslic, “thank you, but where is Catharine, 
your wife ? Why didn’t she come along ?” 

“Yes — my wife,” answered Brown while' 
shaking his head, “my poor Catharine.” 

“Oh, my ; what is the matter with her?” 

“She is — but I will unhitch my horses first. 
Afterwards, in the house, I will tell you all 
about her.” 

After the horses had been unharnessed and fed 
all three went in the house together. 

“Now tell us quick, what is the matter with 
Catharine?” exclaimed the little woman inquir- 
ingly, as she seated herself. 

“She is dead.,’ 


MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 191 


“My Lord! — de-a-d ? cried Mrs. Gieslic, 
clasping her hands, while her husband with open 
mouth and folded arms sat speechless with face 
plainly displaying great consternation and sur- 
prise. 

“Yes, she died, and it is a week ago to-day 
that we buried her.” 

“Catharine is— dead !” again cried Mrs. Gies- 
lic, “dead. Oh, my — I cannot realize it. And 
what about the children?” 

“They did not die; they are all alive.” 

“All?” 

“Yes; all ten are alive.” 

“What was the cause of Catharine’s death?” 

“In confinement.” 

“In childbed again ! — so soon ? Oh, my, the 
poor thing.” 

“How old was she?” 

“Thirty-five.” 

“Thirty-five? Then the poor thing might 
have lived a long time yet. But what are you 
going to do with so many children; how are you 
getting along with them?” 

“Badly, very badly, Mrs. Gieslic. The wife 
is wanting in all parts of the house. True, the 
oldest girl is about twelve years old, and she 


1 92 MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 


understands a little about cooking; but it is not 
the same as if the mother, the housewife, was 
there. To manage a farm without a housewife is 
impossible; and that is why I have come to you 
to help me out of the difficulty. I am aware 
that you have procured places for many servant 
girls and are doing so still, and I am sure you 
know some one who will come with me on the 
farm. ’ ’ 

“Oh, my goodness — poor Catharine ! You 
want me to help you to a — you want to get ’’ 

“Well, well, well,” interrupted Mr. Gieslic, 
“to get married again.” 

“Yes, that is what I want. I am compelled to 
have a wife again.” 

“Oh my — poor Catharine; to die so young, and 
now— now, so soon after you want to get mar- 
ried again. And you want me to find you a 
— wife! But you surely do not mean right 
away?” 

“I would like, Mrs. Gieslic, to take one home 
with me to-morrow. It looks hard for me to say 
this, so soon after Catharine’s' death, but my 
little ones need care that I cannot give them be- 
sides attending to my work.” 

This crafty reply worked upon the feeling of 
Mrs. Gieslic, who, looking up, replied: 

“But that cannot be done in a hurry.” 


MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN . 193 


“You can, if you only want to. I know you 
to be a smart and sensible woman and it will be 
no trouble for you to find a wife for me.” 

“I — well, yes,” answered Mrs. Gieslic, flat- 
tered by the last remarks, “I will do my best — 
wait a moment,” saying which she put the fore- 
finger of her right hand to her nasal organ, and 
while rubbing the same seemed to be lost in deep 
thought. After a few minutes she jumped up, 
exclaiming: “I have it! I have it! I have a 
pair of them, and I .will hunt them up at once 
and see if one will catch at the bait. It is now 
one o’clock and I will surely find them at home.” 

“You see,” said Brown, “I was right to come 
to you; I knew that you would find something 
for me.” 

“Yes, yes; I will do my best for the sake of 
those poor children. Oh my, poor Catharine — 
that she had to — but I must hurry away or I will 
not find my maids of the kitchen at their homes; 
I will be back in about an hour.” 

“Good,” said Brown. “In the mean time I 
will go up town and make my purchases and at- 
tend to business.” 

“Oh my, but with this little tattle we are mak- 
ing no progress,” said Mrs. Gieslic. 

“Well, well, well — what am I to do in the 
mean time?” exclaimed Mr. Gieslic, who had 


i 9 4 MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 


listened with open mouth and astonishment to 
the dialogue of the two. 

“You? You need not do anything; you stay 
here and watch the house, and — hold, you make 
a fire and some coffee, so that when I come back 
I may have a drop of coffee. Oh my, Brown, 
you havn’t had anything to eat yet!” 

“Well, that doesn’t matter; I’m not hungry, 
and in my present mood, I couldn’t eat anything 
nohow.” 

“No? Well, then, good bye; don’t forget the 
coffee,” called Mrs. Gieslic to her husband as 
she hurried off. 


Two hours later the clock struck three, Brown 
came back from his business in the city. 

“Well, well, well,” exclaimed Gieslic, who 
was waiting for Brown in front of the house. 
“Come with me at once. My wife told me to 
look out for you and lead you to our bed room, 
because — well, well, well — she has one in the 
front room now.” 

While he was sqeezing Brown’s arm, the later 
followed Gieslic, full of expectation, into the 
sleeping apartment; and they had hardly entered 
when Mrs. Gieslic stepped in out of the parlor 
and carefully closed the door. 


MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 195 


“Oh my; where have you been all this time? 
I’ll tell you what, I have had a world of trouble. 
I was at four different places and all four girls 
promised to come here this afternoon. One is 
here now, in there,” pointing to the parlor. 
“Now, you go in and see what you can do.” 

“I — I can — how does she look? I can’t — see 
what a condition I’m in. I must wash myself 
and arrrange my clothes a little.” 

“What! You old sinner, you want to dress 
up already! March in there at once!” exclaimed 
Mrs. Gieslic, while she pulled Brown to the 
door, and opening the same, attempted to push 
him in. But that was not easily accomplished, 
as Brown, was very strong, and, feeling his cour- 
age fail at the eleventh hour, made an al- 
most desperate resistance. At this state of af- 
fairs, Mr. Gieslic came to the aid of his wife, 
and the two jointly succeeded in pushing Brown 
into the parlor, closing the door after him. 

“Now, you hold the door tight, so that he 
can’t come out again,” said Mrs. Gieslic, “I 
will see what is going on through the keyhole.” 

Brown, who had got into the room thus uncer- 
emoniously, saw himself at once in the presence 
of a good-looking young girl, dressed in the 
latest fashion. She was slender but well built, 
even a little taller than himself, and might have 
been eighteen years of age. She had walked the 


1 96 MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 


floor in a restless and fidgety kind of manner, 
but stood now still and examined Brown with 
undisguised astonishment. 

“Good — good — good evening,” Brown at last 
succeeded in ejaculating. 

“Good evening,” said the girl. 

“I — I — want — I have — have heard that — that 
you — you wish to get married.” 

“I? Yes, well yes — I wish to get married. 
That is. provided the man suits me. Where is 
he — maybe it is your son?” 

“My son! No — I — I am the — one.” 

“What, you? You want to get married? Why 
you are old enough to be my grandfather. I 
really believe Mrs. Gieslic has lost her mind, to 
expect me — yes, me — to marry such a dirty 
thing! Yes, indeed,” continued the girl, her 
face red with anger, “yes, truly. Ha — me marry 
such a thing as that? — I’d rather remain single 
all my life — yes, ten times rather! But I don’t 
need to. I’ll get a husband any time if I want 
to get married,” she continued, her excitement 
increasing, while she was swinging her parasol 
backwards and forwards in dangerous proximity 
to his nose, filling Brown with such fear as to 
make him retreat several steps. “Now, you 
bear in mind, if I want to get married, I’ll take 
one whom I like, but not such an old night-owl 


MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 197 

as you. Good bye.” With these words she 
rushed out of the door. 

“Oh my!” cried Mrs. Gieslic, who came run- 
ning into the front room. ‘‘Oh my, that mean 
thing of a woman; hasn’t she a mouthpiece 
though? Just let her come again and want me 
to get her a place; I’ll place her. Console your- 
self,” continued Mrs. Gieslic, turning and ad- 
dressing Brown, who still stood speechless and 
covered with consternation and fear. “Do not 
take that to heart, three more are coming. I 
am sure, there will be one among them. I really 
have to sit down — that impudent woman has 
gone through my bones and marrow. Night- 
owl, dirty — though with the latter she is not so 
very wrong. Quick, Casper, bring the clothes 
brush. There it lies — over yonder. Here, quick, 
brush your pants; there, now, Brown, haven’t 
you any eyes in your head? There; that is 
right. Casper, quick; your brown coat — quick! 
Oh my — bring your brown coat, I said. You 
make me crazy. Get you brown coat. There 
now, Brown, slip this on quick.” 

“But that coat is much too small for me.” 

‘‘That’&nothing; that’ll go on all right. Here, 
here is the sleeve — now into it — hup — so — now 
the other one; here it is. Oh my; don’t look so 
clumsy and awkward. Now pull. Here, Cas- 
per, help — hup. Now, you see. You look ten 


4 


198 MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAEV. 


times better already. Oh, jerum — how dirty your 
boots are; they are quiet red. Casper, bring the 
blacking and brush —quick. Jeminee — will 
you bring the blacking and brush? Quick! 
It is really unendurable with that man. There, 
have you got them? Well, then, stoop down 
quick and polish Brown’s boots. Here — that is it. 
Spit on the brush a little more— hurry up! — that 
is right; here a little more. Ah! — you look like 
a gentleman already, only that beard looks 
rough and rugged. Casper, hand that blacking 
brush; I want to 

“For God’s sake, Mrs. Gieslic, you do not 
intend to paint my beard with blacking?’’ 

“Most assuredly I do. Those women folks 
are here like in all the rest of the world; they 
want to be deceived. Now stand and keep still; 
otherwise will smear it all over your face.’’ 

“But if ” 

“Quit your ifs and butsor I’ll let you go home 
without a wife ! Now the eyebrows want a 
little. Ah, now you really look ten years 
younger ! But why do you stretch out your 
arm as if you wanted to fly ?’’ 

“I cannot do otherwise; the coat is too small.” 

“Well, you have to stand that. There are lots 
of men who have to stand a great deal more until 
they have caught a wife. Oh, my! I hear 


MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 


199 


another one coming already. Quick, into the 
bedroom !” 

Without resistence he allowed himself to be 
pushed into the room, followed by Mr. Gieslic. 
Mrs. Gieslic locked the door after them. Pres- 
ently she came in, too. 

“Now go in; there is one in there who I think 
will jump at the bait,” she said to Brown. 

“Heavens ! I am getting to be fearfully un- 
easy already.” 

“What, Brown, ain’t you ashamed of yourself 
in your old days to become afraid of a woman ? 
Be brave — in with you ! ‘Faint heart never won 
fair lady.” 

“But if this one treats me to a lecture such as 
the first one gave me ?” 

‘ ‘This one will not do that, because I have 
already told her all about you; that you were 
forty years old, that you are a farmer — and yet 
she is willing. Consequently go in boldly and 
plead your cause.” 

Again was Brown pushed into the other room 
by the old couple. 

The girl, who confronted Brown this time, 
might have been twenty-two years old, just as 
large as the first one, only a little stronger built; 
blonde hair, and large blue eyes with which she 


200 MUST HAVE A WIFE AGAIN. 


scrutinized Brown carefully. Her dress was of 
modern style. 

“Good — good evening!” stammered Brown. 

“Good evening.” 

“I — I have — Mrs. Gieslic has told me, that 
you wish to marry — m — me?” 

“Yes.” 

“My name is Brown — George Brown.” 

“Yes, Mrs. Gieslic already told me that.” 

“I — I live on a farm.” 

“I also know that and have no objections 
whatever to a farm, provided everything else 
suits. How far do you live from the city ?” 

“I live ten miles from Castro ville and forty 
miles from San Antonio.” 

“Forty miles from San Antonio! That is 
certainly a good distance. We will not be able 
to come to town every day.” 

“No, surely not.” 

*'Well, that really would not be any serious 
drawback, but we could go every two or three 
days I suppose. I am very fond of playing on 
the piano. Of course you have one at home?” 

“No; I have no piano.” 

“No ! Well, then, you will have to buy one; 


MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 201 


for without a piano I cannot live on a farm. 
Will you do that?” 

‘‘I — I don’t know.” 

* 

‘‘You don’t know ? Then it is perfectly useless 
for us to continue our negotiations; I just won’t 
go along ! I wouldn’t marry any man, who 
would not care for, or love me enough, to buy 
me a piano.” 

‘‘I will buy one !” 

“Ah, that is handsome of you ! Now I’ll go 
along with pleasure. Hold — one thing more; 
you have dances and balls on the farm, for I am 
passionately fond of dancing ?” 

“Yes; sometimes they get up a dance at one of 
the neighbors’.” 

“Oh, that will be nice; of course you dance?” 

“I danced formerly.” 

“Ah, that is all just as I would like to have 
it ! To drive to town, to play on the piano, to 
dance — oh, we will have such a good time ! I’ll 
marry at once if you wish. Have you cows?” 

“Yes.” 

“Ah, that is also nice! We will take some 
one who knows how to milk and is familiar with 
the manner of handling cows. I know a young- 
man, who understands it thoroughly. We’ll take 
him. The little cooking necessary for us, I’ll 


202 MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 


attend to in the beginning, until we can get a 
servant. We are only three persons, and every- 
thing seems to match splendidly! Don’t it?” 

“No, that won’t do.” 

“No! And why not ?” 

“Because I am not rich ehough to keep a ser- 
vant, and because I am — I am not alone.” 

“What? You can’t even keep one servant? So 
then you probably expect me to milk the cows 
myself? And why are you not alone — who is 
with you ?” 

“My — my children.” 

“What ! You have children — you have child- 
ren; how many?” 

“Ten.” 

“Great heavens — ten children ! Ten children, 
and you wretched, poor old sinner,” the girl 
continued, stepping nearer with both arms 
akimbo, addressing Brown, who was now in a 
state of perspiration from fear; “you old sinner 
with your ten satellites, and so poor that you 
can’t keep a servant, you have the brazen 
audacity to wish to marry me — me — an innocent 
young girl who can play on the piano? You — 
you ! Ha, it would be delightful, sitting at the 
open instrument playing a fantassma by Beard- 
hoven with your ten satellites arohnd me, or 


MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 


203 


going to a ball holding one young one by the 
right hand, another by the left, with a third on 
my back and the others crying, noisy and 
hollowing, pulling on my dress ! Good gracious! 
Such unheard insolence has never been offered 
me in all my life ! Ha, what do I see ? You 
have dyed your beard and eyebrows to deceive 
innocent young girls? Come here, now !” The 
girl took hold of Brown and led him to the look- 
ing glass. “There!” she exclaimed, “look in 
there, you black-dyed old swindler, you !” 

With a glance in the glass Brown saw his 
deadly pale face, covered all over with black 
streaks, staring at him. With two bounds he 
reached the bedroom door, tore it open and dis- 
appeared. 

It was really lucky that the scheming Mrs. 
Gieslic had watched the proceedings through 
the keyhole and consequently had just time to 
withdraw when Brown made his mad rush for the 
door. But Mr. Gieslic, who was near her, 
being somewhat slow, received a sound hit on 
the nose from the door, which straightened him 
out with his feet in the air. 

“Oh, my! Oh, my!” exclaimed Mrs. Gies- 
lic, gesticulating and clasping her hands above 
her head. Then quickly running to the front 
room, where she did not find the girl. “Oh, my, 
my — how proud, sly and crafty are the young 


204 MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 


girls of the present day ! What mouthpieces 
they are possessed of — great goodness ! One 
really gets alarmingly uneasy ! Here, Brown; 
here is water, take a good wash. I will — ah, I 
hear some one coming!” 

Mrs. Gieslic went into the front room and in 
a little while returned with her face all smiles. 

“Brown,” she said to him, who in the mean- 
time had pulled off the coat of Gieslic and taken 
a wash; “Brown, this time we have the right 
one !” 

“I have had enough, • Mrs. Gieslic, said 
Brown, resignedly; “I have had quite enough 
I’ll give it up.” 

“What ! Now — now when we have one who 
acquiesces and is satisfied with everything ! You 
want to give up ?” 

“Did you tell her everything?” 

“Most assuredly? I told her you was a 
widower, that you was forty years old, that you 
had ten children and lived on a farm.” 

“Did you tell her all that?” 

“Yes; and she is satisfied and contented with 
all of it.” 

“Well — I will risk it once more; but this much 
I will tell you : If this girl fails me, I’ll give it 
up.” 


MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 205 


Brown walked towards the door, but halted 
before going in. 

“My — if — if this one should treat me in the 
same way as the others?” 

“This one will not do so,” said Mrs. Gieslic; 
“she is craving for a husband. Just go in !” 

Again Gieslic had to aid his wife to push 
Brown into the other room. 

A very young girl, she might have been about 
seventeen years old, good looking, of the petite 
style, was sitting on a chair in the room which 
Brown had been ushered. She woie a plain 
calico dress and her hat only — a high straw hat 
— decorated with a large plume, would attract 
special attention. When Brown first stepped 
into the room she cast one quick glance on him, 
hen she bent her head and looked at her hands 
in which, in apparent excitement, she was turn- 
ing over and over her closed up parasol. 

“I — Mrs. Gieslic has told me — that— you 
would like to get married,” said Brown. 

Without looking up, the girl nodded with her 
head, and by. this action, the large plume, 
which stood upright while the girl’s head was 
bent, began to wave and, swinging forward, 
seemed to corroborate the opinion of its owner. 

“Mrs. Gieslic has really told you— that I am 


206 MUST HA VE A WIFE AGA/JV. 


forty yearss old — that I am a farmer and have 
ten children?” 

The plume gave several affirmative nods. 

“You are not afraid to marry me?” 

The plume made a right and left motion with 
negative intent. 

“Good! If you are pleased with everything, 
we can arrange the whole matter this afternoon; 
I mean the marriage, because I must go back 
home to-morrow morning.” 

The plume nodded consent. 

“Good; I will tell Mrs. Gieslic that every- 
thing is all right. I’ll be back in a moment,” 
said Brown and quickly went into the bedroom. 

“Now, did I not tell you that this one would 
take the bait,” with these words Mrs. Gieslic 
received him. “Well, thank goodness that you 
have one at last.” 

“But, for heaven’s sake, is the girl dumb?” 
asked Brown. 

“Oh my; she dumb? Just let her get ac- 
quainted with you, you’ll find that she has a 
mouthpiece like a millwheel. Jerum, she 
dumb!” 

“Well, then everything i§ as it should be.” 

“I should smile. You ought to be glad to get 


MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 207 

such a nice little wife, you old sinner, you. But 
now come along with me to the girl.” 

They all three went in the front room, where 
the girl was still sitting on her chair. 

“Now, that is sensible of you,” said Mrs. 
Gieslic to her, “that you are going to marry 
Mr. Brown. You will get a good, excellent and 
honest husband. I think you had better settle 
the whole matter at one. It is now four o’clock; 
if you both go at once to the court house, you 
will find the official there yet. You get the 
license and then go to the Justice of the Peace, 
who will marry you and the whole thing will be 
over. Casper, you go along with them; they 
need a witness, anyway.” 


A short time afterwards they were on their 
way to the court house. Old Mr. Gieslic walk- 
ing in front, smiling and grining with inward 
pleasure, followed by Brown and the silent girl. 
All attempts of Brown to induce her to speak 
were fruitless; but he did notice, when she 
thought herself unobserved, that she cast sly 
observing glances at him. Soon after, they 
turned into Soledad street, when but a few steps 
more brought them to the court house. Here 
the girl lingered. 


208 MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 


“Well, well,” said Gieslic, who noticed her 
delay, “if you don’t like to go into the court 
house, you may wait outside while we are get- 
ting the license, which we can get without you; 
but you have to be with us at the Justice’s office 
afterwards. Will you wait here outside?” 

The girl nodded affirmatively. 

“Well, well, then wait here. You might walk 
up and down the street. We will be back soon.” 

Gieslic and Brown now hurried into the court 
house and presented themselves to the official 
who issues marriage licenses. 

“Mr. Gieslic, what can I do for you?” asked 
the officers. 

“My friend Brown, here, wants to get a mar- 
riage license.” 

“All right, sir.” 

He took down a large book, opened it, pen in 
hand, .saying: “Now we can go it. What is 
your name?” 

“George Brown.” 

“All right: I have it. Now your bride, what 
is her name?” 

“Her name — what is her name?” asked Brown 
of Gieslic. 

“I do not know myself,” was the answer. 


MUST HA VE A WIFE AGAIN. 209 


Speechless, both looked at one another. 

“Well, that is curious,” said the official to 
Brown. “You want to get married and don’t 
know the name of the bride! Where is she?” 

“Well, well, she stands outside, in front of the 
court house,” cried Gieslic. 

“Well, then go and get her,” said the official. 

Both rushed to the street. They looked up 
and down the street; they ran lip and down the 
street; they looked and ran in all side streets — 
but the girl was nowhere to be seen. 

“Well, well,” exclaimed Gieslic when they re-, 
turned, breathless, to the front of the court 
house, “she— she got scared — and — has run 
away.” 

“But, for mercy sake, what are we to do now?” 
exclaimed Brown in despair. 

“Well, well — I’d like to kno\* that myself.” 

“Mr. Gieslic,” here said a girl, who had 
come along the street, “Mr. Gieslic, your wife 
sends me to you.” 

“To me? Then you must be one of those girls 
who wants to get married?” 

“Yes,” she answered somewhat bashfully. 

“Come along, quick — come!” cried Gieslic, 
and taking the girl by her left arm, while 


2io MUST HAVE A WIFE AGAIN. 


Brown took hold of her right one, they pulled 
her along into the court house. 

“Well, well,” cried Gieslic to the official, 
“here we have one.” 

“All right. What is your name?” 

“Pauline Doby.” 

“How old?” 

“Twenty-four years.” 

Twd minutes later the license was handed * to 
Brown. 

“Well, well.” said Gieslic, “now we can go 
.to the Justice of the Peace.” 

“Yes,” said the official, “with this paper 
in their possession any Justice will marry 
them.” 

Again they got hold of the girl’s arms and 
dragged her to the office of the Justice of the 
Peace, and ten minutes later Brown had — “A 
Wife Again.” 










“ Love and Politics 


0 * 

4 


\ 




“LOVE AND POLITICS.” 


“Well, my boy, you wish to know what I 
have to say about your getting married ? It is 
simply this : I will never consent to your 
wedding the daughter of such a contemptible 
scoundred as Jones. You are well aware of his 
publicly calling me a reprobate and an ass, be- 
cause, like himself, I would not desert the re- 
publican party and go into the ranks of democ- 
racy. When the war was over and our armies 
were disbanded, we returned, to find our stock 
driven off and the houses of our parents plun- 
dered by marauding bands of democrats. It was 
then and there this man and I swore vengeance 
against all democrats ! How did Jones keep his 
oath ? Look at his record and see for yourself. 
To-day he is a member of the democratic party! 
Being questioned by me on the subject, he gave 
the flimsy excuse that the republican party, not 
being to-day what it was when he and I risked 
our lives to maintain its principles, he could no 
longer give it his support. He even went so far 
as to denounce the leaders of that grand old 
party as a set of inconsistent, corrupt anjd hungry 
office-seekers; and more astonishing still, he 


2l6 


LOVE AND POLITICS. . 


actually denied belonging to the democratic 
party; said he had only joined the great mass of 
independent people. That is Jones ! He dis- 
claims being a democrat, while voting with them 
and for them. To think of such a hypocrite 
calling me a reprobate and an ass !” 

“But, father, I hope you do not hold his 
daughter responsible for such conduct ?” 

“No, my son, I do not. Yet I know too well 
the unhappy results of marriages where the pa- 
rents of both parties are at enmity; no good ever 
cofnes of such. Lizzie is a good girl and were 
she not the offspring pf such a man, I would 
willingly give my consent. But as it is, never ! 
Just so sure as I will never vote for a democrat, 
equally sure you may be that I will never con- 
sent to such a union. There — now you have my 
decision.” 

Knowing my father’s disposition, I felt it 
would be useless to argue with him any longer, 
so I walked out of his room. In the hall I met 
my mother awaiting me. With tears in her 
eyes,- embracing me, she softly said : “Bob, my 
dear boy, do not take this matter so hard. Come, 
come with me to my room.” 

Listlessly, I complied with her request. 

“Now, sit down here, Bob,” she continued, 
seating herself near me and clasping my hands 


LOVE AND POLITICS . 


217 


in hers. “I feared it would result in this, as 
your father is a high-spirited, wholesoul man, 
and the insults given by Jones, in moments of 
passion, I fear he will never forgive or forget. 
Oh, wretched politics!” she exclaimed; “think of 
its separating two such good men as your father 
and Mr. Jones! And now their poor children 
have to suffer the consequence. What do you 
intend to do now, Bob?” 

“I do not know.” 

“Nor do I, Bob. It is certain your father will 
never give his consent. Bob, would it not be 
best — I — I do not like to speak to you in that 
way on such a painful subject, but would it not 
be best for you to give — to give up all hopes of 
marrying Lizzie? You are young and in youth 
it is easy to forget. Take a trip; travel about 
and see something of the world. I shall speak 
to your father about it. Don’t you think it a 
good idea, Bob?” 

“I cannot say, mother.” 

“Well, think of it, my son. Say you will 
make the attempt, just for my sake, and try and 
be again my bright and happy boy.” 

“Yes, mother, I will try; but for the present 
please permit me to go to my room. ’ ’ 

“All right, Bob, go.” 

Despondently I went to my room and taking a 


2 1 8 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


seat near an open window, sat gazing into space. 
Thus I sat for hours, until the striking of the 
old house clock reminded me that it was time to 
keep the appointment I had made to meet Lizzie 
beneath the arbor in her father’s garden. 

The Jones farm was about three miles from 
ours, so saddling my horse and springing upon 
him, I rode swiftly to the shady retreat of my 
lady love whom I fonnd waiting; and coming 
anxiously forward as I dismounted, the poor 
girl, alarmed no doubt at the expression of my 
face, exclaimed: “Bob, what is the matter! 
Are you sick?” 

“No, I am not sick.” 

“Well, what is wrong.? Why are you walking 
so slow and looking so pale?” 

“Lizze, I have asked father about you — you 
and me.” 

“And?” 

“He is opposed to it.” 

“And?” 

“Said he wonld never give his consent.” 

“And?” 

“Yes, and! Is not that enough,” I exclaimed,, 
at the same time feeling as if a mist had come 
over my eyes. 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


219 


“Oh, my! Oh, Bob! What did your mother 
say about it?” 

“She said that under the circumstances it 
would be best to give you up. But there — now, 
Lizzie, you are crying. Please, my darling, I « 
cannot bear to see you weep. ’ ’ 

“I am not.” 

“Yes, you are, Lizzie.” 

“And you,” interrupted the sobbing girl, 
“you call youself a man, and I see tears in 
yours eyes. If — if your mother says we — we 
must separate, so — so let it be.” 

“If you think so Lizzie?” 

“Yes, yes; and — and we will part — part for- 
ever. Good bye, Bob — good bye.” 

“Lizzie, Lizzie; stay a moment. Surely you 
are not going to leave me in this manner. With- 
out at least a shake of the hand; so — so, and now 
give me one farewell kiss.” 

It’s needless to say, that farewell kiss had 
many duplicates and ere the lapse of many mo- 
ments we had plighted eternal troth to each other. 
How could it be otherwise? When I gazed upon 
those bright eyes, beaming with tender love from 
the pure and innocent face of my Lizzie, ’twas 
then I ceased to think for awhile of father and 
mother, or the whole world besides. 


220 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


“Darling, rather than give you up I would 
sooner plunge in yonder river and drown myself 
and sorrow.” 

“Oh, Bob, how can you talk so silly. To 
think you could drown your sorrow, while by the 
mad act you would simply heap a burden of grief 
and shame upon your parents and myself. ’ ’ 

“My darling, forgive me for the suggestion. 
But let us now consider what is best to be done.” 

“We will wait, Bob. I am willing to wait to 
the end of my life. Come, Bob, let us go to my 
parents and explain everything to them and see 
what they have to say.” 

Acting upon this suggestion, we went, and 
upon our arrival at the house, Uizzie related the 
whole affair to her father and mother, not even 
omitting to tell them that I had an idea of jump- 
ing into the river. 

Mr. Jones gave me a severe lecture. Among 
other remarks he said that my father was and is 
a man of honor and that such a deed, from an 
only son, would be the cause of untold sorrow 
and grief to my parents. 

When, later, I prepared to take leave and ride 
home, I had to promise Mr. Jones never to enter- 
tain such thoughts again. Upon arriving home, 
I found my mother on the porch waiting for me, 
and to her I unburdened my heavy heart by 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


221 


truthfully stating everything that had trans- 
pired. 

“My son,” she said, “I know Jones to be a 
good man and one who harbors no malice or evil 
toward us, and your father nry yet become con- 
vinced of this fact. So have courage, my boy. 
The merciful Creator will bring all things about 
for the best. ’ ’ 


It so happened that at this time there was a 
great deal of faork to be done on the farm and in 
order to forget my trouble I worked incessantly. 
My father had but little to say and went about 
the farm in an absent minded manner, looking 
as though he had lost something. This pecu- 
liarity lasted several days, when it suddenly took 
a change and he would spend hours and days at 
his desk, writing letters. I had to carry his 
mail to the postoffic and was surprised to see the 
letters directed to almost every important city in 
the United States. I also noticed the address of 
men who had once been prominent leaders of the 
republican party. It was not long before 
answers to these letters began to come in. 

About two weeks after my “unlucky day” my 
father informed me of his intention of taking a 
trip to attend certain political conventions or 
gatherings. Being absent about a week he re- 


222 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


turned only to stay a short time and go again on 
some similar occasion. It was during his ab- 
sence on one of these trips that I sojd several 
head of beeves to a butcher, and while putting 
the money in my father’s desk I saw all the 
lately received mail lying open, letters and 
printed circulars headed : “Force Bills.” 

I could not resist the temptation to read some 
of the letters. The first one I took came from 
Kerrville, Texas, and read as follows : 

Dear Friend — Your letter to hand. 'You ask 
me about the tariff on wool. Well, I think it is 
a good thing for us sheepraisers. We are cer- 
tainly not against it, so long as we are benefitted 
by it. You further ask, if the tariff on wool is 
not a great wrong towards our poor people, as it 
raises the value of woolen goods. Well, as you 
asked me to tell you, as a friend, nothing but the 
truth, so I will answer accordingly. Yes, the 
tariff on wool will certainly raise the value of 
woolen goods. Your assertion that this is wrong 
towards our poor people may be right. But you 
know there is a great many things wrong in this 
world, which we, that is, you and I, can not 
change. In answer to yohr question as to what 
workmen or help we employ, I have to say that 
we employ certainly the cheapest help we can 
get, that is, the Mexican peons. We pay to 
them eight to ten dollars per month. In regard 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


223 


to your last question, I have to admit that sheep- 
raising, without p tariff on wool, is still profit- 
able 

Yours truly, 

R. Barneel. 


Another letter, from our city, reads thus : 

My Dear Odd Friend — It gives me great 
pleasure to answer your letter of the 6th inst. 
You ask me what I, being a wholesale dry goods 
merchant, think of high tariff. I say it is hum- 
bug. I say it is humbug if anybody says that 
high tariff is beneficial to the poor people. High 
tariff is only to the benefit of the manufacturer. 
You raise to-day the tariff, and the manufacturer 
will pocket the sum raised. He won’t give or 
pay his employes one cent more and will always 
try to get his workmen as cheap as he can. I 
would say nothing against high tariff if our 
manufacturers would make their goods as good 
or better than the imported, but I tell you we 
are really ashamed of the stuff we have to buy 
and sell to our people. 

What these political humbugers are saying 
about high tariff making high wages is all non- 
sense. Our workmen don’t want high wages. 
They need aud want cheaper living. That’s 
what they want. If a workman gets four dollars 
a day, and he needs four dollars to support him- 


224 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


self and family, he always will be a poor man. 
But if he gets only two dollars a day, and he 
can support himself and family with one dollar a 
day, then he can save a dollar. That is what 
the workman wants, cheap living, and therefore 
I say : Down with that high tariff. 

How are you getting along on your farm ? 
Did you have any rain ? 

Yours truly, 

R. Half. 

The next letter came from New Orleans and 
read as follows: 

My Dear Old Friend — You cannot imagine 
the unbounded pleasure it gave me to fiear from 
you, especially after so long a silence, and I 
regret very much, as I have to leave here to-day, 
that I will not have time to answer your letter in 
quite as lengthy a manner as I would like; but 
as I expect to be absent only a few days, I will 
content myself with this brief missive for the 
present and write you in full upon my return. I 
will therefore to-day confine myself to answering 
your questions in reference to our mayor, who 
commanded the battalion in which you and I 
served during the war. My dear friend, I am 
sorry to say, that, what you have heard concern- 
ing him, is only too true. Shortly after the war 
he married and resided here in New Orleans 


LOVE AND POLITICS . 


225 


until he received a position as assistant post- 
master in another city in this state. Notwith- 
standing the fact of his being a true republican, 
he was kept in office by the appointed postmaster 
under Cleveland’s administration, who looked 
more at the ability than the politics of our friend. 
The mayor’s eldest daughter, who filled the po- 
sition of clerk, was also retained. But, after the 
election of our present republican administration, 
we were astonished to learn that the President 
intended appointing a negro as postmaster to the 
office in which our mayor and daughter had 
served so faithfully. At first we could not be- 
lieve such news to be true, but finding it con- 
firmed by subsequent reports, the citizens sent a 
petition by a committee to Washington, while we, 
the old comrades of the mayor, sent several 
members from our association to help intercede 
with the President, that, if we could not get our 
mayor, that w T e might at least have a white man 
appointed as postmaster, but, all attempts proved 
futile and the negro was appointed. Of course 
our mayor and his daughter had to resign their 
positions. This was the work of a republican 
President. He also gave the fattest office in 
your state to a darkey by appointing him col- 
lector of the port at Galveston. How insolent 
some of this race are getting now a days. I read 
an article in one of the Memphis papers this 
morning which gives you a fair illustration. You 


226 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


know that annually hundreds of our wives and 
daughters, from the small school miss up to the 
gray-haired old grand-mother, are assaulted by 
black brutes. Of course an avenging nemesis 
follows in their immediate wake and they are 
hung to the nearest tree. There is now, or was, 
a negro editor in Memphis who wrote that the 
hanging of these darkies was a shame, as they 
were lured on to commit these crimes by the 
loose character of the white women. Is not this 
the greatest insult ever hurled at our wives and 
daughters? Even should a w T hite man dare 
write such stuff, he would deserve the gallows 
ten fold. Now do not understand me to say that 
I am a negro hater, for I have known many 
brave, honest and intellectual men of color, and 
I cannot hate a race for whom I fought that 
they might be free. But when it comes to the 
question of who shall rule our beautiful country, 
there is but one answer: the white man; and 
should a man, in his efforts to retain office, try 
to elevate the negro above his own kind, then 
I would emphatically say: Turn him out! For 
we all know that the action of such men would 
certainly lead to a bloody war of races. My 
friend, after reading the foregoing, you must not 
be surprised when I tell you that in the coming 
election this year, I expect to vote for the dem- 
ocratic candidate. Perhaps you will censure me 
for this, but I am thoroughly convinced he is the 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


227 


man we need and will have the interest of our 
country at heart, in looking to the welfare of its 
citizens, regardless of color, and should he be 
elected I predict a bright and prosperous future. 

I must now close in order to fulfill my ap- 
pointment. Hoping you will yet look at this 
political chaos in its proper light, I remain, 

Your true friend, 

R. D. Jackson. 

Carefully replacing these letters and locking 
the desk,|I rode over to see Lizzie and her par- 
ents and related to them what I had dibcoverd. 
Upon hearing it, Mr. Jones jumped up and grasp- 
ing my hand exclaimed: “Courage, my boy, 
all will now go well. When your father sees 
for himself how the republican party is being 
used; when he sees that the white republicans 
here in Texas have no voice or control, and when 
he observes these hungry office seekers and dem- 
agogues, who are now the leaders of the republi- 
can party, then, my boy, your father will ac- 
knowledge that I was not so wrong after all.” 

I retured home that evening with a lighter 
heart, and feeling as though a light were about 
to shine through the gloom. 


228 


LOVE AND POLITICS . 


After an absence of four weeks my father re- 
turned. On the same evening, after supper, I 
repaired to his room to consult with him about 
some work that had to be done on our farm. To 
my surprise I found him sitting in the dark, 
near an open window. He motioned me to be 
silent. He was listening to the conversation of 
our hired negroes, who were sitting in front of 
their cabin, not far from the window. 

“Yes,” one of them continued, “you bet your 
bottom dollar, Cuney is a smart man, and dare 
ain’t a man, neither republican or democrat, 
who kin git ahead of dat nigger, when it come 
down to sharp points. You ought to have heard 
him explain the ‘ Force Bill.’ ” 

“What is that?” asked another. “I hav£ 
heard a great deal about it, but don’t know what 
it all means. ’ ’ 

“Well, I kin tell you mighty, plain what it 
means,” said the first speaker. “It means we 
niggers here in the South will git on top if we 
•stand together. The republican leaders knows 
we have a big majority in some of the states 
down here in the South, and they want them 
.states ruled by us, because it will make them 
solid in the White House. The Force Bill will 
help us to our right and we will get it because 
we have the army to back us. To some of those 
big-mouthed white republicans we will give 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


229 


some of the offices, and that, you see, will make 
them vote atid work with us and bring over the 
mass of white republicans. I tell you, boys, you 
don’t know what all this Force Bill means for us 
niggers. The railroad coach law would be done 
away with and we would have as much right to 
set in any car we pleased as the white man. 
Boys, if we rule here in the South, you will see 
the time come when them proud, stuck-up white 
women would be glad if a colored man would 
want to marry them, and ’ 

At this junction my father jumped up and with 
a muttered imprecation walked rapidly back and 
forth in the room, then stopping suddenly in 
front of me, asked in the most abrupt manner 
what I wanted to see him about. 

“Father,” I replied, “I wished to speak to 
you about some work to be done on our farm.” 

“Very well. Meet me in the parlor; I will be 
there after a while.” 


The next morning my father rode off without 
saying where he intended to go. Upon return- 
ing from work at noon, I heard mother, who was 
busy in the kitchen, humming a merry tune. I 
knew something extraordinary had occured to 
bring about such a change in her, and hastened 
to assertain the cause. My inquisitive expres- 


230 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


sion asked the question tongue did not need to ut- 
ter, for seeing me and looking me squarely in the 
face, mother said: “I see, my dear boy, you 
would like to know what makes your old mother 
feel happy, and to gratify your curiosity I will 
inform you we are going to have company this 
evening.” 

“Company! And is that all, mother, that 
makes you so happy?” 

“Yes, my truant, when I tell you it is the 
J ones. ’ ’ 

“Jones! Why, mother — impossible! You 
know ” 

“Hush, hush, my boy! I know your father 
was there this morning and invited them to 
spend the evening with us.” 

“And — and Lizzie?” 

“You goose! — as a matter of course she is 
coming. ’ ’ 

In the fullness of my delight I embraced my 
dear mother. 

“Where is father?” I enquired. 

“In his room .’ 1 

And to that room I hurried — making no at- 
tempt -to restrain my joy. He requested me to 
ask no one else to the house, as he wished to 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


231 


spend the evening with the Jones family alone. 
This request needed no repetition. 


At length the long looked for hour arrived and 
with it the Jones family. Father received them 
in the brightly lighted parlor, which had been 
decorated by mother and me for the occasion. It 
was really touching to witness the meeting be- 
tween those two men; and I knew full well by 
the earnest gaze each fixed on the other and the 
firm shake of the hands, that all old differences 
between them were forever buried. Then kissing 
Lizzie, while taking her hand and mine, father 
turned to Mr. and Mrs. Jones and said: “Let 
these two be happy!” Their answer came in the 
affirmative. My heart felt as if it had somehow 
worked itself up into my throat. 

“Now then, children, may you be happy,” 
said father, “and forgive the obstinacy of an old 
man who has caused you so much misery. 
And you, old friend,” addressing Jones, “forgive 
one, who was blind. For thirty years I have 
been a faithful adherent of the republican party 
and never thought to question the character of 
its leaders, taking it for granted, they were con- 
scientious men, who always worked for the wel- 
fare of our country. I have been sadly deceived 
and now — I see. Old friend, I am compelled to 


2 3 2 


LOVE AND POLITICS. 


admit you were right when you denounced the 
corruption that had crept into our ranks. I also 
must say it is not to-day the same party we 
fought for in the days of old. There was a time 
when I loved that grand old party; but now — I 
love my country more; and therefore, though 
with a heavy heart, I, too, join the ranks of the 
independents and will vote for a man of whom I 
now know, that the weal of our country is the sole 
desire of his heart, and this man is — Grover 
Cleveland.” 


















































































































1 

































































































4 


























































































































































































































DWELLERS IN CELESTIAL SPHERES.” 


<< 


On a hot, very hot day in July, 1891, we were 
-compelled to ride from San Antonio to Bandera. 
We, that is Mustang John and myself, had or- 
ders from our boss to proceed to that little town 
and take charge of a herd of cattle, which he had 
bought up there, and drive them back to San 
Antonio, from whence they were to be shipped 
to Chicago. This order, in itself, was nothing- 
extraordinary for us cowboys, therefore we sad- 
dled our horses and started on our way, which is 
fifty-five miles. However, Mustang John was 
severely afflicted with as acute a case of love- 
sickness as any June-bug. He, therefore, took 
the circuitous route by way of Boerne to call on 
the girl of his heart’s devotion. I would have 
gone with him, if only for the sake of company — 
for a cowboy has an antipathy to solitude — but 
to be witnessing the squeezing and kissing, and 
the upturned eyes, swimming in an imaginary 
paradise, of the two smitten victims of that little 
imp amor — thanks, none of it for me. Once I 
was the unwilling witness of such a scene, and it 
made me really feel desperately queer and awk- 
ward. I myself am the happiest of mortals 
when I can see my Susie and be in her company, 


238 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

but to be such sentimental simpletons as Mus- 
tang John and his girl — no, not by a long shot. 
Consequently I went alone and we agreed to 
meet at Bandera. 

It was a really hot day, excessively so. At 
one o’clock p. m. I had crossed the Helotes creek, 
where I had watered my horse, and concluded to 
take a short rest in the deep shade of k majestic 
live-oak, which stood at the foot of a mountain 
of considerable altitude. I took the saddle and 
bridle off of my horse and let him feed on the 
grass near by; took my saddle-bags, which con- 
tained a lunch, and, as I was in the act of un- 
packing the same, was suddenly accosted close 
behind by a voice. Surprised that I, with my 
well-trained sense of hearing, had not noticed 
even the least noise of nearing footsteps in this 
solitary prairie, I wheeled around, with one hand 
on the handle of my knife, when, lo and behold, 
before me stood a man — a man such as I had 
never seen before. Venerable looking, with gray 
head and beard of snowy whiteness, the later 
reaching down to his waist, tall and slender, 
with pleasant, though penetrating eyes, dressed 
in a black garb — this man created in me a most 
powerful impression. Slowly I relinquished the 
hold of my knife, and almost without knowing 
or thinking, I lifted my hat as a greeting. 

“Young man,” said the apparition with a firm 
but pleasant voice, “if you possess courage and 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 239 

determination and if you are capable of resisting 
any and all temptations, you are chosen to be- 
hold great and wonderful sights.” 

“Sir,” I said, ‘‘I hope you did not come here 
to insult me. You either know or should know, 
that a Texas cowboy neither lacks courage nor 
fears anything.” 

‘‘Good; you can prove your assertion. Now, 
if you wish to see, what mortal eye has never be- 
held, follow me; but once more I say to you, it 
requires great courage and determination to fol- 
low me and to surmount all dread of danger and 
to resist all temptations. Understand me well, / 
say , implicitly without faltering. ’ ’ 

‘‘Have no fear, sir,” T replied; ‘‘I am possessed 
of as much courage as you are. I shall follow 
you without hesitation of any kind whatsoever. 
But stop — say: Is there any money in it, if I go 
with you?” 

“I expected this question ! It is an inborn 
proclivity with you Americans in all things you 
wish to undertake first to ask: ‘Is there any 
money in it?” However, you asked and I shall 
answer you, and I say no. Money, you will get 
none; but I can assure you, that, for what you will 
see, thousands of mortals. would sacrifice all their 
worldly possessions!” 


240 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres . 

“Yes? You excite my curiosity. I ’ 11 go with 
you.” 

“What are you intending to do?” 

“I? Well, I’ll saddle my horse.” 

“It is not necessary. We only have a short 
distance to go.” 

“So be it; though I am no great friend of 
walking. But you have aroused my inquisitive 
tendencies. I will follow you.” 

“Very well ; come along. 

The old man turned around and walked 
towards the mountain. After the first hundred 
yards he turned at a right angle to the right; 
after a hundred yards more at 'another right 
angle to the left; yet a hundred yards, to the 
right, then, of a sudden what do I behold ? A 
grand, arched passage into the mountain. I 
was astonished. I knew the surrounding 
country and was well acquainted with the 
general topography of the same; knew every hill 
and tree, but this entrance I had never seen or 
heard of. The old man halted at the entrance 
and turning to me, motioned me with his hand to 
follow him. While yet under the influence of 
intense surprise at this unexpected discovery, I 
complied with his directions. Barely had I set 
my foot into the passageway, when a mysterious 
combination of hissing and rattling sounded to 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 241 

my ears and attracted my attention. I discovered 
that it was caused by rattle-snakes. Well, these 
vermin I did not fear much, as J wore a heavy 
pair of boots and like all Texas cowboys had on 
a pair of leather leggings, which the fangs of a 
snake could not penetrate. I made a stroke at 
them with my riding whip, which I had still 
with me, and the snakes scattered in all direc- 
tions. 

Onward I went without fear. Gradually my 
eyes became used to the semi-darkness of the 
passage and I could make closer observations of 
my surroundings. The passage was about four 
feet wide and at least seven feet high, as I could 
barely touch the ceiling. The fine and regularly 
formed arching of the ceiling and the smooth and 
even surface of the sides seemed suggestive of 
the work of human skill. Who dug this passage 
into the mountain? — For what purpose? — I asked 
myself. It was a useless question to which I 
found no answer. In the far distance I observed 
a grand dazzling ligh^ and I supposed it to be 
the egress of the passage and that we would 
again behold the light of day. I continued close 
to my guide, whose external appearance and 
movements I could see distinctly, as his form was 
moving between me and the distant, effulgent 
light. I had advanced about fifty steps when a 
thundering halt /” was shouted at me. Tremb- 
ling, I stopped. There — barely five feet in front 


242 Dw diets in Celestial Spheres . 

of me stood a man, a giant, with his legs 
stretched across the passageway from side to side; 
his upper body was bare, his powerful arms 
swaying continuously in an aggressive manner. 
It certainly was an awe-inspiring sight. 

“None of your nonsense!” I said, after master- 
ing my first impulsive alarm; “I must pass 
here!” 

“You will not get through here!” he again 
cried. 

“But I must! Do 3 t ou not see the old man 
dressed in black, who is walking in advance of 
me? He commanded me to follow him. ” 

“You cannot pass here!” again screamed the 
giant. 

“Now, if you will not let me pass, you can do 
as you please. But I tell you, you will make 
things disagreeable for yourself. The old man 
is a high official and you know very well they 
will not permit any nonsense. You better let 
me pass.” 

“You shall not go by!” again roared the mon- 
ster. 

“I have already told you to quit your non- 
sense! I’m not going to harm you, nor have 
I ever intended to do so. Listen — let us be 
friends. I have no money about me, but look — 
I have a large piece of chewing tobacco here and 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres . 


243 


will divide with you. I’ll give you half, really, 
if you will let me pass.” 

‘‘You shall not goby!” 

“I’ll give you the whole piece!” 

“You shall not pass.” 

“I’ll be doggon! You are a hard-headed in- 
dividual. Well, to end this, I cannot fight with 
you for you are twice my size, but let me tell 
you, I will get through here, now, even in spite 
of you and your objections. I had a good dinner 
and can afford to stand it a few days. Craving 
for food will soften your will.” 

I squatted on the ground, drawing my knees 
to my shoulders and folding m3 T hands around 
them. The goliath did not move and his legs 
and feet seemed to be rooted to the ground. 
Through the legs of the giant I noticed my 
guide, who winked at me to come on. Just at 
that time an idea struck me as to the manner in 
which I could gain a passage. Jumping to my 
feet, I retreated a few steps an then ran ahead to 
within two steps of the giant, when I turned 
suddenly with a laugh. This game I repeated 
several times, when at last, with a sudden stoop 
and quick as lightning, I rushed through his legs. 
Looking back, to see if the giant would follow 
me, I saw the passage was clear. What had be- 
come of that fellow? However, there was no time 


244 


’ tiers in Celestial Spheres. 


Dwt 


for conjecture, m. v S uide continued to motion me 
to follow and I hui r * ed 011 * 


I had proceeded on. V a few ste P s ’ when ’ of a 
sudden, a mingling of v ' oices ’ sin e in S and shout J 
ing was heard. Advanci. * ^ e ^ e ^ d t rou g 
an open door on the right a raa § n ifi cen ^y lt: U P 
hall from which the noise em. uiated - They were 

i ,, • . f mine from old 

cowboys, old acquaintances c 

time, and there also was Mustang J 0 ^ 111 ’ whom 

thought to be on the road to Boern e ‘ 


“Come in, Bob,” cried the latter. * ted y°h 
we are enjoying ourselves hugely. A- ld suc h 
potations, I assure you, Bob, and such stv. ^ you 
never drank in all your life. Come in!" 


“But, John, we were to go to Bandera afte. r 
those cattle.” 


‘Xet the cattle go to blazes. L,et those who> 
want them go after them. Come — come in, we 
will enjoy ourselves. There, drink!” 

Just as I had placed my foot in the doorway to 
accept the invitation, I cast a glance at my aged 
guide, and remembering, that I was to resist all 
temptations and hindrances whatsover, I with- 
drew, and called to Mustang John, that I would 
be back in a short time. As soon as I continued 
in the wake of the old man all noise ceased and 
dead silence surrounded me. I stopped in sur- 
prise. What did it all me? I retraced a few 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 


2 45 


steps and searched for the door or the room — but 
none was to be found. How was it possible? 
‘‘Was it a spook or some hobgoblin deception, ” 
I asked myself, and really I began to feel veiy 
uncomfortable. It seemed to be real deviltry of 
the mephisto order. Should I retrace my steps? 
No, I will continue to follow my old guide in 
spite of all his humbug. He shall see that a 
Texas cowboy has courage and I shall continue 
to follow his lead, even— if the cloven-footed de- 
mon himself should bar the way. 

I hurried after the old man. Hardly had I 
advanced any distance, when I heard a terrible 
growling, which was so sudden and terrific that 
its resounding echoes reverberated a thousand 
fold in the narrow passage, and seemed like the 
heavy thunder that shakes the innermost founda- 
tions of the earth. Again I retreated, horrified. 
My heart threatened to fail — my hair stood 
straight up — I saw — oh, horror! — an enormous 
mouth — the mouth of an animal filling the whole 
passage! There! — something is moving — it is 
the tongue of the beast! What next? — go back? 
— or is this another deception, or another hum- 
bug to scare me? The old man got through all 
right — why shouldn’t I? Carefully and slowly 
I advanced, when again those terrific growls re- 
sounded in the passage, but the monster did not 
move from the spot. I picked up a rock and 
flung it into the gaping mouth of this monstrous 


246 ■ Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

beast. It closed with a sounding snap, only to 
open again the next moment. The rock had dis- 
appeared. What was to follow? How did the 
old man get through all this! H.J — did he go 
through the mouth of the beast? Oh horror! — 
it can’t be! But — lean see no other way. A 
feeling of fear came over my whole being, when I 
considered the possibility of going through this 
monster’s mouth. And yet — there was evidently 
no other way. Go through I would if it cost me 
my life. The body of this cadaverous animal 
could not be of iron and I might be able, to work 
my way out with the assistance of my large hunt- 
ing knife, which was still in my possession. I 
advanqed on the distorted specimen of animal- 
ism, which repeated its aweinspiring growls. A 
little nearer — a closer clutch on my knife — only 
three steps distance — one more step — an ice- 
cold chill ran through me — my pulsations seemed 
to refuse their function. There — a jump into the 
mouth of the beast — and I — lay sprawling 
on the ground. While yet in terror I arose to 
my still shaking feet. Looking back — I saw the 
passage empty! “I’ll be d-o-g-gon!’’ I ex- 
claimed, “this is certainly the grandest jugglery 
I ever experienced. Wait, old man, you’ll pay 
for this. To intimidate a man thus — 'wait!” 

Again I advanced in close proximity to the old 
man, whom I again beheld in front of me. 
Hark! What was that? Happy singing, merry 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres . 


247 


making and dancing — female voices mingling in 
song. Another advance — and I stood astonished 
and speechless by an opon door, which led into 
a grand and magnificently lighted hall, in which 
many beautiful maidens were enjoying themselves 
in conversation, singing and dancing to their 
heart’s content. There — there — what is — I’ll 
be — there is my Susie — really — my little sweet- 
heart — my Susie. — who I .supposed to be in San 
Antonio!* 

“Susie!” I cried. 

“Oh, Bob, come in,” responded my sweet- 
heart, her face lit up with joy, “come in, we are 
amusing ourselves hugely. Come, don’t you 
hear the sweet music. Oh, come in for a 
dance!” 

Again I had my foot on the door-sill and was 
opening my arms to give my beloved one a hug 
and loving embrace — when, by an accidental 
glance along the passage, I noticed the old man. 
Immediately I withdrew my foot while my arms 
dropped. 

“Susie, I will be back soon,” was my farewell 
to her. “I have promised that old man, whom 
you saw in advance of me, to remain with him, 
-come what may, and you know, promises once 
made must be kept. I will return as soon as 
possible ” 


248 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

Once again, as I was ready to go, everything 
had disappeared and a gloomy, dismal silence 
surrounded me. “Well, if this does not beat 
everything,” I exclaimed. In vain I searched 
for the door to the large hall. Old man, you — 
but hark! — what was that? I saw my guide al- 
ready at the far end of the passage and standing 
in the before-mentioned resplendent light to 
await my coming. 

I hurried onward, and in a moment was at his 
side. An indescribable vision presented itself to 
my astonished gaze. We found ourselves in a 
large, round and lofty cave, at least two hundred 
feet in height, which resembled the interior of a 
lofty dome, with a magnificent cupola, in the cen- 
ter of which was an opening and through it 
could be seen the blue sky, from which eman- 
ated the soft and pleasing illumination I had 
seen. But, what attracted my attention first, and 
in which my whole self became interested, was a 
horse of snowy whiteness with saddle and bridle. 
A magnificent creature with long and flowing 
mane of pure whiteness, fiery flashing eyes, in 
short such an animal as I had never beheld be- 
fore. 

“Young man,” said my old guide, “you have 
proved yourself so far in everyway equal to 
everything demanded of you. The last which is 
required of you, is, to ride this horse. It will 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 249 

carry you to where you will behold the promised 
wonders.” 

“Good,” I remarked after another close scrut- 
iny of the wonderful horse, “but I will say this: 
If you ” 

What was that? My guide stood this moment 
by my side and now — he is gone — he had dis- 
appeared! I glanced into the passage — it was 
empty — the old man had vanished! 

“Well, all right, for all I care!” I exclaimed. 
“If only there is an end to this nonsense! That 
horse I will ride!” 

Slowly, with pleasant words on my lips, I 
walked towards the horse, but, as I came near 
him, he turned and began to kick at me most 
unmercifully; I had just time to jump aside. I 
went again close to him, with the same result. I 
waited some minutes, and again tried to get near 
in a careful manner — again he kicked at me, but 
at the moment, when his hind feet were descend- 
ing to the ground. I jumped, and by the time his 
heels came down, I was in the saddle. But, 
great Scott, another mystery! The horse turned 
out to be a real Pegasus and began, with me in 
the saddle, to ascend lightning-like up in the air. 
Woah!- — woah! — spasmodically I pulled the reins 
and the horse about, but he continued to ascend 
higher and higher. Halt? — woah — for the love 
of heaven halt! Higher and still higher — 


250 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

through the open dome, with indescribable 
swiftness and speed into the blue ether! I note 
the disappearance of trees, hills and cities be- 
neath me. Onward — higher goes the wild race! 
Woah! — halt! — cold drops of sweat — a fearful 
anxiety, and with a death-like struggle I clasp 
the neck of my horse with my arms. Higher? — 
Great Creator! — I am gone! woah! — everything 
turned black before my eyes! Woa-h! My 
senses gone — ! ! 


“Where am I?’’ was my first and astonished 
exclamation after the return of my mental 
powers. I got on my feet and contemplated my 
surroundings with great amazement and wonder. 
I had been lying on a floor more brilliant and 
beautiful than I ever had seen before. I stooped 
and felt with my fingers; but its material was as 
great a puzzle to me as ever, and far beyond my 
conception. Glass or polished stone it was not; 
but what was it ? What gave it this grand, 
green-golden dazzling, shining light? No answer 
to this mental interrogatory could be found. 
Looking about, I beheld the same grand sight, 
and my astonishment increased every minute. 
High above me, according to terrestial concep- 
tions of measurement, some two thousand feet or 
more, the same reddish, gold-green gloss and 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 251 

lustre met my gaze. I beheld columns, sup- 
porting small canopy-like ceilings. No; they 
looked more like cyclopian chairs at least two 
hundred feet high; there are the seats; there are 
the back-rests. I’ll be dog-gon; what I had 
taken for columns were the legs of real chairs. 
I beheld large numbers of these colossal chairs 
in this immensity of space. There! — a window, 
two hundred feet from the ground; — over there, 
a door, apparently a thousand or more feet high! 
Where — where was I ? Have I decreased to the 
size of a liliputian or pigmy; am I in another 
world? I examined myself; looked at my hands, 
feet, my knife, and all seemed to have their 
natural form and size. There! I heard steps, 
and without forethought of what I did, I jumped 
behind one of those columns, or, more correctly, 
one of those enormous chair-legs. 

“Come here, Bob,’’ I heard a stentorian voice 
call; “after all your bravery and courage you are 
not going to show the white feather and play a 
cowardly hide and seek game!” 

The appellation cowardly came in right time. 
I acknowledge I had been a little afraid, but 
.coward! no Texas cowboy will allow himself to 
be called. I stepped forth from my hiding place 
and — I was going to say: “I am no coward!” — 
but the sentence remained unspoken, owing to 
the sigh that presented itself to my vision. I 


I 


252 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

beheld a man — not like one of our mundane 
specimens of the Genus- Homo ; in form and shape 
yes, but otherwise no! This supernatural spec- 
imen of humanity was at least seven hundred 
feet in height, and created in me, with his long 
beard of snowy whitensss, Miich reached to his 
waist, and with his skin, which shone in the 
same red-green-golden transcendant glow, an 
astounding impression. 

“Bob!” interrupted the hoary giant, with his 
powerful voice, the grand, harmonious eloquence 
of which went to my heart, “do not fear me. 
Come, since you are so little and I am ever so 
much larger, I will lift you on one of these 
chairs; don’t be afraid!” 

Kneeling down on one knee, placing his 
thumb, which was larger than myself, on my 
chest, and his first finger on my back — quick as 
heaven’s lightning he lifted me to the height of 
the chair. As the seat of the latter measured 
at least one hundred feet square, I felt perfectly 
safe. 

My new acquaintance took a seat on another 
one of those chairs next to me and contemplated 
me with a pleasant and smiling face for several 
minutes, then he said to me: 

“Bob, if you have any questions to ask, now 
is the time.” 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres . 253 

“I — questions! — I — I would like to ask a 
dozen of them!” 

‘‘Good, proceed.” 

‘‘First, I would like to know where I am?” 

‘‘You are cognizant of that heavenly body 
without the existence of which life in nature 
would be an impossibility.” 

“Yes; that is the sun.” 

'“That is where you are.” 

“None of your humbug, sir. The sun is more 
than ninety millions of miles distant from the 
earth and I should have traveled this vast dis- 
tance? No — it is impossible!” 

“And yet it is so. You, with your narrow- 
minded supply of sense, cannot comprehend it, 
I know that; but maybe I can prove it to you. 
Will you believe me if I show you the earth on 
which you live from here, that is from the sun?” 

“Yes.” 

“Good; come along.” 

Again I was taken between thumb and first 
finger and placed in the open window and looked 
into space. What I beheld, was the blue sky, 
in which shone myriads of shining stars, not in 
the pale white light as seen from the earth, but 
in a reddish, glowing splendor. 


254 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 


“Do you see that small star over there?’’ 
“Yes.” 

“Good; that is the earth.” 

“That is very easily said; how will you prove 
it?” 


“Your ocular poweis are not as strong as 
mine, therefore take this glass.” 

He handed me a pink-colored polished object,, 
and, full of expectations, I directed my gaze to 
to the star pointed out. 

“By the Gods! I see the ocean — there is a 
ship! I see human beings on board. There is 
another ship ” 

“That is the Atlantic ocean. Now hold your 
glass a little lower.” 

“What is this? I note an immense city — noth- 
ing but houses — all houses — many people mov- 
ing about in the street — it all looks like an ant- 
hill.” 

“That is New York. Now follow the coast — 
there is the mouth of the Mississippi. Still 
further, Galveston — now look along the railroad 
track — there — what you see now?” 

“By the — that is assuredly the Alamo City! 
Yes, that is San Antonio! There is the Alamo 
plaza — there, the Menger hotel, with the hacks in 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 


255 


front; the street-car track — narrow Commerce 
street — really, old San Antonio ! 

“Now look for an occupied dwelling on Main 
avenue!” 

“What kind of dwelling?” 

“Bob, don’t pretend to be so innocent; I know 
your Susie lives there. Have you got it?” 

“Yes.” 

“Would you like to see the interior of the 
house?” 

“Yes— if that were possible.” 

“All right; hold the glass close to your eyes.” 

“My! — what is that? Roof and walls disap- 
pear — and there — there stands my Susie in front 
of the mirror! She is putting on her hat — no 
doubt she is going out. Listen! — she is singing. 
I can hear her, she is singing the ‘ Last Rose of 
Summer . ’ Susie! Susie!” 

“Don’t trouble yourself, Bob, she can’t hear 
you.” 

“No? I am sorry. Gee Wilikins, it would 
have been so nice if I could have talked to her 
from away up here. Oh! ” 

“What would you have said to her?” 

“Well, I would have spoken to her in a deep, 
sepulchral voice. Well, I would have told her 


256 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 


to — to marry her Bob as soon as possible, and 
that Bob was the best — the best man, and in- 
tended for her. Oh, there, she is going out on 
the street!” 

‘‘Say, Bob, do you believe me now?” 

“Well, I expect I have to.” 

My mystic giant friend again took hold of me 
and replaced me on the chair, and seating him- 
self he asked: 

‘‘You said a little while ago, you wanted to 
ask so many questions?” 

■“Yes, I would like to. But all I have seen so 
far exceeds my comprehension and is altogether 
beyond my mental capacity. Yes, considering 
all my experiences, what I have seen and heard, 
I can come to but one conclusion, you — you are 
the Omnipotent — the Creator himself.” 

‘‘No, Bob, I am not. I am only his trusted 
servant and the first man he created.” 

‘‘Then you dwelt on our earth?” 

‘‘Yes, Bob.” 

‘‘How long ago?” 

‘‘About one hundred and fifty thousand years 
ago.” 

‘‘What! One hundred and fifty thousand years 
ago? That is and must be a fable — our earth is 
not that old, certainly not!” 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 


257 


“And yet it is the truth, you diminutive, 
microscopic mite or man of the earth, it is even 
older. Since its first creation millions of years 
have passed. Of course your terrestrial little 
globe was not then, in appearance, what it is 
now, but only attained its present state of seem- 
ing perfection by the lapse of time. The first of 
the human species, into whom God breathed the 
living soul or to whom he gave that mysterious 
mental power, of which I have told you, existed 
some one hundred and fifty thousand years ago. 
Even these almost pre-mundane species of the 
Genus-Homo were not what mankind is to-day. 
In external form and appearance they were with 
all their mental powers like monkeys.” 


“You mean to say that, it is true we are the 
descendants of, and but a paraphrase of that man- 
iferous tribe?” 


“No, Bob; not any more than a gnat is the 
primitive or original primogenitor of the elephant 
are the present generation of man the offsprings 
of apes. The primitive race of man is extinct, as 
already stated. Many thousands of years after- 
wards, God created man without hair on the face 
and body, the black race. Later the yellow, and 
again later the brown, then the red race and last, 
the crown of creation, the white man!” 


2 58 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

“You said you were one of the first creation; 
consequently you must have been hairy and re- 
sembled a monkey?” 

“You are right.” 

“But you don’t look like one now?” 

“Again correct. The souls of all deceased 
good human beings of the earth and other celes- 
tial bodies are like I am in form and general ap- 
pearance.” 

“You say celestial bodies other than the earth. 
Do you mean moon and stars?” 

“Yes.” 

“Are they then also inhabited by human 
beings?” 

“Most assuredly,” replied my giant friend, 
smiling. “You do not think that the earth, 
which is at best only one atom of the universe in 
its most diminutive sense, is the only inhabited 
body! As in the natural fitness of things on the 
earth, air, water and land are the pre-existing 
causes that produce life, so likewise are these the 
grand fundamental principle in the endless space 
of the universe. In the same manner, in which 
the dwellers of your earth observe the circular 
movements of the celestial worlds, so also do the 
inhabitants of the latter view your earth, which 
shines by no light of its own, but merely reflects 
the light of the sun, appearing to them at night 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 


259 


as a small diminutive shining orb. Of course, 
life is not the same in those empyrean worlds as 
it is on your earth, but adapted in its smallest 
details to the natural fitness of its surroundings. 
But, as an inhabitant of the moon and two 
residents of other celestial bodies are heie, I will 
present them to you and explain.” 

“Oh, that must be grand; you excite my 
curiosity!” 

‘‘You were promised to beheld wonderful 
sights.” 

‘‘True; but I never expected such things.” 

“I believe you, Bob; but you will want to ask 
more questions?” 

“Yes, I want to know something more!” 

‘‘Ask away.” 

‘‘First, I want to know if all the dwellers of 
the Sun are as large as yourself?” 

‘‘All the inhabitants of the Sun are in form 
and size as I am. I may appear large to you, 
my boy, you being a man of that terrestial little 
body called the earth, but in comparison with 
the immensity of space, I am, in spite of my 
seven hundred feet, only as an atom in space. 
Rightly considered, what is big? — what is little ? 
The earth is big, because it is so according to the 
conceptions of its inhabitants. It is little, be- 


260 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

cause it is only like a grain of sand in the endless 
universe of worlds. Like one of the thousands 
of microscopic animalcules in one drop of water; 
while to them a glass of water is, again, a universe! 
Recollect, there are heavenly bodies with a 
diameter of twenty millions of miles; the human- 
like beings, who live there, are one hundred 
thousand feet high! The most powerful micro- 
scope only would enable them to see you small 
dwellers of the earth. Your scientists have cal- 
culated the distance of the earth from the sun to 
be ninety-two millions of miles. The distance of 
those celestial bodies from the earth is eighteen 
billion of miles! A fast railroad train, sent from 
the earth and going day and night, would reach 
the sun in four hundred and seventy years, but 
it would take ninet> -four thousand years to reach 
those celestial bodies.” 

“Gee Whilikins!” 

<( See, I only wanted to show you by these 
figures how great is the immensity of space and 
how little I am.” 

‘‘Yes, I perceive; but what a liliputian pigmy, 
how triflingly unimportant I must be in this 
universe!” — — — — 

‘‘Do you want to know more?” 

‘‘Yes! I want to ask some more questions. 
You informed me that the spirits of all good men 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 261 

come here. Is it really true that good men will 
be rewarded? Is this heaven?” 

"Yes, Bob, the good are rewarded and here i,s 
heaven. From here, the sun, all that has life 
and motion in the universe, is regulated. From 
here, ye sons of the earth, you receive day and 
night , winter and summer , heat and cold . thunder 
and storm , rainbow — from here the transformation 
of oceans into clouds take place, which represents 
thousands of tons to be kept in the air until they 
descend in millions of tiny rain drops to the 
earth to give to man, animal and vegetation the 
needed moisture and nourishment. Without the 
sun, all life would perish. No life could exist 
on earth. Here, where God rules the universe, 
here is heaven. Here are received all the good. ” 

"You mean the souls of all the good deceased 
people?” 

"Yes.” 

"What are they doing all the time?” 

"Working.” 

"Wh-a-t ! Working? I have always under- 
stood there was no work — nothing to do in 
heaven?” 

"No, Bob; you have been misinformed.” 

"Then, what is the nature of the work?” 


262 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

“All those, who are here and coming, assist 
God to supply the millions of celestial bodies 
with life, human, animal and vegetable. 
Thousands of animals and plants, that are now 
domesticated on earth and prosper there, de- 
rived their existence from these fortunate ones.” 

‘ ‘This is really grand ! But did these fortunate 
ones also create snakes and all other wild and 
dangerous animals?” 

“No. All brute creatures, which are now 
dangerous to man, are but remnants of an age 
when man was so qualified as to be proof against 
the bites or stings of snakes and insects. With 
the same ease with which you master a little 
kitten, the prehistoric man would overcome a 
lion. To the present race of man has been given 
the power of intelligence to exterminate all 
dangerous animals.” 

“Well, that at least is some consolation. But 
here is something else I cannot comprehend. I 
have heard and seen, that you see and know 
everything that takes place on the earth. Why 
do you not assist the trodden down, needy and 
good when they are being insulted, abused and 
persecuted by the bad man?” 

“We would like very much to do so, but we 
have the command of the supreme power not to 
interfere in the doings of man. This is wise and 
just; for if the good were helped in all things, it 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 


263 


would not be a credit to them to be or remain 
good. Now, if a man, suffering grief and sorrow, 
persecution and oppression, remains good, he 
really deserves to come here to heaven. Com- 
paratively speaking, life is everlasting in the 
eternity of the universe, while terrestial life is 
but short.” 

‘‘It may appear so to you, but I should think 
that existence on the earth for the poor, who 
have to work night and day to maintain ljfe, is 
very long after all.” 

“Do you count yourself in this class?” 

“I? Most assuredly I do! I have nothing 
and have to work hard for a living?” 

“Would you like to die?” 

‘I ? — Well — I believe not —right now. I would 
like to marry my Susie and enjoy a few years of 
happiness with her.” 

* ‘ J ust so. Then, when you are the happy pro- 
genitors of children, you will want to live long 
enough for these children to get independent and 
to become capable of helping themselves along 
in life. Then your children will look for life- 
partners and find them, and you would want to 
see them happy also. Then, becoming aged, 
silver locks crowning your head, you are in- 
formed that you will become a grand-sire, and 
the longing for life is more strongly felt in you 


264 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

than ever. Such is man. With all misery, men- 
tal and physical pain, there are yet rays of light 
in which death, when it does come, is considered 
premature.” 

“You are right. Dying is not at all pleasant. 
When I think of my Susie I wouldn’t want to 
die, no. But let us change the subject. If all 
the good are rewarded, what is being done with 
the evil ones?” 

“They are punished.” 

“How?” 

“In order to make you understand, name me 
a really bad man.” / 

“I? Well, I — don’t know anyone whom I 

would like to see in h 1, but hold, stop — yes 

—Gould.” 

“Do you mean the railroad king?” 

“The same.” € 

“But to my knowledge he has never done any 
harm to you.” 

“He has not. I am not even personally ac- 
quainted with him.” 

“And yet you wish him evil?” 

“Yes, the man is so immensely rich, treats his 
workingmen contemptuously and unmercifully 
and for this he should writhe in h— -1.” 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 265 

“This is very unjust of you. Thousands of 
your fellow men would do the same thing that 
Gould is doing if they only could. You cannot 
hold Gould responsible for deeds of that kind. 
The senseless, unnatural institutions of man, 
which make it possible for evil-minded people to 
subjugate their fellow beings and to rob them of 
their inherent rights, are the causes of so many 
evils. But since you have named the man we 
will use his name. On the same eternal prin- 
ciple, according to which God first created vege- 
tation, then the animal kingdom, and still later 
man, he also, by the same synthetical laws of 
evolution, created the millions of celestial bodies. 
Now, imagine, a body like the present earth just 
forming from primitive choas into shape, on 
which vegetation and brute creation are already 
in existence, and now think of Gould, with all 
his mental powers, his knowledge, his recollec- 
tions of earthly life, in the shape of a frog, hop- 
ping about on this new or latest created celestial 
integrant part of the Universe, looking for food, 
or with fear-inspiring anxiety, evading the pur- 
suit of a larger be^st of prey, which threatens to 
devour him — think of this — and you will have 
an idea of the punishment meeted out to all evil- 
doers. ’ ’ 

I smiled involuntarily. 

“Don’t laugh, Bob.” 


266 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

“I beg your pardon, but to think of Gould 
hopping about like a frog, is an absurdity and 
did form a comical impression on my senses.” 

“The punishment is severe and you should 
aim never to be deserving of it. ’ ’ 

“I will try, but shall I succeed?” 

“Why should you not? That man, who hon- 
ors and respects his parents, who never commits 
evil or does wrong towards his fellow man, who 
walks cheerfully and happily through life, who 
aims, at all times, to make his own life, as well 
as that of his fellow man, pleasant, with ill-will 
toward none, that man finds heaven open and 
ready to receive him.” 

“If what you say is true, I hope to get there 
myself, for it has been the aim of my life to prac- 
tice the precepts which you have enumerated.” 

“We know that, Bob, otherwise you would 
not be here. Have yon any more questions?” 

“I ? Yes — I would like ” 

“Why don’t you ask?” 

“Well, I would like to — something about — 
business. ’ ’ 

“Ah — there you are! That American weak- 
ness — the old Adam — crops out of you, business 
at all times. 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 267 

“I beg pardon — I only wished to make a prop- 
osition.” 

“Make it.” 

“You must not get angry with me?” 

“Speak! I am well posted about your weak- 
ness for the almighty dollar. ’ ’ 

“Would you come with me when I return to 
the earth?” 

“What for?” 

“I would propose a fine business venture to 
you, a grand speculation. I would have a large 
tent erected, twelve hundred feet high, with 
other dimensions corresponding, and you would 
be the central attraction for a show. I would 
engage a brass band and make the entrance fee 
at least ten dollars each for all visitors who 
might want to see you. I tell you there are 
millions in it! A little sensational advertising 
and flashy handbills, with a little humbug thrown 
in as, for instance: ‘Most wonderful live man — 
a thousand feet high!’ I tell you we would soon 
be as rich as Jay Gould! I will give you one- 
third and I pay all expenses. What — you shake 
your head ? Well, I will give you half and still 
pay all expenses, — now there — and yet not sat- 
isfied? I cannot give you any more; I want to 
make something myself out of the scheme.” 


268 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

“Bob, that will not do! I cannot, dare not 
and will not go to the earth in my present state 
and form.” 

“It is too bad! We would have made more 
money than Barnum with all his humbug.” 

“Have I answered all your questions?” 

“Yes; I think so. If you will show me the 
dwellers of other worlds, I shall be contented. It 
would please me very much.” 

“So be it!” said the giant. He rose from his 
chair, went to the door and uttered in a stento- 
rian voice, but in a language to me incompre- 
hensible, a few words and again seated himself 
on his chair. 

Full of expectation of things to come I 
watched the door from my lofty seat. I heard a 
rattling noise like rocks falling upon one another, 
and at once saw a human being come in and dis- 
appear like lightning under my chair. Aston- 
ished, I got on my feet and moved to the edge 
of the chair on which I was seated, but did not 
dare to get too near for fear of getting dizzy. 

“Be content, Bob,” said the giant, “I will lift 
him up to you on your chair.” 

A moment later and the man — no, not a 
man according to the terrestial conception of 
man, for such he was not — stood by my side. I 
was astonished, puzzled at the sight of the thing 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres . 269 

before me. The height, form and size were near- 
ly like ours, but yet so entirely different. The 
head was perfectly round like a ball, not the 
shadow of hair on the head or eyebrows, no nose, 
no ears, in fact nothing whatever was to be seen 
on his head, except a pair of large eyes, lustrous 
and shining like glass. There was no neck, 
the round head was in direct conjunction with or 
on the shoulder; the latter looked powerful and 
broad; the body presented a Sampson-like phys- 
ique; no sign of ribs, breast or stomach; every- 
thing was even, smooth and like hewn out pol- 
ished stone. The legs were of uniform size, 
from ankle to thigh; no toes on his feet; no hands 
or fingers on his arms. A low-spirited feeling 
came over me as the thing stood before me with- 
out any sign of life, but directing its glassy eyes 
towards me. 

“That is a denizon of the moon,” interrupted 
my big friend as he noticed my great astonish- 
ment. “As I have ere this informed you, not all 
beings, or we’ll say human beings, on the celes- 
tial bodies are formed like you, but fitted to the 
natural conditions surrounding them in their re- 
spective spheres. An atmosphere like the earth 
the moon has not. The inhabitants there exist 
without air or water. The gigantic eruptions 
and revolutions of the moon, which level high 
mountains and rebuild them, are but co-essential 
to the whole and in conformity to these the in- 


270 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres . 

habitants are formed and constituted. I see you 
have a knife, try to cut or stab him.” 

Slowly I advanced towards this seeming mon- 
ster and tried my knife, but it would not make 
the least impression on the surface of his body or 
skin or whatever it may have been. It was 
harder than granite. 

“You might try an ax with the same result,” 
continued the old man. ‘‘Yes, you might fire a 
cannon ball at him at short range; it would re- 
bound like a rubber ball. Give him a weight of 
tw 7 enty tons and he will carry it like a toy on his 
shoulders. If he should lay down at full length, 
a whole mountain might fall upon him and not 
do him the least injury. No fast mail train of 
the earth could keep pace with him. He might 
fall down cliffs thousands of feet high without 
injury to himself, and yet he has nearly the same 
organism as your terrestial fellow-beings, not- 
withstanding his external adamantine coverings. 
He is quick-witted, with a keen sense and in- 
tellect for new theories for himself and his fel- 
low-beings, regarding the volcanic eruptions to 
which the moon is subject, which are wonderful. 
Observe his eyes. To you they present a simi- 
larity to glass, and yet the most powerful stroke 
of an ax would not even make a mark on them. 
He sees and hears by these eyes better and fur- 
ther than you dwellers of the earth. As you 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 271 

have a constant struggle for existence, so has he 
to be on constant guard against the natural laws 
of his planet. Good inhabitants of the moon are 
those, who are, at all times, ready to assist their 
fellow-beings out of the eruption and other acci" 
dents to which their globe is subject, while the 
evil ones only attend to their own selfish persons. 
As you have water upon earth, the lunar denizen 
finds his food everywhere.” 

“But how is that; I do not see any mouth?” 

‘‘I will speak to him and then you will see.” 

Again the giant said something in a language 
unknown to me, and behold — there was an open- 
ing below the eyes, from whence this lunar resi- 
dent seemed to speak in a deep, guttural but not 
unpleasant voice. The outside skin or stone 
covering, or whatever it may be called, was at 
least one-half of an inch thick. I could see his 
gums and sharp teeth and moving tongue very 
plainly. After a lengthy conversation, which 
was accompanied by numerous gesticulations, 
the adamantine individual, no doubt by a re- 
quest from the giant, stretched forth his arms. 
There was an inverted opening at the end, and 
from it appeared a human-like hand, apparently 
very strong. Then, about thirty feet from my 
position, he started on a circular run around me, 
faster and faster, until it seemed like lightning. 


272 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

Gee Wilikins, how he ran! At last I could bare- 
ly preceive his feet in such fast revolutions. 

[This rapidity of motion is undoubtedly^ necessity on 
the moon, because, if a mountain gets shaky and takes 
a notion to fall, these rapid transit fellows are surely be- 
yond reach.] 

But look ! — he is nearing the edge or margin 
of my chair. Then a jump — I heard something 
fall to the floor, a rattling noise, and he bad dis- 
appeared by the door. 

“A wonderful creature!” I exclaimed, after he 
had disappeared. “Took here, old man, can’t 
you get me one of these flint or stone-like cover- 
ing?” 

“What for?” 

“What for? — I’ll tell you; if I was possessed 
of such a stone covering and announced myself 
on earth as a prize fighter, Lord , you’d see how 
I would demolish my opponents. I bet you they 
would lose hearing and sight!” 

“Impossible, Bob! With such a covering you 
could not exist one minute down there.” 

“Oh, that is too bad — too bad!” 

“I shall now introduce to you a denizen of 
Venus. ’ ’ 

Again the old giant went to the door, and 
after calling out something, resumed his seat. I 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 273 

noted the entrance of a man, who with rapid 
motion disappeared beneath my chair, and who 
after being spoken to by the giant, showed his 
head at the edge of my chair, at the same time 
clinging with his hands and — there he stood be- 
fore me. 

“I was astonished. How did that little fellow 
get up so quick? I noted his hands, to see 
whether he had claws to ascend on such smooth 
objects, but his hands were formed like mine. 
His general appearance was, in fact, just like 
•ours but — -on closer examination I found, be- 
ginning at the neck, rib after rib. Ribs on 
shoulders, on body, on arms, and on legs, com- 
pletely covered by small overlapping layers and 
folds of skin. 

“As I have told you,” said the giant inter- 
rupting my astonishment, “this being is an in- 
habitant of Venus , one of the celestial bodies, 
which is called by your earth dwellers a planet. 
Venus is smaller than the earth, but otherwise 
constituted just like it. The same vegetable and 
animal life exist there; but from the fact that the 
diameter of the orbit of Venus around the Sun is 
smaller, hence nearer to the sun, the heat there 
is more intense than on your earth. The in- 
- habitants of Venus have the same qualifications, 
attributes and habits as you, and only differ in 
the contraction and expansion of their limbs, 
.as 3'ou will soon see.” 


274 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

Again the old man said a few words to this 
Venus man. Gee Whilikins! In the next mo- 
ment the only thing to be seen was a pair of 
thin legs, I looked up to the lofty and dizzy 
height of his person, and there— away up was 
the body, and still higher, the pleasant grinning 
face of this Venus man lookirig down upon me. 

“Here you see the difference of Venus and 
Earth dwellers. The powers of contraction and 
expansion is a peculiarity of the male sex only. 
It begiris at the age of teh years, at fifteen he 
Can increase his form to fifty feet 'in height and 
at twenty he can extend this expansion power to 
the height of from two to three hundred feet. 
After that period, the elasticity of limbs again 
decreases until at fifty the normal height will 
not exceed ten feet. 

The old man again said something to the 
Venus man , and he suddenly decreased— walked 
to the outer edge of the chair, let himself down, 
and before I could get over my surprise he had 
disappeared. 

[Wouldn’t it be fine if we, Earth people, possessed 
such limbs? Not long ago I was at Austin, where the 
state militia had their drill, when I met a young, nicely 
dressed militia officer, who was casting love-sick eyes to 
the third story of a house. I took the direction of his 
glances and discovered the interesting face of a young 
lady, looking down on the street. Whether her glances 
upon the young officer were prompted by the same feel- 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 275 

ing, longings and desires, I cannot say; but it seemed so 
to me. But, as there is no rose without thorns, there 
wos a thorn here in the form of an old, morose male face 
at a window in the second story, looking, too, down 
upon the street. Now think of this amorous young 
officer with the expanding qualities of a Venus man. 
Gee Wilikins ! In a moment he could have swung him- 
self to the third story, grabbed his lady love and, before 
the old man with his reduced and stiffened limbs could 
have done anything to prevent it, that love-sick fellow 
might have had a bushel of kisses. And then, if such an 
old papa would object to marriage, that would be imme- 
terial to a .Venus man, for he could pack the trunks, 
bonnets and tooth-brushes of his love in one coat-tail 
pocket, herself in another, and a few hours forced march 
would bring him to the coast, a pair of stilts — and in — 
through the Atlantic ocean, where they would soon dis- 
appear. When our old pater familias, with his stiffened 
limbs, would reach the coast, our young lovers would be 
enjoying their wedding-feast at a European elysium. 
Wouldn’t it be nice ?] 

“Well, old man,” said I to the giant, “can’t 
you give me such expansive bones?” 

“No, Bob; I cannot change your bones. I 
will now introduce you to a third inhabitant of 
celestial worlds.” 

He approached the door, called and returned. 

I saw something come in, but what it was I 
could not tell or comprehend, as it disappeared 
also under my seat. The old man stooped down 
and lifted this something on my chair. What did 
I see? A monster tortoise, at least seven feet 


276 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

long, four feet high and three feet wide! With 
wonder and surprise I looked at this monster, 
and then at the old giant. 

“This is a dweller of a celestial body or star 
we call Mara , which is at least fifty times larger 
than the earth, but owing to its great distance, 
appears to you terrestial people only as a little 
star.” 

“But that thing there is no human being?” 

“Yes, most assuredly, Bob; you shall see.” 

A few words from my famulus and there ap- 
peared, at the long end of the shell, a human 
shaped head. It looked at me, ran around me 
several times with great swiftness, stopped and 
stood up. Assuredly, I saw a human being stand- 
ing on its feet with the shell in the back. It was 
a strongly built man, only his body was very 
long and his limbs short. I11 obedience to a call 
from the giant, the man bent his body a little 
sideways, and, to my increased surprise, there 
came from out of the shell or the man’s back, a 
beautiful and pretty girl or woman. I bet any- 
thing, that she was as much surprised at seeing 
me as I was at beholding her. I had got but 
half over my amazement, when she, upon the 
order of the old giant, again disappeared in the 
back of the tortoise shell. I approached the 
turtleman, who bent his body freely to one side 
and revealed that the shoulder and the lower 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 277 

part of his back were connected with the shell, 
and that the wonderful woman seemed to be 
quite comfortably seated in the same. 

“You see now, Bob, that these are human be- 
ings.” 

“Yes, I see. But is this shell or reservatory 
not uncomfortable for the man. How can he 
work?” 

“No more so than your own bones are in the 
way or a hindrance to your moments. Of course 
the Mara man can only walk in a forward stoop- 
ing position and prefers to run on hands and feet. 
They don’t have to work, as they obtain their 
nourishment everywhere. ’ ’ 

“Does he carry his wife with him at all times.” 

- “Yes; she is indispensible to him.” 

“How so?” 

“You shall see and hear.” 

Again the old man said somthing to the Mara 
man, who at once fell back on his shell. A few 
side movements and it became still. 

“But don’t he squeeze the woman to death!” 

“No; she is not troubled at all. I will call on 
her to leave her place and afterwards tell the 
man to rise by himself, and you will comprehend 
that she is a necessity to the man.” 


278 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

It was done. The woman came forth from her 
shell abode, rested her hand on the edge of the 
shell and with a graceful leap, she stood near me. 
I saw how the man, by means of many skillful 
* movements, combined with force, tried to get to 
his feet or to upset the shell — but his'efforts were 
of no avail. At last, at a wink from the old 
giant, the woman stepped near, gave a, strong 
jerk, which I did not consider her capable of, 
and the man stood on his feet. The woman 
again resumed her position in the back ol the 
man. 

“If the man cannot rise at his own volition he 
does not need to fall over on his back,” I said to 
the old giant, who in the meantime had replaced 
the tortoise-like beings to the ground, from 
whence they at once disappeard through the 
door. • 

“He is compelled to do it in order to go to 
sleep.” 

“But what happens if the woman dies?” 

“Then he has to wait until another rescues 
him from his misery by becoming his wife. ’ ’ 

“Now if an old ugly woman rescues a young 
man, then what?” 

“She is his wife just the same.” 

“Gee Wilikins.” 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 279 

“Now, Bob, don’t you wish to be constituted 
like the Mara dweller sV' 

“No, no! for the Lord’s sake, no! With the 
bad luck, which pursues me at all times, I would 
be surely compelled to marry the grand mother 
of Old Harry. ’ ’ 

“Bob, you have now seen inhabitants of- three 
different worlds and can understand, what I have 
already told ytfu, that the little earth was not the 
only one of the celestial bodies that is inhabited, 
but that all the untold millions yet in endless 
space have their aboriginees in conformity with 
the particular natural laws that govern them. 
Were I to introduce to you specimens of inhabit- 
ants from each celestial body, it would take mil- 
lions of years to see them all. Now, Bob, I will 
introduce you to my family. As I remarked be- 
fore, we, as aboriginees of the earth, were not 
formed as the modern human race of to-day and 
for that reason my family wants to see you at 
close quarters. 

A short utterance followed and there appeared 
an old lady accompanied by a bevy of six of the 
most beautiful girls I ever beheld. Of course they 
were all tall and large, like their paternal pro- 
genitor, yet very beautiful. At sight of me, all 
six girls came a la storm, march to my chair, and 
then in harmonious unison, they exclaimed: 

“Oh, how pretty !” 


280 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres . 

“Oh, how little!” 

“Oh, how beautiiul!” 

“Oh, how sweet!” 

The youngest and smallest of them, however,, 
was not content with this. She took me with 
her thumb and first finger and placed me on her 
hand. My own feeling compelled me to sit 
down, I felt like getting sea sick? 

“Oh, how lovely and handsome,” she repeated 
again and again. “Oh, papa, this is certainly a 
pretty little creature.” 

“Well, now,” I thought to myself, “this is 
putting it a little strong. I, a Texas cowboy, a 
pretty little creature! No — no one on earth has 
ever told me that — no, not even my Susie.” 

“Oh, papa,” she continued, “this sweet little 
thing you must give to me.” 

“What would you do with him?” the old giant 
asked. 

“I would make me a cage and put chat little 
fellow in it.” 

I was going to fly into a passion — I was going 
to tell her, that I had no desire whatever to be 
put in a cage; that I could not even sing, only 
bellow and grumble to myself. But the old man 
came to my aid and told them that I had to go> 
back to the; earth. 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 281 

As everyone of the girls wanted to have a close 
look at me, I was passed from hand to hand, and, 
in a seeming stupor, and, so to say, really seasick, 
arrived at last in the hand of the old lady, who 
had sense enough to seat me on her knee. Here 
— here I met my fate. Had I never come on this 
knee, who knows where I would be to-day. I 
might be living in such circumstances that I 
wouldn’t change with Gould. But bad luck — 
yes, miserable bad luck. It pursues me every- 
where at every footstep — yes, it is inherent in 
me. 

This time it came to me in consequence of my in- 
quisitive hankering after scientific investigations. 
Yes, it was this, I am convinced. If this inclin- 
ation had been aroused in me at the proper time 
and guided in proper channels, to-day I might 
have been one of the greatest of the natural 
philosophers of the age. But as this was not 
done, this, tendency for inquiry only brought 
evil hours. I even had experienced them as a 
child. The first doll which I received for a 
Christmas gift was a good enough toy for the first 
half hour, but this young proclivity for investi- 
gation was my evil genius. I wanted to know 
how this toy was made up in the inside. I got 
a hammer and a pair of scissors and — my long- 
ing for knowledge was satiated. Of course I got 
a thrashing from my parents. A year later I got 
a drum. I hammered on it until I was run out 


282 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

of the house. Again this desire for investigation 
-came to me. I wanted to know the cause of the 
noise in the drum. A knife — and both ends of 
the drum were perforated with cuts — more 
thrashing. Thus I could recount hundreds of 
cases in which, from an ardent desire for inves- 
tigation, I had to suffer. And, now, here — yes, 
here — this same unfortunate inquiry for knowl- 
edge was to be my doom. 

As I was surrounded by the whole family, 
who all occupied chairs arouud me and were 
entertaining themselves in a language which I did 
not understand and of no interest to me, I made 
a cursory examination of my surroundings, the 
family of my giant, until finally my eyes rested 
on the knee of the old lady, on which I was 
seated. I was admiring the fine greenish-red 
complexion of the skin, and the thought or wish 
came over me to know how the blood looked in 
her body. A small scratch certainlv would do 
no harm and she might not feel it at all. I took 
my knife and made a delicate scratch or incision 
on the skin, but — to my amazement and terror, 
a stream of reddish-green blood burst from the 
cut ! The old lady screamed and jumped to her 
feet — I fell — I roared — I shouted for help — I 
tried to hold to something, but in vain; — I ex- 
pected every moment to be dashed to pieces on 
the ground— I groaned and cried louder — still 


Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 283 

was falling — down — help — down — I — became in- 
sen-sib-l-e . 


“Where am I?” I exclaimed in terror. I 
looked around — there — there is my horse — enjoy- 
ing the grass — there — under the tree my saddle 
— I put my hands to my head — am I dreaming 
or awake? There had stood the old man. Over 
there, at the foot of the hill, had been the 
entrance to the cave! I went there — I searched — 
searched for hours* — but nothing — nothing — 
really nothing! Nowhere could I find the 
entrance to the interior of the mountain ! How 
was it possible? 

This question I also put to you, my dear 
reader, “How was it possible?” 

It is of course a foregone conclusion that you, 
my dear reader, have been well raised and 
highly educated and believe what I have related. 
To my companions, these untutored Texas cow- 
boys, I will not relate any more of my exper- 
iences; assuredly not! I did do it once, and 
when I got through and I thought I had' 
aroused in these rough fellows a higher idealistic 
feeling, far beyond that of the common every 


284 Dwellers in Celestial Spheres. 

day life, and a more exalted disposition — 
imagine my surprise, when each of them, simul- 
taneously, and in a rough and boisterous ma - 
ner, propounded the depraved question: 

“Say, Bob; tell us what sort of stuff had you 
been drinking that day!” 


* 




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